Recently I chatted with a friend who’s only a few months in business and having doubts about continuing because of how she feels about valuing her work. She said, “I don’t feel worthy of charging the proper rate yet”. Thus, she’s undercharging to “gain experience” as she works toward feeling deserving. Of course, it’s led to her feeling stressed out, devalued, and demotivated. She’s undervaluing her work, and sometimes clients are too.
Charging what our work is worth in business (or ensuring that we’re not underpaid) isn’t at all dissimilar to treating and regarding ourselves as worthwhile and valuable people. It’s about our sense of self-worth.
Instead of undervaluing our skills, talents, experience, and the transformation that we can, for instance, help a client achieve, we undervalue our needs, expectations, desires, feelings, and opinions—ourselves.
We settle for crumbs, hoping that in the process of doing so, the other party will feel inclined to reward our efforts with a loaf.
Instead, though, we grow increasingly resentful, disillusioned, and hurt when they don’t.
We perceive their actions or lack of them as an indicator of our worth. This creates a vicious cycle that just might convince us that this is as good as it gets (it isn’t).
I explained to my friend that what she’s saying about charging the ‘proper rate’ for her work is like when people say stuff like, “I don’t feel I’m worthy of a loving partner and relationship because I feel like that’s for someone who is more ______ or less _______ than me.”
Really, what we’re saying in the work situations is, “What if I charge what my work is worth and then they wonder who the hell I think I am or they expect more of me [and I don’t live up to their expectations]?”
And with relationships, “What if I’m my true self and I step up for the type of partner and relationship that version of me desires and deserves, but then they don’t want to be that partner in the relationship? Or what if they reject me and think I’ve a big head? What if I stop accepting crumbs and then I’m left with no one to date?”
In the business situation, the person isn’t buying the experience; they’re buying a transformation. It’s about what we can do for them or their business.
In the relationship situation, it’s coming down to the difference between dating and creating, forging and sustaining relationships.
Take a situation where you’re dating someone, but it’s not progressing. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, you’ve achieved your aim. You are not moving on from dating, which is fine.
But let’s say you want to be in a loving, mutual, long-term relationship. If things aren’t progressing with the person you’re dating, continuing would mean accepting less than what you need and deserve.
I’ve worked with many people who, even though their relationships progressed in terms of time, they didn’t progress in other crucial ways. For example, you could have a several-years-long relationship under your belt but still be ‘dating’. The relationship hasn’t really evolved in terms of intimacy, connection, progression, balance, and consistency. The latter are the five landmarks of healthy relationships. I hear from lots of people in their 30s, 40s and beyond who have been with partners for multiple years but feel ’stuck’ because the relationship hasn’t emotionally evolved from that first year or so. In some instances, the relationship regressed.
Fearing that the population of single men/women will effectively vanish off the face of the earth the moment that you have boundaries and standards is fear of stepping out of that self-critical comfort zone talking. Really, what happened? You had some boundaries and standards, and it wiped out the single population like a plague?
We can’t simulate intimacy, commitment, etc., while also feeling unworthy. If we do, we’ll hitch our wagon to something and someone where it’s all gonna feel a bit ‘off’. We’ve come into things from a place of feeling as if we can’t be who we truly are or show up for what we want because we don’t believe that we deserve it or that we’ll get it.
What type of partner will we choose on that basis?
It’s not as if we can claim that we’re having a deeply intimate relationship when we’re driven by our sense of unworthiness. We’ll have a wall up, plus we’ll be and do things to ‘get’ love and the relationship we want. We’ll do things not because it’s who we are but because we think it’s expected of us and we’re afraid of what might happen if we don’t. Yep, people pleasing.
With my friend, she can charge a lower rate as long as the value’s clear to both her and clients. She can, for example, let them know the full rate but explain that as she’s in the process of establishing her practice that she has beta pricing and will do a full-rate job but wants honest feedback as she tweaks the offering, etc.
Undervaluing ourselves will always sour the interaction. The energy just won’t be right. Raising our self-worth by entering our relationships from a place of equality rather than it being about superiority and inferiority will filter out people who aren’t interested in a mutually fulfilling relationship, but this is no bad thing. It clears the decks for people and experiences that nourish and raise us up instead of dragging us down.
Note also: People can value themselves enough to not accept less than love, care, trust, and respect in their relationships while still having baggage to sort out. It’s called being human.
You might believe it will be ‘easier’ or that it will feel so much more valuable when you convince and convert them. Maybe you think getting your training wheels with this type of partner will build your confidence for a ‘real’ partner. However, while you’re settling for less and getting busted up in the process, they’re also settling for less than being a truly available, loving partner. They’ll learn more from you valuing yourself, even if that means you opting out, than from you not doing so. If you do the latter, you’d accept far less than what you need, desire, and deserve. You’d do it in the hopes they’ll spontaneously combust into a better partner. It’s also safe to say that if you don’t get on board with valuing yourself, you will push away what doesn’t chime with your feelings of low self-worth.
If you value yourself by not accepting less than the basics (love, care, trust, and respect) you will not go wrong.
Your thoughts?
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I cannot believe i am writing this. After five years of NC, I went right back to my own personal “groundhog day” with Mr. Unavailable. I stayed 8 years with him last time doing the loop de loop. He did all the right things for a couple of “dates” and then went right back into his controlling “You have to be what I want” mode. Why was I surprised? I guess because it happened so fast, the feelings were so comfy and nice. I felt like the future looked bright. Thank God I recognized the craziness this time, he had not changed one bit. It truly is better to be alone than with Mr. Wrong.
Reading this I realised that I undervalue myself at work and in my romantic relationships. There’s a big part of me that’s scared that if I ask for what I’m worth, that as soon as I’m paid it, they’ll think that I’m a fraud, which sounds ridiculous as I type it. This has given me much food for thought. Thank you
I got back together with my guy after he came back a year after dumping me. He came to my place after a year of not talking and starting undressing me and having sex with me like nothing happened and no time had passed and we got back together nad just resumed the relationship like an entire year hadn’t gone by. He had two relationships in between which turned very badly and then he came back to me after a year and then we got back together and it was like we didn’t speak about how painful that time was for me.
I’m not going to go into details of a lot of the stuff our relationship has been through, since this is a public forum and the details are really serious and sensitive, but let’s just say it’s very codependent. I’ve been in a lot of relationships like this, I’d been viewing this site for years because I’ve been in so many relationships which followed the same patterns and had even went to a Bagagge Reclaim event years ago for a previous relationship.
One thing I notice about all EU/AC is that they come back to you again and again after dumping you and waiting really long periods of time and then you get back together and they act like nothing happened and that you were never separated for a year or years or even decades. This happens all the time. I feel like when you’ve dumped someone, had other relationships and then get back together with the person you dumped,you should acknowledge that youve caused this person pain an give them an explanation of why you are back, how things are going to be different this time and ask them about their feelings and work to build that trust again. In my relationship he came over to my place and we started having sex like a whole year didn’t pass an we went right back to our relationship. I kept feeling like ‘Wow, we’re back together after a year’ and he would kind of act like no time had passed. Right now I’m going through some struggles and major, serious issues in this relationship and hoping it all turns out well, not going to go into details, but rereading your articles that I’ve been reading for years for each relationship I’ve been in helps a lot, because it’s good to know someone understands. I just wanted to write this message thanking you so much for all of your articles, it helps me through every relationship I’m in , I always go back to Baggage Reclaim when I feel like no one could understand the stuff going on.
dear always nostalgic,
take as much time as you need but i really hope that very soon this blog doesn’t just help you get through the awful relationships you’re in but get OUT, for good! you can have so much more than surviving relationships , you can have a relationship you actually thrive in once you drop these deadweights forever.
hugs.
Hi AlwaysNostalgic,
I hope you are open to some feedback. It is meant with love, support and encouragement.
Some thoughts while reading your first paragraph:
“He came to my place after a year of not talking and starting undressing me and having sex with me like nothing happened and no time had passed and we got back together nad just resumed the relationship like an entire year hadn’t gone by. He had two relationships in between which turned very badly and then he came back to me after a year and then we got back together and it was like we didn’t speak about how painful that time was for me.”
Was struck by the focus on him…he started undressing me and having sex with me. There were two of you there, AlwaysNostalgic. You are giving him all of the power (and responsibility), and making yourself the powerless/helpless, victim (no responsibility). Do you see what I mean? He did those things with you (you allowed it, didn’t say no, etc.). You had/have choices.
Your reasonable expectation of a conversation about what happened prior and how hurt you were by it was ignored not by just him (only if you expressed it), but you. It’s your job/responsibility to have your back, you cannot count on him (or anyone else until proven otherwise) to have it for you. Otherwise you are at their mercy and wide open to abuse and exploitation and you are allowing it. You are betraying yourself when you do not speak up and act on your own behalf.
It took me many, many, years to see this pattern in myself and I allowed myself to be used, abused, mistreated, exploited, and manipulated because I did not have my own back.
We have to be our own best friend. We have to put ourselves first. It feels selfish and wrong and scary at first but it becomes
easier and more natural with time. We aren’t meant to sacrifice ourselves for others, no matter what we were taught.
I hope you find this helpful to you in your journey.
Veracity.. very good, honest feedback.
Veracity, my thoughts exactly. I’ve been in the same situation as AlwaysNostalgic when I was young (and even more recently, sadly), playing out the victim role. But this site, the books I’ve been drawn to (and had recommended by others who read Natalie’s blogs), the courses, are all chipping away at all the brainwashing I received growing up, and I’m much more boundaried and self-respecting now. It’s a process, a journey, and I’m finding out who I am.
I hope you can find out who you are too, AlwaysNostalgic, and start taking responsibility for your own life. You’re worth it!
Hey AlwaysNostalgic,
I’m not going to give you the hard sell about how you should walk away and go NC with this guy… I think deep down inside you know what you need to do, but it’s having the courage and the resolve to actually do it which is hardest.
All I will say to you is this: stick with BR and this supportive group of individuals a bit longer. If you don’t feel like divulging – that too is fine with us. When you feel more comfortable to open up, we’ll be here without judgement or persecution.
We’ve all been where you are to some degree or other, and we’re all in various stages of learning to love ourselves properly. It’s a long road, but you will get there too! Just try to remind yourself daily that your own happiness and well-being is so much more important than any man. Once you start to believe that you have a right to be happy and to receive a love which is healthy and whole, then your current set-up will start to look a lot less appealing.
Stay with us… It will be worth it in the end.
🙂
AlwaysNostalgic, it seems that the guys aren’t the only ones who are acting like nothing happened – you must be as well, or you wouldn’t be allowing them back in like nothing happened. You can’t complain about their behaviour if you’re acting the same way. When you build up healthy boundaries, things change. I didn’t even know what boundaries were until a couple of years ago, and I’m in my 50s. I hope for your sake that you don’t wait that long. I think Natalie has a course of healthy boundaries (I think I may do it).
If you start loving yourself and treating yourself with respect, and taking good care of yourself, you’ll be stronger. I practised saying “NO” in front of the mirror, haha… And I did a lot of work over many years before I could actually say it to a guy – but I let myself get very ill before I could say it, so don’t let that be you…
It’s like any other addictive, compulsive behaviour – you just can’t go back there and have a little taste. All the best.
This post is right on time. I’ve just decided to get out there again and I’m terrified. If a man who is successful and looks like he has an interesting life shows interest I figure he’s only after sex. Why would a man like that want someone like me who just has a job and a boring life? I really have no idea what I’m worth. I know I deserve better than an unemployed drug addict. I just don’t know what kind of man is in my “league”. I feel like if I go after men that are handsome and have a good job I’m going to end up being their down low chick.
It sucks because before I started trying to date again I was really happy and liked myself.
Crabby, don’t based success on looks, professions, financial status or hobbies. That’s a pitfall to go down without a fly suit and parachute.
Forget about what’s out there and what ifs. Start with what brings you joy. What makes you buzz with excitement. If there is a look or hairstyle you always wished you would go for…go for it…..whilst you’re doing exercise of something you actually enjoy.
The rest will follow when you just follow your joy and dreams. Being authentic with you fosters self love to an amazing level. But in beginning whilst emerging from the EUM hell hole, it’s a good idea to let go of any hopes or fantasies of a guy who will validate you. Get rid of that so you focus solely on you and who you are really.
It’s simply time to date ourselves and want us.
I finally let go of asshat and since being in a relationship with myself I have….
Learned African drumming, guitar, body boarding, mountain biking, theatre/post op health care worker, applying to be a hca in reserve army and hoping to relocate 350 miles to do my nursing degree at age 40. I do so much cool shit it is unreal. This is with hypothyroidism which is quite another deep journey in itself.
I have still ran into EUMs here and there and everywhere but they get the p45 when they show their red flags. I have the knowledge and the *I effing rock* tshirt and pants from experience and from our Natalie (our modern day Nefertiti – but even better 😉 to let any of these wounded, insecure manchildren project their funk onto me.
It is a lie to tell ourselves no quality man will love us. But we do need to sort our baggage out to under 5kg, repacking the suitcases isn’t enough because quality men know their value. We have to meet them, healed and empowered.
I’ve still a way to go (it’s my aging that’s the new hurdle so I’m doing the self care lark)….but I would say to you Crabby and others…..this feeling, this love for all who I am, scars an all, it’s worth it.
It’s true freedom. It’s true f*cking empowerment and it’s what the wounded boys have been fearful of…..hence why they doled out this treatment for thousands of years.
When you realise that you can forgive….just don’t ever forget 😉
So we can grow from being princesses in imaginary towers, into strong wise Queens.
A King would be nice but not essential to our new empire 🙂 <3
Fantastic! Go get it, Soulfull!! 🙂
I love this! You rule Soulfull!
Ne’er a truer word spoken x
I’ve done all of the dating sites, free sites, paid sites, meet ups, Tinder included from what I can tell there’s only a small amount of ‘quality men’ who might be looking for relationships, they are few and far between and they have high expectations and stupid requirements. Any guys I made the first move with ignored me.
The majority are looking for sex and some are still attached too. I figured the attractive ones are attached. Ladies take a look on marital dating websites, ladies can join for free, I saw loads of guys on them that had profiles on Match.com
I can say from my dating experience, I rarely got asked out on dates by attractive successful men. My previous partner was Phd educated.
I usually get unattractive/average looks, overweight, some had decent jobs but there were things like they hadn’t had girlfriends or were socially inept.
I’m not a supermodel by any means but am considered attractive, pretty, intelligent, smart, funny, well travelled but I didn’t attract anyone in my league, I hate to use that term but a few guys I dated said I was out of their league and what was I doing with them?!
I have given up on dating sites now and just resigned myself to being single, unless by sheer miracle I meet someone out, again they seem to just want to get you into bed.
I have a lot to give and get lonely but I’m fed up of being led on(I want a relationship), stood up, lied to and let down.
It’s a shame so many people play games as there as some lovely loyal genuine ladies still out there looking for one guy, not endless one night stands or pseudo relationships.
Today, hearing about the Angela Jolie – Brad Pitt divorce, I thought “They are beautiful and wealthy and still could not make things work”.
I mean, they don’t have the day to day problems of the ordinary working man. They live in luxurious surroundings. Someone else can cook for them and clean for them and take care of their horde of children. They have no financial strains, their financial future is secure. Even if their health fails, they have the money and power to get the best of care.
So the lesson there is – it takes more than outward beauty and social success to achieve a successful relationship.
So Crabby, stop making outward appearances your measure. You can never be anyone’s “down low chick” if you don’t allow that to happen. Don’t be grateful to someone because he is good looking, has a good job, and *deigns* to be with you. You have yourself to offer. He may like your confidence in who you are – there is nothing more appealing than confidence. You may have great qualities he has not observed in others of his “league”.
Back in my twenties, when I was more beautiful, a guy I was casually seeing called me up out of the blue and demanded I come pick him up in my car because he was stranded at a train station. Yes, he was a physically attractive man. I said NO. He said “Do you know how many women would be willing to come pick me up?!” I told him “Well, then, you’d better call one of them”. That was the beginning of the end between me and him – I don’t even remember his name right now.
Always keep to your standards of what you want in a partner, don’t decide to accept the unemployed junkie because you want to appear non-judgemental. But good-looking and a good job does not mean relationship-worthy. Good-looking is a “must have” quality when you are in the needing validation camp – “see who wants me, I must be somethin!” A person has no input on being born good-looking, and a good-looking person might be starving for something more substantial than being wanted for his good looks.
SoulFull, I loved your post and where you are in this evolution of loving our self.
Thanks for the replies Elgie and Soulful,
My mom and our friend were actually telling me something similar the other night. They say a guy might just want a woman who can make him laugh who’s supportive.
I don’t need a model or millionaire. I really just want a man who shares my values, is able to take care of himself and that I find attractive. I just started using a dating app and a few men who were attractive with advance degrees, exciting looking hobbies and successful careers “liked” me. It made me wonder what they liked other than my looks. I didn’t want to set myself up to be treated badly.
I think I’m just thinking back to once years ago when a guy when down a list of why I wasn’t good enough for him to date. I didn’t have a degree. I didn’t have a career. I didn’t have enough friends. I didn’t have my own place. That felt so bad that I’m scared of setting myself up for it again.
It feels like all dating is now is interviewing and selling yourself like a product. If you don’t have exciting photo worthy hobbies, a fabulous career and tons of friends you’re not getting the job.
‘It feels like all dating is now is interviewing and selling yourself like a product. If you don’t have exciting photo worthy hobbies, a fabulous career and tons of friends you’re not getting the job.’
I know what you mean to an extent and I’ve noticed that but tbh that’s the deal with most dating apps – they’re shallow and superficial. They attract that very extroverted type who is outwards-directed and it’s a big part of the reason why I don’t use them. Maybe you’re also attracted to that kind of ‘flashy’ guy? There are other more down to earth men who won’t be like that but they’re probably not on things like Tinder.
Yeah. I actually hate online dating and apps. It’s hard to choose someone from a picture and a few paragraphs. I have empty profiles on some sites because it’s hard to basically write a resume about yourself. I’m definitely not that super extroverted type maybe that’s why I feel like everyone on there seem so much more exciting. I’m not into flashy guys and would love to meet a guy who’s more down to earth. I’m in my late 30s so I don’t think I have many other options. I’m going to join some groups on meetup.com and see if I can make some friends and meet people.
I think joining groups is a great idea, Crabby. Finding people who share your interests is a much more natural way to form a friendship/relationship. You’re right about those dating sites – you don’t know what the hell you’re getting. Just because they can do the hard sell doesn’t make them a tender, loving person – in fact, those sites often seem to attract quite the opposite.
Remember to be yourself – that’s something I found difficult, because my sister used to tell me how boring I was, so I tried too hard in groups and couldn’t relax. You don’t need to impress anyone, or date the first guy who speaks to you… Have fun!
Good-looking is a “must have” quality when you are in the needing validation camp – “see who wants me, I must be somethin!” – this is SO me! I have always placed too much of a premium on looks because I secretly think that being with an attractive partner will impress people. It’s such a bad trait. Three days ago I ran into an ex who destroyed my self-confidence and devastated me for months. He has just moved to my town and I will unfortunately see him regularly as we ride the same train now and it’s a small town. I’m ashamed to say that my first thought was, “wow, he looks great and I look so much worse than when he last saw me.” I really wish that I could get over this tendency :(.
Elgie R., you hit the nail on the head when you said, “Don’t decide to accept the unemployed junkie because you want to appear non-judgemental.” That was me to a T!!!!! And I saw it in myself and stopped.
Elgie R,
Two things from your post speaks to me from a couple of my dating experience. Like Crabby, I had a moment of “wow, this guy has phd, highly paid job as a scientist in a high profile climate science org, intresting life if rich suburbs…” and as you put it “deigns” to be with me? It was 6 months of me being very tense in his company, overthinking everything i say, embarassed to show him where i live, feeling insecure about my low paying job compared to his, and everything he said, went. He put in big gears when pursuing me, nice dinners and convo, and because i liked him i made him wait for 3 months. Finally we slept together, when we went for 3 days away near this nice island, all at his cost even though i offered contributing. By then we’d gone for a day out with our sons who are similar age and got along (his suggestion) and i imagined future. The last time i saw him was when i invited him to my place (after dodging it for a while). Stayed the night, we spent next day at local market then he went. Next time i sent a text to ask when we are meeting his answer “..would like to, but have no idea when..” To top that, he lost his job in massive job cuts. I went out of my way to reach out, encourage, support him and part of me was wanting him to know that i like him regardless. He appreciated all along, giving me updates of how he is going, turning down meet up suggestions but saying “you are a verY good and kind lass..” After over a month of one sided effort (he never started contact this time), i stopped starting communication. It went for 3 weeks. I sent a text saying whilst i get he might be stressed with job situ, ppl take along whoever they choose in their journey and although i know not every dating has to turn into a relationship, given the time and what have gone down between us, it isn’t unreasonable to expect the decence to end things maturely instead of just ghosting me as if i won’t notice.He texted back apologising on how he was not fair, he is in dark mood and not in a position to do relationship, offering to call and talk about it, to which i said “no need” and wished him all the best.The end. But i still blame myself that it’s because i was out of his league and acted like so, and seeing where i live made him think i am beneath him.
My version of dating “unemployed junkie to appear non judgemental,” was what ended over 6 weeks now. We work in same industry, him in managerial big paying job, and was none judgemental re:my situation. He treated me with love, respect and consideration and was consistent for 3 months. However in those 3 months something was off on intimacy front. I was ready, i’d spend night at his we’d do everthing and he’d pamper me with sensual massages that lasted forever and he waa good with hands and mouth, but we would not do sex. He’d moan and groan (i could tell they were fake) but no action.His explanation-he loves satisfying me because wow my body is so beautiful so i shouldn’t worry about him.In one of those sensual sessions i managed to strip him (i feel bad to say because he was born that way, but let’s just say, it was like none-existent). I later gooogled if it’s dissability so i diagonised him wit Erectile dysfunction and micropenis. You could see his whole manhood and inflated ego collapse as i don’t think i hid my shock well. It never erected, somehow he’d come, and when this happened i’d catch him looking at my ass with with unusually angry looking and aggressive face. I felt bad leaving him due to that. I reasoned because he ticked the rest of the boxes, i should be there for him nonjudgementally, and we can work together to find alternatives (sexual therapist, be creative etc, then we’ll live happily ever after with him appreciating a wonderfull woman he has. Wrong. We had deeeep conversation. His in denial with “it never happened before”. Also, “i have no trouble with erection when i’m on my own” (I almost did a Bieber “then baby you can go and fuck yourself”). After me playing arm chair psychologist to show i care and will be there, he admitted it was chronic problem since ever. He’s 42. Agreed to seek medical assistance. He has other health issues unrelated to ED and MP.I didn’t want to be judgemental because beside that he was lovely and wanted to be with me. I never felt insecure around him. He kept on saying he doesn’t know what i see in him, as he has all these issues and not even physically attractive (true, a bit overweight) etc. I told him his qualities and why i’m with him. He kept on raising it, i stpped telling him about himself. Finally, on 5 month an akward erection came, i saw him popping pills but could tell he did not want me to see, oh well. Sex was akward with him him worrying it will fail,it did a few times, and ended. Then two more times over night and could tell by how he acted wanted to prove something. I felt nothing. He followed me in the kitchen later and took time to say “see, i have shown you proof that i can actually have erection. So i have no issues with erection.” I said “ok, you did not take pills?” He said, No. I rolled eyes, continued to cook changing subject, him going on about how he has no issues, he just need to remind himself that.I ignored him. He left later. Mid week he made contact to arrange a trip away on weekend. I agreed, invited him to my bday party and made more plans. 2 days before birthday, and week before trip away, and a day after confessing how strongly he feels about me, he Calls to end the relationship. I ask why, he says i don’t, it suprises me that your very beautiful, intelligent, independent but i don’t feel lustful desire towards you. I calmy said “oh, am i to blame now for your ED issues?” He didn’t like that. No it not your fault, i said yes i have no doubt is not my fault that you have those issues don’t worry. I asked why before my b’day and 2 days after making grand plans? He said, he didn’t think because of how he feels that he should be feeling lustful desire towards me but he isn’t, there is no future, so he thinks we should be “friends,” as he really likes me. I said, i didn’t go online to look for friends, andi can’t talk, so i hang up. I waz hurt and angry. I later sent him message on how manipulatin of him to try and chang a narrative to make it about me,and the irony is i reasoned his ED and MP issues, should not be a reson for me to end relationship as he waa a good petson and we shared values, but i was wrong and thanked him for the lessons. He came back saying that was mean. I apologised. I went no contact. He texted happy birthday after my b’day i responded. Been quiet since then. I feel nothing now, also wonder what the hell was all that about. I don’t miss him. I’m trying to figure what lessons are in both of them still. Sorry for the rumble. At mt bday party i met a new man. He is a subject of a whole new post. Wow, i hope i am not out of line already.
Another strong parallel between work/relationship self-value is when I started my biz my strategy was charge less and over deliver figuring once they experienced how good I was they want to establish an more long term work relationship. What I discover they’d hire me for a project, want me to do a little extra stuff that wasn’t in the work agreement. Since It was a “little thing” it was still inconvenient and take more time. I’d think, “well I don’t want them to think I’m uncooperative, or that I’m raising a big fuss over such a little thing ” so I’d just do it for them thinking they appreciate it. NOT what usually happens! They often keep asking for things, or if something doesn’t happen the way they wanted I end up looking and feeling like I didn’t deliver so I’m not worth more. In the end After I give them a great deal, I don’t hear from them, or they run me into the ground and don’t even say thank you! I walk away feeling totally unappreciated. Sound familiar relationship wise? For me, yes!
“People can value themselves enough to not accept less than love, care, trust and respect in their relationships while still having baggage to sort out. It’s called being human.”
How timely this is. I have posted on here before, and won’t go into details, but suffice to say..I was an extreme undervalue-er. Of myself. I accepted shoddy behavior from my ex husband, and my ex fiancee, who was just a bandage to my bruised and insecure ego. While I can say I did love both these men, I loved MYSELF less, I accepted less. I became less.
I’ve been working hard on me. I’ve been 100% NC for over 7 months. I tried a dating site, but literally got freaked out because I still have baggage. I’m not ready. But I SEE it this time. I know I need to keep valuing me first. I’m almost there, but until I’m 100% there..dating is a no. No more jumping back onto the merry-go-round, or dating different versions of my parents, or rinsing and repeating. Enough.
Ironically, the ex fiancee reached out to my niece on messenger last week (I have him blocked on every app or site invented). He asked her how I was, and said he hopes I’m happy. When she first told me, I was shocked! Once again..NML is right..they try to crawl in for an ego stroke, a shag, or just to know they can! I wanted to have her write him back sarcastic replies, or tell him to eff off. My hands were shaking a bit. But oddly, after only 30 minutes (when in the past I’d agonized for days about a TEXT), I told her: “just delete the message please, don’t reply and block him”. No answer IS the message! I felt calm. I felt no desire to contact him. I finally, finally am starting to put myself first. To know that accepting less is inviting pain.
I am really so, so proud of myself. A year ago, I would have jumped at that tiny message and interpreted it as a “sign”, or called him, or sobbed, begged, managed down, blah, blah. Enough.
Now – eh. I see it for what it is, an easy way to reach out without much effort, and not really a sign as much as just a simple text from a man who’s not worth the effort to get worked up about.
I feel empowered. I feel better than I have in years. I have a ways to go, but I’m human, as NML says, and that’s ok.
I urge all the BR readers to strive for love, respect, and self-esteem. For themselves. Just start with yourself….value YOU.
Congrats on your NC, Kat. I know how hard it is to make that break and for once to put yourself first. I just celebrated a year of NC after a 12-year relationship, even after several attempts on his part to reconnect. It took so much courage to say goodbye and I still have a long way to go. I think about him and miss him every day but i refuse to go back to someone who treated me less than and who just wanted me there at his convenience. I’m 61 and the dating scene seems very bleak. It’s scary thinking I won’t find someone special to share my life with but I need to use this time learning to be okay with being on my own and treating myself like I matter.
Cath. …a year of NC! That is great! I know the dating scene looks bleak.I am 55 and no one is knocking my door down. But my aunt who is 65, just fell madly in love with an awesome man about three months after she told me “I’ll never find love again.”. She says she feels 25 again.
There’s always hope, but there is always YOU. Without or without a special someone – know YOU are special enough. It’d be neat to be with someone, but if it happens..it happens – I’m just not going to worry about it.
I have been in a relationship since I was 16 in some form or another. I think I like taking every day and just making ME happy. What I want to eat, do, go, say or want, and not worrying about anyone else is quite frankly a relief right now.
Take care of you and congrats on a year of NC-that is wonderful!
Right on Kat! Similar experiences here..I used to place importance on ridiculous one word texts (examples – hi, hey) as important, thoughtful effort. I changed my ways over a year ago after decades of the same guy, different package. It’s clear to me now how off course my life had been.
I’ve never felt better since choosing me.
Kat. Bravo!
Excellent post. I, too, used to do things that signaled i was undervaluing myself in the dating and business world. Once I got my act together and decided to put healthy boundaries in place… And i decided i simply wouldn’t settle for less than what i was looking for in the dating world (consistently healthy relationship with a man who had his own healthy boundaries and was looking for the same), i filtered out people who did not belong in my life and i got married (: Oh, there were incompatible people (folks who did not want the same outcome of a progressive relationship that would lead to marriage) who got weeded out who kicked and screamed, but so what? It is empowering to not sell yourself short and get what you want. I am still learning and applying this stuff to business, and i really see the difference.If you go into a job interview and you have no idea what your value is and you just take the first offer thrown your way without negotiating…chances are when you eventually find out you could be making more than the offer you accepted, you will be upset. If you stay at a job and allow people to undervalue you by heaping other people’s work on you and not giving you a raise… You can choose to negotiate an increase, put up boundaries, leave…. But if you do nothing, you undervalue yourself.
I have been reading this blog for over a year and it has been so helpful. I was a confident, independent woman who let myself get involved in an unfortunate situation by undervaluing myself. Outwardly I have it all: very successful professionally, income of £385K plus a year, pretty, smart, have lovely things, beautiful home, and am loved and admired by many people for not only my abilities but for who I am as a person. I’m still single in my early forties have no children — and quite inexperienced with men — but had a good and happy life and was content most days. My business partner was a close friend together with his wife and family. He and his wife decided to divorce 18 months ago, much to my dismay and sadness, and he leaned on me quite heavily both personally and professionally, especially in the early days and I lost contact with his wife. In 15 years, there was no suggestion he felt anything more than friendship for me — and same for me — but he was always there for me when I needed him. About six months after the divorce filing, we began spending alot of time together outside work and became very close but still very much platonic. We were out one night, several months later, and he kissed me and wanted to spend the night with me — he didn’t want anything serious but was attracted me. I was reluctant and we discussed putting things on hold until such a time that the decree was finalized and that there was nothing casual about any of this to me. The cat was out of the proverbial bag and over the ensuing weeks, I fell for his advances and started developing feelings — we had been close friends for years and knew each other extremely well — good and bad qualities (he was no saint but I knew and accepted all his foibles) — and it progressed quickly to a full on relationship for six months — but with the hallmarks and not the landmarks. Of course, it was all the usual stuff — divorce suddenly not progressing quickly, our relationship being a complete secret from everyone we knew personally and professionally, him blowing hot and cold, lacking empathy, me being his counsellor and fallback girl, future faking, disappearing, and inevitably he just faded out after about six months with zero explanation — leaving me very hurt. Five months later, I’m still struggling to get over this while putting on a normal and happy face at work every single day — no contact is not an option given how closely we work together in our business. He’s not involved with anyone else and is not reconciling with his wife, but he just simply was not ready and likely never will be, at least with me. And of course, there are still moments of closeness, but fleeting and all on his terms, which make it all the more painful. The hardest part is being treated with indifference and like an acquaintance after all these years and I miss our personal time together and our conversations and our friendship — even though my non-emotional part knows that this friendship was one-sided at best.
How did I let this happen? Well, it comes down to valuing myself. When this all started, I was the strong and capable and sensible one for him to lean on and support and now, for the first time in my life, I’m a bit of a mess. This episode has forced me to look deeper into myself and my life and explore some painful things from childhood — a controlling mother and a narcissistic father — and assert boundaries there that I’ve never been able to do before. But, even that feels like a loss, even though it’s necessary. I never felt like I could be myself and express my thoughts and desires around my family because they would disapprove even though I was wildly successful and talented. And so, I never valued myself and I never figured out what I really like and want and who I am because I was always trying to please others and good was never good enough. And so, when I finally had someone who seemed to allow me to be myself and vulnerable, I fell for him even though, in retrospect, it was all wrong and he didn’t actually care about me as I deserved to be cared about — I accepted crumbs. Even though this is all bloody painful and I’ve never felt so lost and empty, and will be this way for a while, the silver lining is that this episode has allowed me to start to become a more authentic version of myself — to understand how I could let this happen — and to hopefully be able to move on some day, figure out what I actually like and want, stop pleasing everyone else, and value myself enough to find someone who will appreciate and value me too and to hit flush on those that don’t!
Hi, I changed the e-mail address I used, it’s me again. This guy has gone to jail and I’ve done so much to protect him and make so many sacrifices for him. I can’t give all the details but he finally told me after all this time that things between us were casual. A year ago he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted then when he came back and has been having sex with me I assumed we were back in a relationship but he assumed I knew things were casual now. I’ve done so much for him form helping him, I can’t give the details because it’s too sensitive but I realized he probably went back to this casual relationship with me after getting out of jail because after the crimes he committed he was worried I’m the only one who’d take him back after all he’d put me through the first time.
We’d been back together a long time and he finally says how things are casual and he wants to keep seeing me and acting like I had no right to my feelings. He has a lot of severe issues which I can’t post, he’s been to mental hospitals, jails and I’ve been with him through it all and he always leans on me for sex and to feel better about his problems because no one is there for him. I feel so used I’m always covering for him and he wants to keep seeing me and having sex with me with no commitment. I’m always in these types of relationships. Ironically, I called up the AC who brought me to this site years ago and he even was shocked at some of the things I’d do for him. It’s ironic, now that I’ with this guy, my old AC who brought me to this site is always helping me through these situations. Now I’ve decided to continue seeing him and see other guys as well since he made it clear there isn’t a commitment. I feel used but I’m still with him It’ frustrating however, when he got back with me after a year, he was thinking he told me a year ago he couldn’t give me what I wanted so I knew its casual sex for me I thought he came back after a year into my life, know how much I love him and is excitedly pursuing me, he must have changed. It’s a very codependent relationship.
But yes I agree I allow myself to be treated this way by him, I’m not a ‘victim’ because I allow this behavior.
AlwaysNostalgic,
I’ll borrow a phrase by one of BR members from old posts and say, that guy is “a massive walking red flag.”
Though I have put up with a lot of shit in the past, If it were me in your situation, I would not worry about why the guy does not want to be with me. I’d worry how far away I can get from him.
I think what you need to focus on is working on you and find out why you feel the need to be with/loved by someone who has “been to jails, mental hospitals,” and just sounds like very bad news. Then focus on doing the needed work to heal.
I can highly relate to the feeling of wanting the returns due to having invested your love, time, energy, loyalty and emotions. Plus you have been there for him when he was in jails, mental hospitals, and by the sound of things, he thinks you are the only one he can count on when he is in shitty situations. He is using you. He will continue to do so until you are completely depleted, then he will move to the next one, and it sounds like he has.
Do not be hard on yourself by saying you allowed his behaviour. He is who he is and you did not make him treat you as he has. I and other ladies here have been in similar situations, just different story lines.
You sound very kind, caring, considerate and loving. Please give that to yourself. Start by no contact with that clown. The fact that you are talking about it here is a good step. I clearly shows that you have gained insight into your situation, and you are realising it is not ok. Stick around here for some love and support, read and re-read Natalies posts, old and new, and comments from members. It helps a lot. You deserve better.
All the best in your journey to selflove.xx