A reader commented that [they] “think it is too damaging to label oneself as being attached to unavailable men. The problem is declining values. We all need to find a way to be honest with our would-be partners; we need to be able to say what our needs are, and we need to stand up for what we believe is right for ourselves. Blaming ourselves for continually finding bad partners is seductive, but the real issue is not that you find unavailable men, but that when you do, you don’t let them go.
To blame ourselves when all we did was open our heart when someone insists on being dishonest about who they are seems like blaming the victim to me. Obviously, it is a learning curve. It takes some of us longer than others to realize that we have a dog on our hands, be it male or female. If you stay with someone who treats you badly, that is when you need to take a look at yourself.”
Of course, there is some validity to her statement, as no woman can take the blame for his inability to access his emotions. However, there is such a thing as accountability and recognising one’s own contribution to the relationship.
What this comment brings to the forefront is:
1) We all have our own way of looking at our reality. There’s how we see things, how others see the same thing, and the reality.
2) Women don’t read about emotional unavailability because they’re wildly attracted to a random guy they just stumbled across and they want to find out more. Most of these women habitually engage with Mr Unavailables. It is a way of life.
3) Is there a difference between not letting go and being ‘attached’? Or is it just that one sounds better?
4) Are you actually opening your heart? Or is it more a case of that, by being with emotionally unavailable men, you don’t actually have to open your heart?
5) ‘Badly’ is a subjective word. One woman’s idea of it is another’s idea of fireworks, drama, and the yo-yo tug of her heart.
Being with an emotionally unavailable man is pretty soul destroying. Even, and I say even, if you started out totally emotionally available and had a healthy attitude to commitment, if you stick around a Mr Unavailable for more than a hot minute, it will mess with your head and you will struggle to be emotionally available yourself! It comes with the territory.
But Mr Unavailables always blow hot and cold and pull much of the same stunts in the first few months of going out with them. If you don’t tell him to take a run and jump [in that time], you are likely to have normalised his poor relationship behaviour without realising it. Often when women unwittingly find themselves in a relationship with Mr Unavailable, they rationalise it by saying that they mustn’t want a relationship. They say they clearly mustn’t want emotional involvement because they’re with him. Next thing they know, fighting for this man’s attention and trying to get him to be more than he’s capable of being becomes their vocation.
I’m never going to say blame yourself for any man’s behaviour. If you want your relationships to be different and you want to feel better about yourself as a result, you have to recognise that you can’t coast through life unconscious in your relationships and expect everything around you to change.
You need to wake up, be conscious, be accountable, and be willing to make whatever changes necessary to wipe this relationship pattern from your life. You can’t fix or heal him, but you can do this for yourself. And when you do, these men don’t stand a chance because you won’t be interested in them anymore and they won’t be drawn to you. ‘Blame’ is an easy word to trot out, but the ultimate goal is a happier you, with or without someone.
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I like the comment in this article. You ask in your point #3, “Is there any difference between not letting them go and being “attachedâ€? ..”
Yes, I think there is a difference, at least at first.
When you start a relationship you have to invest yourself to build togetherness, to build trust and respect. Or your partner will never get to know you, and let you get to know them. You don’t just jump in the sack and decide, “This feels good, this *must* be the one.” (I hope!) You get to know whether the potential mate is honest, is truthful, courteous. You watch and wait to see they are good with kids and animals, kind and disciplined and gentle. You look for signs of connection to healthy friends and family.
Hint: It is unlikely you will be the first person he forms an attachment with. Like foster kids, if he has attachments in his life at the time – parents, siblings, friends – he will be more likely to form deep bonds with a mate. But withdrawal from bonds to others may be permanent, or at least pathologic – and won’t be healed during a date or five.
During the period of getting to know each other, the relationship should progress from courtesy and hospitality to developing friendship. At any point you start encountering problems – other than the obvious problems of discomfort at the changes in your life as you adapt to forming a mating role for yourself – you have to be ready to ‘let go’.
After formal commitments, or if you *won’t* consider moving on – you are attached.
Interesting Brad,
So basically, what I gather here from your comment is that:
1) any issues with intimacy on their part towards family etc means we should run (hey could be issues there we don’t know about yet, abuse etc, but let’s not give him a chance to explain, just run)
2) any hint or encountering problems we should also run, but do you not contradict yourself by stating in the sentence prior that we should be friends first? I don’t know about you, but I don’t run from problems, especially with a friend, or anyone I care about
I am in no way condoning any kind of emotional BS, however, it is hard to distinguish sometimes in the first fluttery days of a relationship what is drama and what isn’t. Also, if they are good, decent, kind, sweet and affectionate shouldn’t we give it a go? And if they have problems (cause don’t we all?) shouldn’t we stick around to be a friend???
There is a healthy way to do both, and sometimes it is worth the investment to stand by and with someone who is going through a rough patch, or might not be perfect. As long as it is healthy and ok for all involved, be a friend and stop expecting such perfection, you are leading women to believe in Prince Charming…and I hate to tell you this, but he doesn’t exist.
I want my man to stick by me in the rough times and not be so quick to judge. Or run. Cause I have my moments, that’s for sure….
Isn’t that what it is all about?
IMHO
Cheekie
Cheekie,
I mentioned one specific emotional cue – bonding to others. Forming strong, lasting bonds is a make-or-break emotional .. capability, I guess I would call it. Those that don’t have close friends, don’t connect to their parents, siblings, etc., and are mostly loners, emotionally, at work are not likely to form a healthy bond with an intimate partner. There are any number of reasons or explanations why they might detach or never form close bonds with family or co-workers. But if they don’t have any bonds to others, or the few bonds they have are co-dependent or abusive or otherwise unhealthy. If you encounter something like this, make sure your friendship bond is strong before proceeding, and be ready to accept never getting past friends or acquaintances. Being friendly, courteous, sweet – these have nothing to do with whether they are capable of becoming part of a loving relationship.
I think where we differ is the initial period. I recommend a distinct shift in the relationship between and initial ‘get to know each other’ and a subsequent intimate relationship. I called this transition ‘formal commitment’ – before the formal part you establish that your prospective partner’s character is golden, that you respect and honor each other, your values – and that you have more fun being with them than being alone. Introduce him to your friends, you need to meet his friends. You need to see that his character is strong, responsible, and stable – and that your friends can respect him (even if they dislike him). Look for the respect, the honesty, the warm appreciation in the eyes, the courtesy and hospitality. The discipline. After the commitment is when the sex starts.
And I don’t mean you should run at the first hint of a problem. What I think you should do, is any *significant* problem you run into, such as lack of bonds in his life – stop expecting the relationship to progress. You can always change your mind about progressing, about getting more involved, if the problem is resolved.
Hello Brad,
Yes, I do agree with what you are saying, to a certain extent.
Of course getting to know someone, their ‘world’ and having them know yours is essential before getting emotionally involved, whether by sex or mentally. As that can differ from person to person as well. It shows their character, and also how much effort they are willing to make in the getting to know you phase.
What I do disagree with is a ‘checklist’ of sorts. I do think how they treat you, the being kind, affectionate, courteous, respectful is key. Not how many friends they have or whether or not they are close to their parents.
I know many many guys, all very ‘quality’ who are distant with their parents for whatever reason or another. They may also only have one or two very close friends. Some people by nature are like that. Men especially have a tendancy to ‘bottle things up’, so this can be a very difficult gauge.
I just don’t want our expectations to be so high, no man could possibly ever reach them. Nor do I want them so low that we sell ourselves short on our needs. These things are so different for everyone, as stated in the article:
“5) “Badly†is a subjective word. One womans idea of badly is another womans idea of fireworks, drama, and the yo-yo tug of her heart.”
I see a lot of lonely people, as I am sure you do as well. I think we need more patience and acceptance in this world, not less.
Love and a real relationship are about acceptance, love, friendship and of course the chemistry. Acceptance means that no one is perfect, but you love each other for who you are and you work through your problems.
Too many people treat others as disposable, and relationships as disposable.
Nothing is easy, but if you want to be with someone, you should want to make it work.
The most important bond they can form is with you.
Cheekie,
The thing about other bonds and attachments isn’t a checklist, exactly. The problem is that making a relationship work takes skill. People skill. Years of experience in learning what to tolerate in those you love and respect, and when to defend yourself. How to tell the inconsequential and minor differences from the serious problems. And much of this is an emotional journey.
So picking a guy with long-term friends and life-long ties to their family means you get a guy that is already half-practiced at sharing quarters and dreams.
On the other hand are the damaged ones. Whether from trauma, from bad adjustment to life’s turmoil, abuse, or other mental illness, the damaged ones have lost the ability to form a serious, healthy emotional attachment. And wishing won’t fix this amputated facility. One the one hand you have only so many nurses in the whole population of the US – not everyone is oriented to be a care provider. On the other hand, no professional care provider will ‘treat’ a family member, for good ethical and moral reasons. Picking a ‘fixer upper’ may seem like a generous thing to do. But the person will have to *change* to become healthy – and no one can predict just *how* the changes will affect the person’s character, values, perspective, or dreams. That is why people working with homeless, mentally ill, and other emotional therapy providers focus on healing, not establishing a love relationship and nurture that along with the healing. It doesn’t work that way.
Caring for those that need care is wonderful. But please don’t confuse finding a healthy mate relationship with looking for someone you expect to be grateful. That cannot be healthy, if you deliberately pick someone that isn’t well adjusted. Don’t ask me how I know.
Being kind, affectionate, courteous, respectful – unfortunately this is not always the key. Take this guy. Warm, popular, funny, everybody adores him. Always supportive, kind, understanding. He is a first class narcissist – with a twist. He never gets upset, never shows the other side of the coin. He simply detaches himself from you emotionally, and eventually physically, but still appears to treat you like gold. I forgave him for incredibly hurtful things he did to me. It took me years to see through him. An egotist, a coward, a manipulator, a cheater, capable of appearing as a benefactor. Still there is no point confronting him, he would apologize and in the short term behave like your best friend, only to revert back after a short while.
You might think I am a fool, but if so I am certainly not the only one, man or woman. Yes, this is an emotional journey where you never cease to learn.
One thing about Brad’s reply struck me as true: “forming strong, lasting bonds”. This is not about how popular a guy is. If I dig down into his past, this guy has a history of running away from relationships, or simply letting the girlfriends become so exhausted they are the ones who dump him. Then he keeps them as “friends” (I am one of them). He hasn’t got any real friends, at least not ones he cares about. It’s all “networking”. It is all image. Maybe some of them care for him, but they are not reciprocated. Unfortunately when you’re under the spell it is virtually impossible to see clearly as the facade is so powerful.
I agree with Cheekie that making a “checklist” may not be the best way to do this. I’ve always had checklists, and the major, wonderful men in my real life never fit into my checklist! Okay, so a checklist is good to start with, and then, as Cheekie, says, we need to keep an open mind.
And I do know of what I speak, lol!
I have been privy to many many different kinds of men in my 30 some odd years. The ones that look good on paper are rarely the ones that work out. Unless that is all you want and you don’t mind that.
Maybe I do go for the more dramatic, emotional relationship. That’s who I am.
That doesn’t mean I am trying to change or ‘fix’ someone, as Brad states.
If you read my comment carefully, I said we should ACCEPT other issues, differences etc. It is more a matter of finding someone with matching baggage.
You cannot ever expect a clean slate, emotionally speaking, of anyone over the age of 25. It just isn’t realistic.
Our grandparents didn’t, nor any before them.
We only came to expect perfection when we were told that anything less was wrong. It isn’t wrong, it is human.
Never ever allow yourself to get involved with someone who is so emotionally troubled that it negatively affects you. I have been there, and it is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself.
However, do not expect a man (or woman) to not have at least one issue, or some carry-on sized baggage. You will end up constantly disappointed that you can’t find the ‘perfect man/woman’…
Everyone’s level of acceptance is different.
What I am suggesting is that you and ONLY you can make this realistic, compassionate request of YOURSELF. No one else’s ideal, no one else’s ‘checklist’.
We all have our issues, and frankly, I wouldn’t want some guy passing me over because I have a tendancy to worry (which of course denotes anxiety).
Does that mean I am a bad choice? No, it means I am human.
🙂
I guess maybe I am talking about a character checklist. But that is just a ‘first cut’, a standard of behavior. There should be people that make that cut – neighbors, friends of relatives, people you encounter at work, shopping, during company outings, and at worship. Maybe a couple of other places, although I think if alcohol, fashion, or politics are involved, your risk factor triples and your chance of picking a ‘good’ mate prospect get really slim.
But once you find one or more that meet the character challenge, you still have to get to know the person, their interests, their skills. Their chemistry. Whether you can tolerate their ‘laundry *does* go in the corner of the bedroom!’ foibles. But if you can red-flag the deceivers, the abusers, those that can’t be trusted, you should have just run-of-the-mill type stuff. It might work out, it might not. You still have to find out if adapting to this barbarian .. er, prince/princess .. is worth the joy they bring to your life.
Not everyone has strong ties to their family. Sometimes that is a healthy thing – not all families are healthy. So that cannot be a check list item – but it should throw up a caution flag. Other bonds, to friends and others, would be even more important. At the very least, if their family wasn’t healthy, they have little healthy experience to draw on, for forming their own family. This kind of baggage can be dealt with, usually, if you recognize it in time and deal with it appropriately.
Lies and deceptions? Where can you go with a relationship, if it starts with monumental disrespect?
Starting with basic character traits before anything else might indeed be a checklist. But it is only a starting point, and no where near complete for deciding to date or commit to a person. That has to depend on who you are, and who the other person is, and how you get on with each other.
Enjoy!
True enough.
Although I do try to stay away from alcoholic fashion designers that sit on city council.
😉
If lies and deception come into play, that is not your fault and I would hope that no woman would ever blame herself for being deceived. If the flags were there, then take it as a lesson learned to follow your gut. But some guys (and girls) are very very skillful at fooling people. Although these types are definitely not the norm…
I have never dated anyone that I didn’t have some personal reference for (save a few misguided attempts at the online dating thing – again, great on paper, but in real life? they just wanted to ‘hook up’).
Friends, common ‘hang outs’, school, work colleagues…all great places to start. At least you have the comfort of a ‘reference’.
Not that it always works, but hey, gotta start somewhere…
I agree that if someone is a complete loner, and if you ask around and no one really knows anything about them, then yes, that is a major flag.
We all wish that everyone could have healthy relationships with everyone in their lives, including family, but as you mention Brad, sometimes the healthiest thing for many of us is to not have a relationship with them.
That denotes maturity to me, and knowing what is healthy for you.
It is never easy, never cut and dried, never what we ‘always dreamed of’.
But it can be just as satisfying, mature, fun and healthy as we want it to be, whether or not both involved are shining examples of ‘normal’
🙂
Hi Brad,
Thanks for all that you’ve articulated. I truly believe that character value is key here. I am go through my last phases of this emotionally void relationship & do believe I am a product of missing love from dad .
I’ve never really meet anyone close in my partners life. Not the really supposed close ones… I’ve even met his whole family but the ties I feel are all superficial. My own relationship plusses with him are all on the surface. We have great fun together with much activities in the agenda. We are learning to communicate better. What falls short is the matters of the heart, the tender moments, the expression loving affection that have not grown after 15 months. Sex had become mechanical after one point of closeness. End of story. I believe I am a very happy person but would enjoy hearing words of endearment… I love you, I miss you, you matter in my life, you are beautiful. I don’t believe these are unreasonable to ask for and when those words are not to be found, I really realized that he just was too selfish feeding his own ego & me along with him. If he doesn’t feel it after all this time, it’s not going to happen anymore.
Thanks!
Cheekie, about “Although I do try to stay away from alcoholic fashion designers that sit on city council.” I realize you meant this in jest. Really.
What I had in mind was picking the hottest babe or hunk in the bar. The most excited person at a protest, political rally, or other primarily activist or political event – as Foster points out in ‘Secret of My Success’ you confuse the energy level with attraction. Politics and fashion are both about coercion – making you think or feel or believe something the organizer wants you to experience. The effect is very much like deceit, and is only occasionally about your best interests. Which makes fashion and politics almost as bad an occasion to look for a person with good character as the “last call” crowd at the neighborhood strip joint. Don’t ask.
If birds of a feather flock together, be most alert for a prospect of good character at events and locations where people of good character might hang out – grocery store was a cliche a few years back, for good reason. Or church – let trusted friends and elders know you are interested in finding someone, join the choir, classes, teach Sunday School. At work – looking for a mate is different than looking for a hot date, be aware of office politics and gossip, respect is the key here, respect for self and others. Various volunteer and community involvement projects.
This may sound more boring, but doesn’t expose you to as many flakes or drug-influenced or shady characters. Besides, you want to spend the rest of your life with a great person – that is used to seeing you in solid, family-oriented type settings. You want the significant person in your life to think of home when they think of you, not that bar in Tiajuana .. where there are more hotties if they get bored.
My unavailable boyfriend came HIGHLY recommended although the first clue should have been that not many had ever met a girlfriend of his! He traveled alot as a Capt. so we all chalked it up as that. He is friendly, outgoing, everyone loves him. But once the chase was over he started to detach and act out of charachter. He came on very strong in the beginning and was my fairytale, my happy ending. Duped again. But oh thank you for the strength these comments give me. If I thought he could communicate and work through these issues I’d certainly give it a go…but it’s me putting 75% and him barely at 25% at this point. “I don’t know what to say” is a common phrase these days, alternated by ” of course I care”
ugh!
Great articles- keep up the good work!
My problem isn’t even being in relationships with mr. unavailables. I usually meet them, have one or 2 great dates, and then they tell me they were just dumped recently or aren’t ready to be in a relationship. This keeps happening over and over again to me and I don’t know what to do. I have never been able to meet someone that I like that likes me back AND wants a relationship too…So I’m not even allowing them to be with me because they are the ones who end it, they don’t string me along…So what do you say to people who only find unavailable men?
Hi ‘but…’ I doubt that you intentionally seek out these men but there is something sometimes in the energy that we give off or we are drawn to subtle things that we don’t necessarily recognise as red flags. Now you’re having a lucky escape by them not choosing to pursue you and either something about you says that you’re not unavailable like they are or you’re choosing a particular type of Mr Unavailable. I regularly suggest to people that when in doubt, do a bit of crime scene investigation and get a pen and paper. Jot down good and bad points about them, how you met them, things that you drew you in, how he behaved, what he’s told you about himself or his past relationships. Cross reference the info against what you write down about other men in your past. There is a pattern here somewhere! Also note how you were with them. Were you for instance, aloof, did you tell them that you really wanted to take it further, did you sleep with them, not sleep with them. Basically hunt down your pattern. I will write a post about this in the next few days and post a link
Brad K, you are very on point. I am now trying to break away from a man that has a great job, attractive, smart,etc. We enjoy(ed) surface level things immensely: watching t.v., going to shows, talking about current events, but when it came to developing intimacy, I got a LOT of “i don’t knows” and more often silence. Talking about emotional matters was almost equivalent to a meltdown if not a great deal of frustration! After the first three whirlwind months of cards, late night talks, cuddling and playing with my kids, eventually I did not get compliments, affection, nor anymore of the deep personal talks. After I love you, telling others my kids were his stepkids, I started getting that he didn’t want such a serious relationship, that playing with my kids made him miss his own, that he wasn’t so sure anymore. Yet I stuck with it, despite his formerly abusive marriage (to him not her) and continuously psycho ex wife’s tirades who used the children to hurt him as well. He is not close with his mother, actually more annoyed, nor his sisters, he had one VERY close friend whom just passed and has acquaintances from work. Needless to say, I felt very lonely even with him. I could tell myself in my head I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t leave because his unavailability made him safe and there was and still is STRONG sexual chemistry. I hurt now that I am trying to let go in the worst way and to make it worse, because I always knew in my head, but didn’t leave then-he now comes out looking like a king; I feel like an idiot, cause he’s trying to get away from me (lol). I want to hope he changes and loves me, yet at the same time I want to leave but not looking like some nut job needy Nancy, you know? I wish I had had your advice earlier instead of dealing with the emotional hell and comeback journey I am presently beginning to go through. Keep up the good advice – regardless of what technical reasons your words may not sound “politically correct”. They are HONEST, STRAIGHTFORWARD, TRUE, NEEDED and RIGHT ON! for someone who is fresh out of it – Thanks
I would like to ask you to remove the above to a post. They refer to a friend who has being embarassed on the web by an imposter. I have had similar postings removed from other sites and will hope you would do the same. I emailed you about this but they kept coming back. Thank you.
Hi, there have been no emails sent. Please clarify what email address these were sent from and which one to. I suggest that you use the contact page http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/contact – please ensure you have the appropriate information to authenticate your claims. You also need to state which comment you are referring to – there were 20 comments before yours. As you can imagine, in an effort to avoid spam issues, you will have to get into contact with me. thanks
I recently had to get away from an emotionally unavailable man. We dated for almost a year before he could even say I was his girlfriend. Then, after 9 months of being official, I broke up with him because he constantly put me last on his list. He always had something to do, always went out to the clubs. I asked him to include me in his life. He didn’t. After about a month of break up hell, he said he would change and I thought started over. We were talking everyday, he said he wanted to be with me and we both said we weren’t going to break up again and we were going to work out our issues. After about two months of back togetherness, I asked him to change his status from single to in a relationship on his myspace and he said no, its not the right time. Then I asked him if he was my boyfriend or if he wanted to be. And he said he couldn’t be that right now, but could we still hang out. I’d been with this man for nearly two years and he’d been unavailable the entire time. He broke my heart. Get out early. Don’t stay like I did because it just hurts more the longer you stay involved with Mr. Unavailable. If he wants you, you will know it, and if he REALLY doesn’t, you will know that it your gut too. I know I did and it just leaves you feeling unwanted and empty and unloved.
JD,
I’m sorry. I know how you feel: deceived, betrayed, cheated and rejected. You’re absolutely right, get out early before they can really hurt you.
Does this idiot have any idea of what he did to you??