Each day on the Baggage Reclaim Facebook Page, I share little snippets of my insights about relationships. After @AngieMaggieB tweeted me saying, “I may have heard every excuse in the book this week… and then made every excuse for all those excuses,” it inspired me to respond on Twitter and Facebook with “Don’t make excuses for other people’s behaviour as you’re assuming you know better because you don’t want to hear the truth. Accept what they have done or said because you can decide if you want to stay or go under real circumstances and reasons. If you’re making excuses for their excuses, it means the original excuses were crap.”
I remember my relationship with the Mr Unavailable that triggered my epiphany. All I did was make excuses.
For example:
My ex only called towards the weekend and wanted to meet/stay over when he had a guys’ night out in London that same weekend.
My excuses: His work seemed very busy, he was trying to sort out his living arrangements, and I figured he was trying to ‘optimise’ his time by lining up all of his activities.
I also figured he wanted to take things slow. He was halfhearted, stopped making an effort, and was worried about his ex discovering that we were dating. I focused on the latter information and decided it was worries about her that caused him to behave as he did towards me.
He was fresh out of a relationship, had baggage, and was keen to keep things light.
I reasoned that these were near irrelevant because if being fresh out of a relationship mattered or his baggage, he wouldn’t have pursued me. Call this giving someone way too much credit for their empathy or level of responsibility towards someone.
My ex only called towards the weekend and wanted to meet/stay over when he had a guys’ night out in London that same weekend.
The truth: I was a convenient stop-off point, not important enough to have plans made with, and great parking.
I also figured he wanted to take things slow.
The truth: unless going slowly involves grinding to a halt and moving into reverse, his behaviour showed that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere because he didn’t want it to go somewhere that had him ‘too’ committed.
He was halfhearted, stopped making an effort, and was worried about his ex discovering that we were dating. So really, we weren’t dating. If we were, it’s a secret that I wasn’t in on.
The truth: he was fresh out of a relationship, had baggage, and was keen to keep things light. He didn’t want anything heavy because we were casual.
I’d been lying to myself. If I hadn’t, our involvement wouldn’t have lasted four months, and I certainly wouldn’t have ignored, dismissed, and overridden myself.
Try it out. Strip the excuses from their excuses or just strip out all the excuses and ask yourself what you’re left with and whether you like it. Keep in mind that if you have to make excuses in the first place, it’s likely that you are making an exception to and turning a blind eye to stuff that, under ordinary circumstances, you shouldn’t be.
Think of it as an experiment. Spend a week not making excuses. No ifs, buts, maybes, what-ifs, and Say It Isn’t So moments. Think of it as giving yourself your relationship straight, with no chaser. What does it taste like?
Your thoughts?
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Go on girl!
I think the only way your “relationship” can work with these fools is if you make excuses for their erratic behavior otherwise, you’re most likely not moving past the first date.
I remember how much my X used his son as an excuse….
“I can’t talk right now, i have Robby with me” (That was at 2:00am)
“I’m in a movie with Robby, i’ll call you when it’s over” (he phoned me 2 weeks later)
“Robby isn’t feeling well and i think I’ve caught his cold I’m taking care of him”
“You have to leave now, it’s my weekend with Robby” (9am on a Tuesday)
“It’s Robby’s birthday, i’m throwing him a party, call you soon”
My girl friend’s began to call Robby “TVC” The Vampire Child that didn’t ever eat or sleep, and expected his fathers attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was his perfect scapegoat, and of course i never questioned him – how rude would it have been for me to do that!! (pfffff)
In actuality – strip away the excuses – “you’re not that important to me, and I’m trying to get rid of you without coming off as a huge asshole, and you won’t question these excuses because they involve my little boy – you can’t say shit”
If I had stripped down my last relationship. He wanted me to be there on his terms, under his control, OK with him blowing hot whenever I showed any signs of moving on or meeting somebody else. Blowing cold when he has me back in line.
I obviously had a very good imagination to build that up in to some fairytale!!!!!!
Hoo boy! When I threatened to leave, I got, “give it one more week….”
One more week to WHAT? For him to keep on ignoring me?
He didn’t communicate with me unless by text & that was the day he wanted booty call.
We didn’t go on a real *date*
Our booty calls were getting shorter and shorter –never overnight – to about 1.5 hrs/session
When i said i wanted a *change of scenery* anywhere but my home/bedroom – he couldn’t have me over to his house b/c it would confuse his son (25 yrs old) (WTF?!)
He wanted to further explore his current girlfriend’s ideas for future dates
Couldn’t sleep on my mattress – needed to go home
Had *bubble* and couldn’t sleep – needed to go home
Had headache if he didn’t get ‘nuf sleep and needed to go home…you get the idea.
This was after knowing him for 2 glorious, fun-filled, loving years (’02-’04) and knowing what he was capable of. Yet, i allowed the excuses for the following SIX YEARS. What was i thinking??? He sure as hell had no problem NOT making excuses for me!
Great article Natalie – you really hit the nail on the head with this one!!
Love the accountability in this. All of a sudden I realize it’s not his fault I made excuses for him and didn’t want to see his miserable excuses or his behavior for what it was – its mine. I won’t be making another excuse and I know what I need to do. Thank you Natalie!
Ed Turner’s excuses for not answering evening calls:
‘Its so odd I’ve got occasional ‘no signal’ in my living room’ (he later called from his signaless living room.
‘Its really weird I’ve now got ‘no signal’ in my bedroom’ (turned out it was a new ex platonic girlfriends bedroom that he shared the bed with).
‘So anoying I’ve suddenly got ‘no signal’ in my whole flat’ (thats because it was her flat).
‘I’ve decided I want a casual relationship with you, so now you can stop asking why I seem to have an 80% no signal rate’ (when I found out he lived with a new ex girlfriend (Mel).
‘How odd I have no signal for a whole week’ (later discovered he was away ski-ing with ex ex ‘now platonic’ girlfriend.
The No signal excuse/lies meant…….: I am not available to you because I am now with several other lovers (whom I will carry on pretending I am platonic with) and you will believe that as you were born yesterday.
No signal was silly AC code for “I am unavailable”. AC’s really do tell you they are AC’s all along, it’s just that we are either truly naive that someone would be so deceitful, believe mightily in the benefit of doubt, or choose to be less than truthful about it to ourselves by making excuses for the fishy excuses.
In my case it was a slow decline from naive to fantasy. I have been forever awakened to the fact that if I am giving someone the benefit of the doubt, repeatedly, there is probably something very wrong and I need to get doubt out of the equation and face the truth.
Ditto June….
BINGO!
I feel like an idiot for making excuses for people, especially ACs/EUM. *sigh* lol.
This site has really opened up my eyes to a lot of my own behavior and that of the men that I met.
I recently met a really great guy, attractive, intelligent, politically motivated. He wanted me to help him run his campaign for town council elections in November. Then he switched over to flirting with me. I couldn’t tell exactly what he wanted from me. Did he want my professional talents? Or was he interested in dating me? So I took Natalie’s advice and flat out asked him what he was looking for.
After a very long-winded answer, where he mentioned his divorce was just finalized 4 months ago and that he’d been dating inappropriate women, he seemed to come to the conclusion that he wasn’t sure what he wanted from me and continued flirting. I walked away that night a bit confused as to what went down between us and holding out a bit of hope that he was interested in pursuing me.
Then the more I thought about it and read some more of Natalie’s posts I realized there was no confusion here. He was pretty clear. He’s not ready for a relationship with me (i.e. dating inappropriate women). After all, he did just get divorced. I am looking for a relationship that will lead to monogamy (and potentially more). I don’t want to get involved with another emotionally unavailable guy.
When we met up last night, we discussed things again. I told him I’d work on his political campaign, but since neither one of us were in the same place relationship-wise, it was best not to go there. I also told him that if he was ever prepared to take things to a physical place with us, he’d have to assume the monogamy/boyfriend responsibility that goes along with that. I think he understood that, even if he wasn’t a fan of having the boundaries be so black/white. I am, though. And was proud of myself for drawing them. Now, I just have to reinforce them, especially since I will be working with him.
This is great, so clearly thought and acted upon and so mature and logical. It’s hard to believe you will have any problem enforcing the easily understood monogamy/boyfriend responsibility, should it go there.
I am sure some men would consider this type of conversation confrontational, since it is assertive behavior. But, I think it actually is very sound ( maybe even necessary) business practice, as well as personally respectful to the both of you.
WOW Judy, I am so impressed! I am going to put your experience on my fridge and read it every day! What a brilliant and straightforward way to handle the situation, and like aphrogirl said – much easier to enforce the monogamy/boyfriend expectation should it go there. That took a lot of self-assurance, and I’m sure the guy was pretty blown away by a woman who actually states her boundaries in a matter-of-fact (and not confrontational) way. AND good for you for actually “hearing” what he had to say and making a decision not to pursue things. That can be sooo hard to do! That was textbook NML behavior – congratulations!!!
This is a great post – very ‘practical’ and to the point. Well done!
I wonder if Natalie should post a section on “Success Stories” for all of us who have taken her advice to heart and avoided getting sucked into an AC/EUM or other unhealthy relationship?
Judy’s story is a great example, and I was thinking that I also recently had small “success” in this area. I met a guy and was immediately smitten with him. Although we went out several times in a group setting and kissed, he never actually asked me out for a proper date. We would text back and forth, and he seemed very into me, but would never make a move for something more.
This continued for a couple weeks on and off, and when I finally decided to invite him to dinner, he didn’t reply and then disappeared. I don’t think the guy was necessarily EUM, but he clearly wasn’t interested in anything more than a potential hookup!
I was really disappointed and had the usual thoughts of “what did I do wrong?” for a couple weeks, but then a part of me was saying “Yay! A chance to practice walking away from someone before I get emotionally involved!” In the past I probably would have pursued him anyway and agreed to a casual relationship because I was so attracted to him. But from reading this blog for over a year, I can see things more clearly now! It still stings to be rejected, but I also feel a little empowered by my first success in setting boundaries and not continuing to pursue someone who makes me feel uncertain, on-edge and unwanted.
Thank you NML and all the girls who post here – you have helped me more than you’ll ever know! The first step is the hardest… but it’s amazing to actually do it.
did tell me on our second meeting that he “just didn’t care” about a lot of things. It seemed strange at the time, but looking back
Ooops, forgot to erase something at the end of my last post… but I suppose that part is interesting, too – the guy and I were talking about how one of his friends operates in terms of girls and always trying for booty calls, etc, and I asked him how HE operates. He said something like “You know, I just don’t really care. About anything. It’s kind of weird, actually. And one of my biggest flaws.” That seemed odd, and kind of stuck in my head as a red flag… many of my ex-AC’s didn’t care about anything, either, especially not how their actions were affecting me. I kind of laughed off his comment, but looking back I think my gut was picking up on that and warning me to STAY AWAY – once again, the AC’s tell you who they are, and sometimes we choose not to listen. It is SO interesting to see these things played out in real life now that I’m aware of them, haha!
Interesting comment here because AC used to say that to me all the time too. I don’t care, or I am fine with nothing, or I don’t need or want anything. He was almost defiant about it, as if it made him better than everybody else or something. I always wondered about that and if it was a trait of this disorder. Being an EUM is a personality disorder, I am convinced of it now.
Thanks for all kind words! They mean a lot to me. I’m glad the conversation went as well as it did. It was non-confrontational, kind, even. Once I stopped listening to his excuses (and making them for him), I heard what he was saying. It went well. He even offered to introduce me to some of his friends. Ironic, huh?
I guess, like many on the site, I’ve been going through a process of self-evaluation since ending my position as a Fallback Girl. And it’s hard attempting to get back out there and date. I’ve made my share of mistakes. I question my own judgment, a lot, and wonder if I’m stuck. These are things Natalie has talked about so many times on this site. So realizing I did something right feels good!
I read this quote somewhere a few months ago that really hit me. It is: “we all have the opportunity to find that place where awareness trumps our actions. I’ve reached that place. I can’t go back.”
I like that quote because it’s so utterly appropriate. I think that’s where I am right now. Rarely do we reach our “Enough” moment and start seeing things clearly, acting appropriately, all the time. I know I don’t. I guess the process of self-actualization is exactly that, a process. For me, it’s a matter of knowing what my relationship patterns are and keeping them in mind every time I meet a new guy. Sometimes I falter and fumble a bit, and I have to accept that it’s ok, because I’m not perfect. As long as I make the right choices in the end (as I did with politician guy), then I know I’m on the right track.
aphrogirl,
loved this part of your post… “I have been forever awakened to the fact that if I am giving someone the benefit of the doubt, repeatedly, there is probably something very wrong and I need to get doubt out of the equation and face the truth.”
It really spoke to me. You put words to something I felt, but didn’t know how to say. I too realized that in my last relationship with my AC. When that clicked home, I started NC. It’s been 45 days (despite him lamely texting me yest. and I didn’t respond), and I’m feeling good.
Great article Nat!
Speaking of behavior, wasn’t sure which post this comment should go to. Well, I’ll do it here. Listen to a guy’s “phrasing.” Guys, especially A/C’s like to “phrase” things to sound like they are “in control” or that they “took an action.” Most likely they didn’t. For example, my last A/C said that he “broke up with a girl who [did something he didn’t like…]” This implies that he actually “took an action” to break it up. yeah right……. I checked with another source and found out that the relationship fizzled without him taking any specific “action” to break it up……
in other words, A/C’s like to “claim credit for taking an action” when the thing happened anyway via natural course of events, regardless of any “action” taken by the guy.
Listen for “action oriented” phrasing from a guy. Most likely, he did NOT take any sort of “action.”
@ JJ2,
Great observation and very true! I have definitely noticed the same type of behavior and caught him in numerous lies…
i think this all ties in with their passive-aggressiveness, i also remember you saying in one of your posts that they repeat stories that either you have said or that they have heard..I have definitely noticed that!
There were numerous occasions that we had been out and he was telling me about his day…. i thought to myself “this story seems oddly similar to the story i told you last month! is he steeling my story?!?” hello!! red flag… of course ignored…
I learned after reading Adult Children of Alcoholics that EUM’s will listen and watch the behavior of others and mimic personalities. This gives them the opportunity to prove themselves as “normal”
It’s all a facade… smoke show to hide the shame that eats away at their souls and the demons that control their lives.
i’m sorry, i’m still angry. 🙁
From Pushing.Through: “i also remember you saying in one of your posts that they repeat stories that either you have said or that they have heard..I have definitely noticed that!”
Pushing, that is called….. “parroting.”
And I hope you get over your anger, but I know…… it’s hard, I’m still angry that my last guy was an A/C. And this was after I had “opened the door” after ten years of no dates! (self imposed….)
The pill that has been hardest for me to swallow is knowing the fact that he had sent up multiple red flags in the beginning and all through the year and a half relationship. Wasn’t sure if he could promise me a committment, I pretended like I was ok with that – but then would contradict it by talking about our future together such as moving to another state or kids.
It’s hard to realize that I had all the information I needed to make a good decision and I just turned my back on those facts and pursued the illusion.
I don’t have the good fortune of just saying “he was a jerk that yanked me around” I have to say “I should have known better, this is really my fault”.
Sucks.
Dear In Time – I know you think it sucks and are blaming yourself – I did that as well – but here are a few things to think about. First, your making excuses didn’t cause his bad behaviour, it only allowed. Second, relationships are meant to teach us something and it sounds like you have now learned what red flags look like and what to do next time. I beat myself up badly after it ended with my AC, but have come to realize that it was one of the most valuable learning experiences of my life. I had spent my life blaming them, trying to fix them, making excuses for them and finally had to acknowledge my own role in my misery, not for the purpose of making myself feel bad and destroying my self esteem but so that I could finally do something. Reading this site helped me realize I could never fix or change him (despite what I now recognize as my efforts to) but that I can change and fix me and there is something very healing and liberating in that. I felt humiliated and shamed that I let it go on so long, that I ignored so many red flags and put up with some appalling behaviour but that was what it took to finally wake me up and make me save myself, focus on myself. Hopefully, your realization is the first step to doing that. Stop blaming yourself, recognize what is his contribution to your pain and use what you have learned to help yourself. Maybe assclowns exist solely for the purpose of helping decent but dysfunctional women get the wake up call we need and deserve. I hope you find peace and a much better life now that you are free.
I have heard all the excuses and made all the excuses for all the excuses but eventually you know they are excuses the instant you hear them. I stopped making excuses and just accepted that’s what I was getting. I not only recognise them for what they are the minute I hear them, I can also predict what they will be and when I will hear them with quite alarming accuracy! They are so predictable. He’s not even very imaginative. But why would he be when the old ones seem to do anyway and I don’t think they care if you have twigged onto the excuses.
I had an EUM once who told me for a year he was not sleeping with his g/f. When we broke up and I discovered he had been sleeping with her all along he said to me ” but you didn’t really believe that did you?” as if his lies were not the issue.
The usual one from my current EUM is that he not feeling well – he is in his bed sick or he has too much work to get through. It’s very hard to tell someone you don’t believe they are sick in case they are sick! This reminds me of the story here about the guy who always used his son as an excuse – like he can’t see you b’c he is a great father, a hard worker, a poor sick soul! The excuses always seem to go for the sympathy vote or are just emotional blackmail or are even supposed to impart his better qualities!
When I textd my EUM about how truthful something he had said had been I just got a text back saying “stop calling me a liar or stop talking to me”. What he meant was if I don’t drop the subject it he would stop talikng to me. And he seems to have no porblem doing that, which reminds me of the old truth – The person who holds all the power is the one who can most easily walk away.