I’m going to start by saying that you’d better be in love big time if you are even thinking about doing this!
There is an unspoken and spoken rule that you don’t pick up your friends leftovers. Boyfriends come and go, friends can last forever and all that jazz, but what if you really are thinking about dating her ex?
Think again. Then think again. And then think some more.
It is never ideal to go somewhere where someone else (a friend) has gone before. If you need some help visualising why, let me help you along.
When you are making love/getting jiggy/screwing his brains out, remember that his penis has been in your friends vagina. Many times. Remember that they may have had oral sex, anal sex and all sorts of things.
Still thinking about it. OK.
Just to be clear, ‘ex’ in this scenario is someone that your friend had a significant relationship with. They had a break up. It is, however, a free for all if he is some random bloke that she shagged, dated briefly. If you know that she is still in love/lusting after this guy, approach with caution.
If you value your friendship you will engage in some sort of discussion about your potential or possibly already occuring relationship with her ex. You don’t need your friends permission to go out with him, but it would be nice to know that you haven’t put your friendship on the chopping block. Don’t go in on the defensive. Put yourself in her shoes and you’ll realise that you’d probably hate this situation as much as she does. A lot of the upset comes from pushing the friendship into this territory in the first place.
She’s unlikely to take it well unless they have been broken up for years or blissfully happy with someone else. Bear in mind that some of the first things that she will be thinking is:
Did she always fancy him?When she was telling me to ditch the bastard did she have designs on him?
When she was telling me that we weren’t suited was it because she thought she suited him better?
If he’s not good enough for me, why is he good enough for her?
These are questions that whether you like it or not, she does have legitimate reasons for thinking it. I appreciate that you’re her friend, but most of us associate our friend being with our ex as some sort of betrayal, rightly or wrongly. Calm her fears and reassure her that you are still the friend you always were. Let her know that you’re serious about this guy, you want to give things a chance and that you want to be upfront and honest.
I can only assume that anyone who wants to be with their friends ex boyfriend must really feel something deeply for him to risk the friendship, or at least this should happen in an ideal world. Whilst this is not the ideal scenario, who’s to say that you can’t find love with someone that used to go out with your friend? There is no accounting for taste or love and sometimes other peoples break-ups throw us into a closeness with the ex.
I must admit though that if the guy you are chasing is your friends ex husband, that is not pretty and your friendship is unlikely to survive unless it was the most pleasant divorce in history.
One of the things that you definitely should remember is why she broke up with him in the first place. I appreciate that people can change but if for instance your friend ditched him because he emotionally or physically abused her, it probably isn’t a wise idea to suddenly develop memory issues. You also need to ask yourself:
Do you actually want to stay friends with her? How much do you value the friendship? If she was dead set against it, would you turn your back on a relationship with him?
How do you think the socialising bit is going to work?
Has he any unresolved anger with her?
Is he using you to get back at her?
Things that you definitely shouldn’t do:
Tell her about the relationship after you get engaged
Tell her after you’ve got married
Let her find you in bed together/having a snog
Lie to her and tell her you’re not involved when you are
Go to her to moan about the very things that she broke up with him for.Get together with her ex shortly after they have broken up!
Friends are supposed to be happy for each other which means that if the relationship is genuine, although she may be a bit caught off guard and even a bit hurt by your revelation, she will support you and give her ‘blessing’.
Friends are supposed to be happy for each other which means that if the relationship is genuine, although she may be a bit caught off guard and even a bit hurt by your revelation, she will support you and give her ‘blessing’.
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