1. Don’t ask questions if you’re not prepared to accept the honest answer.

Honesty isn’t about hearing what you want to hear.

2. Don’t give your partner a hard time for being honest about a past you weren’t a part of.

When someone discloses their past or shares themselves with you, it’s a vote for trust and intimacy. Laughing and joking along about their past and then using it against them later down the line is a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

3. Expect as much honesty as you give.

4. When a prospective partner is honest enough to tell you they’re a) an asshole, b) married, c) otherwise attached, d) a beater, e) anything else that screams run for the hills, listen instead of thinking you’ll be the exception to the rule.

Plenty of folks won’t even bother to be upfront! Consider yourself slightly more fortunate!

5. Don’t have predetermined answers.

No one likes feeling like they’re damned with their answers. Your deciding their answer before they speak sets them up for a trap.

6. Don’t be fluffy with your questions or your answers.

You don’t need to be brutal, but you do need to be honest and more direct so there is no ambiguity. For instance, there’s no point saying that you want a casual relationship if the reality is you want a serious relationship.

7. Don’t tell partners what you think they want to hear.

That’s people pleasing, and it blocks intimacy. Many people spend their time bumbling their way around the truth for fear of other people’s reactions. However, often the reaction isn’t as bad as what you think it will be and the truth always eventually comes out.

8. Don’t hold back on honesty.

If you do, you’ll wind up feeling resentful.

9. Steer clear of bullshitting yourself and others with ‘[your] version of honesty]’.

Some people wouldn’t know the truth if it jumped on them and shagged them. The truth is the truth.

10. Don’t drip-feed the truth.

A reader complained that her boyfriend told her how he had a crush on another woman. Over the next few months, the truth unfolded drip by bloody drip, and the final story was far different from the original. Telling 90% of the story and omitting the vital 10% is a waste of time.

11. If you’re going to be honest about something, be clear about your intentions and motives.

Is it to make the other party feel better or to make yourself feel better and unburden the guilt?

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