On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about how we can close the gap between who we say we are, what we say we want and what we actually do by becoming more of who we really are. In order to do this, we need to become aware of where we are playing a role or even several roles.
I talk about:
How the role we play is second nature because it’s a habit that’s gone unquestioned
Why the role we play is based on us having worked out the conditions for us to 1) be OK, 2) be perceived as good, worthy, lovable etc., 3) to get approval, attention, affection, love and validation or to avoid conflict, criticism, disappointment, rejection or even abandonment, and 4) to fix our family or to protect it (or a family member)
Some of the roles we think that it’s our job to play including being the one who always effs up or fails or the one who has to overachieve in order to elevate the family, or even the one who has to have problems
Why the role had its uses when we originally adopted is as a survival mechanism but it’s holding us back by being universally applied
Why roles are a block to intimacy and so of course we’re not going to be able to play a role and be happy at the same time
Why playing a role ultimately comes down to doing something because it’s what we think is expected of us not because we want to
The six questions:
What are your rules? Look for shoulds and musts.
What do you resist doing even if it would mean a happier life? E.g. Asking for help, letting family figure out their stuff, having boundaries. Why you resist is because of what you perceive as being your function within your interpersonal relationships.
Who do you feel disloyal about? Or, put another way–who do you fear alienating and what are you doing in order to prevent this?
What are the roles of individual family members? So, who’s over-responsible, the peacemaker, the least responsible etc., and how does this affect you and what you think is and isn’t possible?
What do you say yes to automatically or even very quickly, even if it leaves you feeling icky and possibly self-critical?
What do you always do in your friendships, romantic relationships etc? This will give you an idea of what you always see as your ‘function’ within relationships
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on Apple Podcasts (how-to guide here). It really helps in growing the show. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Dear Nat, happy 90th podcast 🙂 another great one!
I’m here to say thank you. I started reading baggage reclaim back in 2010-2011, and I have kept reading evem when something made me angry or frustrated or sad, even when I couldn’t understand. Your words have made their way to my brain and spirit and heart, and now, 7 yrs later, I can say that I am well. I am living my professional dream, and I’ll soon be moving to another country for a great job opportunity. I am single, and have been “in-love free” for a while, after a life spent being in love, or in a relationship. Now I am a white canvas, and I can’t wait to start meeting new people in my new city, and go to dates, and get to know them. You know what it means 🙂 no more role playing, no more angst, no more running hot and cold, no more emotional unavailability. I understand now what you meant in your posts, I feel it in my bones, and I am so grateful for you long-distance support during all these years. I still struggle, don’t we all! but I’m not unaware, I’m not scared, I’m not emotionally unavailable anymore. This site has been a pillar to my recovery, from the state years of bullying and gaslighting and an emotionally abusive relationship had reduced me into (not to mention some sub-par therapists, alas). You are a great woman, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for you! So I’m sending you all the love xxx
NATALIE
on 10/08/2017 at 10:44 pm
Thanks for this touching message. I’m really pleased for you that you’re connected to yourself and living and loving life. Congratulations on your job move and keep taking care of you. I’m honoured to have been a part of your journey–thank you. Big squeezy hugs, Nat xxx
pattybianca
on 14/08/2017 at 12:55 pm
I never believe my husband could stood so low cheating on me until i confront him with evidence confront your cheating spouse with evidence, I was able to spy on my cheating ex phone without finding out…..it really helped me during my divorce …you can contact h a c k s e c r e t e @ g m a i l. c o m for spying and hacking social networks, school servers, icloud and much more,viber chats hack, Facebook messages and yahoo messenger,calls log and spy call recording, monitoring SMS text messages remotely,cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on Whats app Messages,his services are cheap.. and please tell him i referred you to him.
Silvercloud
on 28/08/2017 at 12:55 pm
I took a BR break because there are some things I fundamentally disagree with here that impede my trauma sexual abuse survivor work, but ironically, some things speed it up here, such as your take on family dynamics and family boundaries. I will probably always see things differently in terms of grief/forgiveness and abstaining from romantic relationships, but I do find the social and family dynamics info helpful.
Silvercloud
on 28/08/2017 at 1:25 pm
Also, this makes me think of how I was constantly told to fit the mold in my family. How unfortunate.
It reminds me of when Bjork wore the swan dress (people still make fun of her today) and she looked so happy and peaceful and creative and media shat all over her expression.
Whenever I’m lonely because I refuse to be the status quo (whether it be rebellious or repressive), I close my eyes and think of Swan Dress Bjork.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2025, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
Manage Cookie Consent
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
Dear Nat, happy 90th podcast 🙂 another great one!
I’m here to say thank you. I started reading baggage reclaim back in 2010-2011, and I have kept reading evem when something made me angry or frustrated or sad, even when I couldn’t understand. Your words have made their way to my brain and spirit and heart, and now, 7 yrs later, I can say that I am well. I am living my professional dream, and I’ll soon be moving to another country for a great job opportunity. I am single, and have been “in-love free” for a while, after a life spent being in love, or in a relationship. Now I am a white canvas, and I can’t wait to start meeting new people in my new city, and go to dates, and get to know them. You know what it means 🙂 no more role playing, no more angst, no more running hot and cold, no more emotional unavailability. I understand now what you meant in your posts, I feel it in my bones, and I am so grateful for you long-distance support during all these years. I still struggle, don’t we all! but I’m not unaware, I’m not scared, I’m not emotionally unavailable anymore. This site has been a pillar to my recovery, from the state years of bullying and gaslighting and an emotionally abusive relationship had reduced me into (not to mention some sub-par therapists, alas). You are a great woman, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for you! So I’m sending you all the love xxx
Thanks for this touching message. I’m really pleased for you that you’re connected to yourself and living and loving life. Congratulations on your job move and keep taking care of you. I’m honoured to have been a part of your journey–thank you. Big squeezy hugs, Nat xxx
I never believe my husband could stood so low cheating on me until i confront him with evidence confront your cheating spouse with evidence, I was able to spy on my cheating ex phone without finding out…..it really helped me during my divorce …you can contact h a c k s e c r e t e @ g m a i l. c o m for spying and hacking social networks, school servers, icloud and much more,viber chats hack, Facebook messages and yahoo messenger,calls log and spy call recording, monitoring SMS text messages remotely,cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on Whats app Messages,his services are cheap.. and please tell him i referred you to him.
I took a BR break because there are some things I fundamentally disagree with here that impede my trauma sexual abuse survivor work, but ironically, some things speed it up here, such as your take on family dynamics and family boundaries. I will probably always see things differently in terms of grief/forgiveness and abstaining from romantic relationships, but I do find the social and family dynamics info helpful.
Also, this makes me think of how I was constantly told to fit the mold in my family. How unfortunate.
It reminds me of when Bjork wore the swan dress (people still make fun of her today) and she looked so happy and peaceful and creative and media shat all over her expression.
Whenever I’m lonely because I refuse to be the status quo (whether it be rebellious or repressive), I close my eyes and think of Swan Dress Bjork.