Tags: dealing with co-workers, emotional availability, failure, fear of failure, life goals, life plans, Low Contact, negative associations, No Contact at work, relationship patterns, The No Contact Rule
It’s time for this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!
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IN THIS EPISODE…
- No (read: Low) Contact at work. Breaking up can be a struggle but to then have to work with them too? Jaysus! I know all about that after having to sit across from my ex. We also shared clients, and his best friend was my bestie’s boyfriend at the time. I share my 7 Tips for No Contact at Work and you can download the accompanying tip sheet. | There’s an entire chapter devoted to tricky situations and ‘Low Contact’ in The No Contact Rule book.
- Fear of failure. If you grew up around someone who pushed you to the be the best that you can be while at the same time, they scared the bejaysus out of you about failure and told you it wasn’t an option, the idea of taking risks and deviating from their ‘rules’, will start to impact on your decision-making and choices. I include questions for self-exploration and offer up some perspective on ‘failing’. Download The Unsent Letter Guide. Note, in the episode I say that it can be downloaded from the the same page as the tip sheet but then confused myself about how to. Doh! So you will need to request to download it separately. I will crack this for future episodes.
- Em and I have been together for almost ten years! It’s a big anniversary for us on the 18th, and it’s brought into sharp focus how I’m so glad that I stopped looking for what I used to look for.
- Listener Question: Marlena’s trying to break her habit of being with Mr Unavailables but keeps meeting “too emotional” men who want to talk about and share in their feelings, which is making her uncomfortable. I shed some light on what’s really going on.
- What Nat Learned This Week: I think I need to make a life plan! While listening to the Amy Porterfield business podcast, Michael Hyatt offered sage advice and insight about drifting and the importance of life plans that really resonated with me.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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I am currently in a “no contact” situation with my sons father who left us for someone else after a 4 year relationship. A month after we broke up he was already being with someone new. He has said the most horrible and low things and has lied about this girl. After all the disrespect and seeing how he had no consideration for my feelings I cut him off “cold turkey”. I have arranged visitation with his son without me being involved. I have to say that the “no contact” rule is horrible. I often have anxiety and cry alot, but I try to think about his betrayal, cheating, and lies and it helps. No contact however, has helped me in seeing things and him for who he really is and it has allowed me to seek other activities and focus on my son more.
It’s not that No Contact is horrible per se; it’s what you think it symbolises. It can be a very difficult decision to make because it’s based on accepting what is and choosing to stop engaging and that creates a sense of not being in control. What is really horrible though is the way that your ex is behaving and now you can limit how much of that you are privy to. I think it is particularly difficult when you have a child with the person because it is not what you want to have to do. Sometimes a person can be a great parent but crap partner. Let’s hope that he can focus on giving your child the parent they deserve.
Congratulations on 10 years, Nat and Em x
Thankful again for your sanity checks, that have kept my eyes open during a few months getting to know an EU man. As he unfolded, some manipulative narcissistic behaviour emerged and I got out without drama (fingers crossed). I wondered why the world had sent me yet another one, but now I have more awareness of my baggage, values, and more trust that I’ll do the right thing by me, no matter what. I’m emotionally available! I wouldn’t even know what that meant without hearing of your own experiences and transformations.
Thanks Happy B. It’s just life’s funny ole way of checking that you really did learn what you say you learned. Like a pop quiz. Face down that test and know that you will be better off for having seen what you’ve needed to see with this person.
I don’t know if it’s fear of failure, but I do experience an action paralysis before taking a step into change, no matter how innocuous. It’s a fear to even TRY. I often find myself dreaming about creating things but not actually creating them. Not taking the steps.
When I was around 15, I remember I performed in a tumbling exhibition with my afterschool gymnastics club, and we did somersaults over large stacks of car tires, and as the stack got larger and larger, it looked impressive. Mom always picked me up from afterschool club, and she came early enough to see the show. When we were headed home, I remember she said to me “I didn’t thing you would make that last one.” It was said in a sullen tone, no congratulations in it. I remember I felt stunned, thinking ‘But I DID make it.’ I felt like I had done something wrong in her eyes. Both my parents are mortified to be found wrong about some fact, but are merciless taunts if you are wrong. Mom wanted to be a surgeon, but her high school advisor told her she was silly to have such dreams, and Mom believed him. I think she would have been a great surgeon. I don’t know my Dad’s story, but he is one to see the “hole” and not the doughnut. And yes, why oh why would I follow the blueprint of someone who is miserable??? I am just now understanding that I’ve been waiting for them to, just once, embrace and be excited by possibilities.
That’s a powerful story. Your mother has in her own way repeated the pattern of her school adviser’s limited view. She probably realised at some point that this person was incorrect but didn’t feel as if she could do anything about it. Her attitude towards you is no reflection of you–she’s still stuck in that time warp and every time you do something, it reminds her that she could have too.
Nat,
You look beautiful. The glow on your face is one of a really happy lady. You got that mega watt Julia Roberts smile going on. Keep shining. Inspirational. Yes I have a life plan. I have had the honor of speaking with Michael Hyatt by phone and exchanging emails with him. He is phenomenal. Also, he loves his wife Gail. I followed his blog and he honors his wife. I spoke to her and she confirmed he is truly awesome. I ask her for some tips. LOL. This man leads a life to be admired.
I decided to create and constantly fine tune my life plan because I have to know where I am going. At one point, I wasn’t as organized and it frustrated me. So, I made a drastic change.
Congrats to you and Em on 10 years. Just beautiful. Do something special together on the 18th. I want you to know that I consistently do nice things for myself per your instructions. LOL. My facials and massages are so good I fall in and out of sleep. Nothing like it after a great cardio workout.
I have attached a guide M. Hyatt did about life plans. This will take a bit of dedication. Please share your success with developing your plan. If you actually create a plan you are going to really go to new heights. YAY! You are already so creative with things like Advice Wednesday. We better watch out if you do your plan.
I have had a couple of opportunities to date but they are people in places where I do business. One thing that I have learned (reinforced) here at BR. I refuse to date where I make my money. Never. So, I have declined dates. I would rather be alone than date people in my business environment.
I don’t know if you remember how I use to be so bored on Saturdays after my breakup? Now, I have too much to do over the weekend. I am wrapping up a trip out of the States. I met great people to have dinner with and valued days of being ALONE to do whatever- whenever I wanted. It still gets lonely ,but I am starting to learn how to enjoy myself.
Here is the life plan template for anyone interested. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PRETTY LADY!
http://www.ugamiracle.org/uploads/7/4/2/7/7427540/creating_your_personal_life_plan.pdf
MJ
Thank you, MJ! I’m amazed how the universe sends you exactly what you need, when you need it! I’ve been working on rebuilding my life from the ground up. I am in the middle of the 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People (highly recommend!) and it has really opened my eyes on how much our personal paradigm affects our life. I realized I needed a life plan, and that I’ve been drifting. I’ve been thinking about how to go about developing a plan and who’s guidance I should seek and then this appeared! Love it!
Thanks again! Glad to hear you are doing so well!
Love it! Indeed–the universe delivers!
That’s so cool. I don’t know a great deal about Michael but I keep hearing people speak highly of him and you have definitely been my tipping point to look into him a bit more. Thank you for the link–it’s an epic-sized guide. I shall let you know how I get on. That’s so cool that you’re so busy being you at the weekend–love it! And thank you for the well wishes. I’m feeling very blessed xx
Do I have a life plan? Short answer – no. But now, at age 57, and living unemployed for over a year, I understand why a plan is the BEST way to get what you want out of life.
You’re wrong if you’re thinking “She’s out of work, and scared, and insecure about finances…so of course she sees the need for planning!”
No, being unemployed for so long has shown me how much I DO NOT miss what I had been doing. And if I had realized that there was more happiness in having freedom from a day-to-day grind, my plan at age 30 would have been to reach financial independence as soon as I possibly could.
All I knew is: You worked, paid your bills, and retired. I never had a plan for my life. Having this extended time away from the workforce has shown me that I was working so that someday I could NOT work, have all my time to myself, and live in a place I love with the people I love doing the work I love.
I was an academic achiever, but in high school I hit a bump in the road and started getting low grades in ninth and tenth grade. But in the summer between tenth and eleventh grade, I found a library book that taught me how to schedule my study time. I drew a chart of “time blocks”, and allocated my study time so that I devoted time to every subject in the course of a week. My grades skyrocketed. I remember a college recruiter comparing my transcript from 9th and 10th to 11th and 12th and saying it looked liked night & day.
Writing things down makes a difference for me. Planning how to get from A to Z, and writing out that plan, I find I stick to it better. Developing a schedule and sticking to that schedule produces better life results for me.
So, I have less time ahead than behind, but I am cheered by thinking that, if it takes me 4,5,6,or 7 years to gain financial independence, those 7 years are going to go by anyway, right? So, if I am still here 7 years from now, and I have worked my plan, I will be in a good place.
I’ve been watching lots of cooking shows, and they use the French term mise en place (pronounced meez-in-plahhz) . It’s when they prepare, in advance, all the items necessary to create the culinary dish. All the chopping & dicing, measured spices and broths, pots, pans, everything is in place. And all the chef needs to do is pull it all together and create the masterpiece.
We need to mise en place our lives. Think about where we want to be. And then take the small steps along the way to reach that endpoint. Apparently I am not the first to think this way. I saw this and wanted to share the link:
Mise en Place Your Life
I heard a lot of good information in this podcast. Thank you, Natalie.
“No, being unemployed for so long has shown me how much I DO NOT miss what I had been doing. And if I had realized that there was more happiness in having freedom from a day-to-day grind, my plan at age 30 would have been to reach financial independence as soon as I possibly could.” This. So right on! It’s experiences like this that give you the opportunity to reflect and decide how you want to live going forward. That’s why so many people discover that redundancy and breakups pave the way to amazing growth–they have time to rebuild their lives in a way that they prefer. They suddenly realise how relieved and blessed they are. Of course we don’t have to wait for a big event in order to think about these things. Thank you for sharing this–I love this French phrase!
Congratulations, Nat & Em!
Thank you for all of your advice and guidance. You are an inspiration.
Thank you! Xx