People-Pleasing Styles: What Your Pattern Reveals About Your Past and Present

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into the five styles of people-pleasing (gooding, efforting, avoiding, saving, and suffering) to help you identify which patterns you’ve fallen into and why. If you’ve thought a lot about how to stop people pleasing, you will get so much from this episode. Understanding your people-pleasing style isn’t about beating yourself up; it’s about recognising where you need to be more conscious, boundaried and authentic so you can finally break free from the exhausting cycle of trying to control the uncontrollable. As I share from my own journey with efforting, these patterns might have helped you survive, but they’re now blocking you from the genuine intimacy, fulfillment and self-trust you truly deserve.

IN THIS EPISODE…

• People-pleasing is a misappropriation of our good qualities and bandwidth that creates hidden agendas in our relationships. When we suppress our authentic needs and feelings to gain approval or avoid rejection, we’re creating expectations others don’t know about, setting ourselves up for disappointment and resentment when they don’t fulfill their end of a contract they never agreed to.
• The five people-pleasing styles (gooding, efforting, avoiding, saving, and suffering) reveal the specific strategies we use to feel worthy. Gooding focuses on being and looking good; efforting on using our efforts to achieve and prove our worthiness; avoiding on preventing conflict and going along to get along; saving on fixing and rescuing others; and suffering on enduring pain as proof of worthiness.
• Our dominant people-pleasing style reveals what was prioritised, praised, or criticised in our childhood environment. These patterns began as adaptive strategies to help us survive and gain acceptance within our family dynamics, but they’ve become maladaptive in adulthood, creating blind spots around our own needs and boundaries.
• Over-identifying with our people-pleasing style creates resistance to change, as we’ve built our identity around these patterns. We may unconsciously reject opportunities for growth because they contradict how we’ve learned to feel needed, worthy, and purposeful, keeping us trapped in roles that no longer serve us.
• Breaking free from people pleasing doesn’t mean becoming selfish or unkind; it means finding your authentic yes and no. When you figure out how to stop people pleasing, the goal isn’t to stop helping others or making sacrifices, but to do so consciously and from a place of genuine choice rather than fear, obligation, or the need for validation. This shift creates more honest relationships and allows you to trust yourself and your boundaries.

LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

• The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want
• Are You a People Pleaser? quiz
• Ep. 128: Roles – “I Want To Break Free”
• Ep. 242: But Will You Actually Get Into Trouble?
• Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
• Ep. 127: “Bark like a dog” and your ‘dating and relationship self’
• Ep. 283: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
• Ep. 284: Shifting Our Understanding of Attachment
• Giving 100 Percent Effort All The Time is a Boundary and Bandwidth Issue
• Ep. 194: The Self-Sabotage of Overgiving, Over-Responsibility, People Pleasing, Perfectionism and Overthinking
• Ep. 182: Your ‘Worthiness’ ISN’T To Blame
• Ep. 121: The Release & Relief of Giving Up On Try-ing
• Ep. 130: Dating Anxiety & Why Efforts Don’t Equal Outcomes
• Ep. 100: Are You Exceeding Your Bandwidth? (You Are Not The Energizer Bunny)
• Ep. 243: Revisited-What’s the baggage behind it?
• Ep. 158: It’s Not That You’re Not ‘Good Enough’ — You’re Over-Responsible
• Ep. 276: New Year, New No, and Recognising the Dark Side of People Pleasing
• Ep. 199: Yes Isn’t A ‘Clean’ Word If It’s Not Authentic
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
• What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry
• Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng
• Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
• I’m Sorry You Feel That Way by Rebecca Wait
• Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones
• The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett
• All My Mothers by Joanna Glenn

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