Following on from part one yesterday…
11. If you’re still talking about it, you’re still pissed off. Sometimes the other party assumes that an issue is ‘dealt with’ because you spoke about it with them and maybe they apologised. But if you’re still going on about the issue, it’s obviously not resolved. Either talk about it differently, or let it go. But do something.
12. People have an in-built assumption that if you’re still there, whatever you’re saying about them can’t be that bad, otherwise you’d have left. They don’t think ‘Wow, she must love me so much’, they think ‘OK, things aren’t really that bad!’
13. If you have good relationships with your family, you’re lucky because actually, a lot of people don’t. Blood is not always thicker than water because the fact that someone calls themselves family doesn’t mean that you have to stay there and take whatever they dish out. It is actually OK to say no and it is OK to back away if they are only prepared to be involved with you if they can behave in a way that results in your boundaries being crossed.
14. If your family don’t act with love, care, respect, and trust, you’ve got problems. No wonder it feels all too familiar with assclowns and Mr Unavailables when you don’t have the security of knowing that you have a core group of people that you can rely on.
15. It can be tiresome to be around people who have a lot of expectations but don’t communicate them. We end up failing tests that we don’t even know that we’re taking.
16. If you put people on a pedestal, the only place for them to look at you, is down. This is a very difficult place to recover from and automatically puts you in a position of assuming that you’re less than.
17. Nobody likes to be told that they are falling short and disappointing. You don’t want to be told, they don’t want to be told. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t say it. You should not feel that someone should be pleased to receive criticism, or ‘help’ though.
18. In order for someone to grasp what they are doing is crossing your boundaries, upsetting you etc, they need to take it personally. If we worry about the possibility of them taking it personally and as a result, stay quiet, we’re silencing how we really feel and still being pissed off anyway. You can’t tiptoe around important stuff.
19. When the going is good, personality, character, and value differences are not always so clear. But life doesn’t run smoothly and you will see how well you both cope (and your relationship) when stresses and pressure come into play.
20. The great majority of the problems in relationships revolve around boundaries and resistance. We either have little or no boundaries, or are resisting adapting, letting go, accepting, or whatever it is that we need to do in order for action that will benefit us to take place.
Part Three is now available. You can also check out part one and four.
Your thoughts?
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OH, NML another good post.
#13 and 14 really stick out with me and feel not too good when I realize that no, I am not treated with love, respect, care and trust by my family and no wonder I married a EUM/assclown and divorced him and later dated another assclown for 2 years and had assorted so called friends who were EU, or distant or cold or self-absorbed. No blood is not thicker than water and especially when the ole family not too supportive and loving and crossing boundaries. #15 too, my goodness. My sister and mother are forever putting up tests and of course since I don’t know they are tests, I am failing at them and of course they are ticked off that I didn’t pass and according to whatever system they are using. When one test is passed another invisible one goes up.
Simply amazing NML!
Outstanding and right on the button – as usual 🙂
The biggest thing is also knowing I am responsible for either having peaceful,happy relationships OR NOT.
It isn’t up to them – it’s up to me and whether I participate or whether I leave – and what my attitude is either way.
A rough/unhappy/angry relationship means there is a lesson to be learned there – when you have learned it, the pain goes away and you don’t repeat that type of thing because you’ve seen what you were meant to know and now you are different, no longer a victim, but empowered.
You see your own part in the cooperative dance.
Truly, happiness comes from within, a constantly reinforced series of effective choices.
NML, I’d like to read your thoughts and opinion about step children that are involved in relationships. Is that man/father EU when issues about stepkids arise? In my case he is almost always on his kids side or doesn’t say anything letting me deal with issues, but then I never do it right and I am in fault fault.