In case you haven’t guessed already, I’m taking a break. I’m currently on the Spanish island of Majorca on our annual holiday and will take more time out on my return so that I can continue to reboot but also to catch up on some behind-the-scenes stuff.
Eleven years ago, I didn’t know, love or like myself very much. My self-hate culminated in me being told that there was no cure for the disease I’m now in remission from for ten years (yay) and that I needed to go on steroids if I didn’t want to be dead by forty. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have kids and as you all know, I was also grappling with woeful taste in relationships and chronically low self-esteem because of the way I saw myself in relation to childhood experiences. I kept looking for love in the wrong places, searching out my father and even my mother in Mr Unavailables.
I’ve been on one hell of a journey since I walked out of the consultant’s office in August 2005 with my head held high, determined, suddenly, for the first time in my life to fight for myself. I needed to get in command of myself. I had no clue how I was going to get better or how I was going to improve my life. I’ll be honest, I got home and thought, Oh feck! What the hell do I do now?
But fear of going down a road I’d already been on or never actually living and enjoying my life far outweighed fear of taking action.
My life has changed beyond recognition. Trusted folk have stretched and mentored me, as well as a wonderful gang of people around the world who have been following my journey at different stages. I am incredibly blessed, but do you know what I’ve discovered over this past couple of years? As my work gathered pace and visibility over the years, I can see I’ve been playing it small.
Along the way, Professor Life will throw pop quizzes and make you walk the line. Or you’ll have to do lots of these all together in your own Road of Trials where it feels as if you keep being tested and you’re almost going, Are you fecking SERIOUS? Have I not been through enough? I’m still tired from the last go-round! Do I need to remind you about what I went through in childhood or my heartbreak or my last Road of Trials? This is not fair! I’m a Good Girl. Why can’t you go after someone who does “bad” things?
The thing is, you end up being tested in such a way that you learn a hell of a lot along that helps you live and love better in the future or to even cope with whatever the future holds.
Everyone goes through life’s tests, no one is exempt.
Also, to be fair, if we want to stop sitting the same ‘ole tests, we mustn’t be hard-headed and keep insisting that our way is the “right” way or “only” way, especially when we’re not getting the results that we want.
I’ve been through a series of experiences, particularly over the past couple of years but overall for about four years (pretty much ever since I made what felt like a Not That Big of a Deal Decision But Really It Is about who would walk me down the aisle) that cracked me open in a different way. In some respects, it feels as if I’ve battled with some flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West! I felt tired for a while and, weirdly, it energised some of my work. But it started to get on top of me emotionally.
Many moons ago, Little Nat (2-3 years old) thought that she wasn’t loved or loveable. She had to be strong, clever, pleasing, and the responsible one at all times and at all costs. She was always alone in a way because she didn’t dare say how she really felt.
For a long while, though, those feelings went away. Big Nat felt like she was cracking life. However, a series of what felt like unrelated things happened and on one of those times, it must have been as if, on a subconscious level, Little Nat stood beside me in the room and went, “Ha! I TOLD you! I knew this was going to happen!”.
So I leaned even more into self-care and increasing my self-awareness. For instance, understanding why I would take my mother and mother-in-law’s behaviour so much to heart. I wanted to know I could pull myself back, utilising my own tools and what I share here through Baggage Reclaim as well as allowing myself to be nurtured and supported.
It hasn’t been easy, although it has definitely had some uplifting parts to it. I have cried a lot over the last year or so, but I’ve needed to. I’ve needed to go through this and no doubt it will fuel the next phase of the BR journey. In fact, my self-work played a big role in the 30-Day projects and talks that I’ve been doing.
Nothing bad is going to happen—quite the opposite—but I need some time to implement the changes I need to make so that I can show up in the way that reflects where I’m at and where I’m headed but also so that self-care remains at the heart of all that I do.
If you’re on a course, or subscribed to anything from me, or due to see me soon, you will still hear from me plus the likes of Facebook and Instagram will still be updated, it’s just a little pause on the blog posts and podcast.
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