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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m delving into what has fast become one of my favourite topics–being discerning. In order for us to become more of who we really are, to become available for the relationships and opportunities that we want, and to yes, clear some of the baggage from the past that we’re carrying around, we have to exercise good judgment and that means reducing distractions and being discerning by becoming more mindful about what we say yes to.
>> How getting distracted at, for example, work, by people who ask us, “Got a minute?” or “Can I pick your brain?’ is like when we date people who we know are not suitable for us or who we’re not even interested in.
>> Why, yes, we often know that we need to reduce distractions in order to focus but that deep down we may be afraid of focusing because we’re afraid of committing, and basically of putting our stake in the sand and saying, This is who I am, this is what I’m about, and this is what I want/need.
>> How we’re secretly afraid of our purpose and potential–scared of being seen. We might have secret fears like… What if I’m great? What if it’s hard? What if I screw up? What if I discover something about myself? What if I discover that everything I’ve been telling myself is not true?
>> Why our uncomfortable comfort zone seems to be the safer option because we know it, we think that we’ve got the pain thing figured out and that it couldn’t get much worse, and we’d basically take this over the great unknown where there’s plenty of uncertainty…but also our freedom.
>> How I noticed this pattern amongst everyone I’ve encountered that’s struggling with relationships or some other form of painful problem and it’s that they’re avoiding something and have a or even a few outstanding big decisions.
>> The two questions I explore with clients that give a great deal of insight into what the distraction is a cover for: What was going on in the weeks and months proceeding this situation? It’s often a loss but it can also be the potential of something good. Do you have any outstanding big decisions to be made? Often there’s delay showing up around, for example, a move they need to make logistically or at work, whether to have a family, or even just whether they’re actually going to quit the unavailable relationship track and get on to the committed, mutually fulfilling track.
>> Why unavailable relationships are really just another form of procrastination
>> How commitment is not about knowing all the steps and ins and outs between where you are now and where you want to go–it’s about taking a step, however imperfect it might be, and taking more steps.
>> How we are inadvertently uncommitting ourselves with our distractions and choices.
Links mentioned
>> Episode 96 about my social media diet
>> We’ve got to stop procrastinating in unavailable relationships
>> My Break The Cycle course is open for enrollment
Next stop
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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I like the insight about how not being discerning can impact our lives, often in ways we don’t see. For example, I often find myself wasting time and energy engaging in pointless dramas that actually detract from energy and time i could be spending on people who matter to me.
I also think the point about procrastination is huge. Procrastination is a much deeper issue than people usually think – it can cost us so much. We procrastinate on everything from our health, to spending time with our kids, to doing what we need to be doing to reach our goals. Our self-esteem, our quality of life, our relationships, and even our survival can be on the line.
When Nat was basically talking about time management at one point, I remembered something I read a long time ago in Covey’s “Seven Habits of Successful People.” It was a four section quadrant for breaking down how we spend our time in terms of whether it’s urgent and important, important but not urgent, urgent but not important, and neither urgent or important.
Most of us spend a lot of time putting out fires that are urgent and important – and then start doing things that are either not urgent and not important – or urgent to someone else but not really important to us (like getting involved in a coworkers drama for two hours when you could be working on your presentation). Instead, we should really spend more time doing things that are not urgent (yet), but are actually very important. Things like doing our homework! Or exercising, quitting smoking, visiting people we love that we haven’t seen in a while, seeing a therapist if we need to, starting to chip away at whatever it is we want to do – whether it’s writing a book or painting, etc.
Instead, you know what we do? We surf the web and watch old movies on Netflix (at least I do!), things that are neither urgent or important. We waste our most precious resource – our time – dating people we know are wrong for us.
It’s like we basically think we are going to live forever or something.
Thanks for the reminder, Natalie. This is deep stuff.