Dating Your Imagination: The Fantasy Trap in the Early Stages of Dating

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into disappointment in the early stages of dating, specifically why we feel so disappointed by getting to know someone. I explore how we often break our own hearts by falling for a fantasy version of someone rather than the actual person or by expecting them to be a version of someone else from our past. Whether you’re replicating past relationships, including projecting parental expectations onto dates or painting a picture in your mind that they can’t live up to, I’ll help you recognize where your disappointment really comes from so you can stay grounded in reality, which is where the real love, care, trust, and respect actually exists.

IN THIS EPISODE…

• The disappointment we experience in early dating often stems from the gap between fantasy and reality. Many of us build elaborate mental pictures of who someone is after minimal interaction, then feel crushed when the real person doesn’t match our imagined version – essentially breaking our own hearts rather than being let down by the other person.
• We tend to approach dating in one of two ways: either building our understanding of someone brick by brick based on actual interactions, or constructing a complete fantasy person first, then having to painfully dismantle this image as reality contradicts it. Recognising which pattern you follow is crucial to changing it.
• Dating disappointment often occurs because we’re subconsciously seeking to replicate past relationships or heal old wounds. Whether trying to recreate a ‘benchmark’ relationship with an ex, seeking a parental replacement, or catering to an unrealistic composite, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment when the new person can’t fulfill these hidden agendas.
• We can detect fantasy-building in dating when we feel upset or wrong-footed by actually getting to know them. e.g. hobbies, interests, tastes, their background, job, etc. These reactions signal we had already decided who this person was supposed to be rather than remaining open to discovering who they actually are.
• Breaking the cycle of dating disappointment requires honest self-reflection about our intentions and patterns. By asking “Who was I expecting this person to be?” when we feel disappointed, we can uncover our underlying assumptions and hidden agendas, allowing us to stay present with the actual person rather than dating our imagination or our past.

LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

• Relationship Fundamentals classes: Readying for Love | Overcoming Dating Anxiety | The Compatibility Factor | Could This Be It? | Know Where You Stand | Co-Piloting Your Relationship
• Don’t try to get romantic partners to step in as parental replacements. It will only lead to pain.
• Frasier season 3, episode 10 (“It’s Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won’t Leave”) and season 5. episode 9 (“Perspectives on Christmas”)
• Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesn’t Exist
• Ep. 149: Let’s Talk About Emotional Needs
• Some Parents Couldn’t Be Who We Needed, and We Need to Forgive Ourselves
• Ep. 189: Let’s Talk About Chemistry
• Ep. 160: Interest Is A Hypothesis
• Ep. 188: The Landmarks of Healthy Relationships
• Ep. 109: The Four Qualities
• Ep. 123: The 5 Stages of Relationships
• Ep. 209: The Compatibility Factor
• Intensity Isn’t The Same As Intimacy
• Ep. 284: Shifting Our Understanding of Attachment
• Ep.137: The Lean Period
• Ep. 145: Stage 0-1 of Relationships & The Recruiter Mindset
• Ep. 201: Who were you ‘getting to know’ over those texts?
• Getting to know others involves acknowledging their consistent patterns
• Getting to Know Romantic Partners Doesn’t Have to Be Taken So Personally
• Why Dating Is a Discovery Phase To Work Out If You Want a Relationship (With Them)

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