When we’re doing or tolerating something that isn’t a reflection of who we really are, we often mistakenly believe that it must be because it’s what we want. It’s why, for example, so many people remain in unfulfilling relationships with commitment resistant, emotionally unavailable partners. They resign themselves to the situation because it’s seen as proof positive that they either don’t want it or that they will not get it. What they didn’t do was to begin with the end in mind.
Putting up with or doing something that’s at odds with our needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions reflects a lack of clarity and commitment on our side that we’re possibly unaware of.
It’s not unusual to focus on being a good person, to work hard, to try to be as loving, understanding, accommodating as possible. We assume that being and doing these things will influence and control receiving the desired outcome. This leads to us inadvertently blocking our own success.
If we’re over-investing in someone and a situation that lacks love, care, trust and respect, no matter how much we do, no matter how much we suffer, it will not yield the relationship we want.
We might think we’ve begun with the end in mind, but we don’t if we’re misappropriating our energies. We’re not going to feel the way we truly want to feel. How we’re living will block our own growth and intimacy.
If the woodcutter chops logs every day and wants to up their production levels, do they work more hours or do they get a better chopping implement?
We don’t have to try harder, suffer even more or even give up altogether if how we’ve been going about getting what we want hasn’t yielded the desired results. It’s nothing to do with us not being ‘good enough’ and everything to do with being mistaken in what we think it takes to create, forge and sustain mutually fulfilling loving relationships.
If we mistakenly believe that love conquers all and that we can, in essence, hitch our wagon to anyone and that with enough effort, the rest will take care of itself, and we then keep repeating this mentality in our efforts, we’re essentially walking into the same relationship pothole again and again, and again.
We have to figure out what we want (where we want to go) and how we want to feel. We can then point us in the right direction and also steer ourselves away from anything or anyone that isn’t in alignment with that.
The second habit in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is: begin with the end in mind.
No, that doesn’t mean you should start a relationship with a breakup forecasted. What it means is that you need to get clear on what you want. You need to decide where you’re aiming.
If you want to be in a serious relationship, that’s mutually fulfilling, you need to commit to your cause. If you don’t, what you do when you date and proceed to relationships won’t have a purpose.
So many people tell me they want a committed relationship with love, care, trust and respect. They want to be themselves. So, what are many of these people doing?
These are just a few examples.
Because it’s a commitment.
If we don’t admit that we need/want something, we don’t have to be vulnerable. We don’t have to expose ourselves to disappointment.
Dating and relationships are an experiment. They put all our ideas, beliefs and assumptions about who we are, what we need and how we think relationships work to the test. Staying in our uncomfortable comfort zone hurts, but we figure it can’t get much worse (until it does).
We don’t have to challenge the misunderstandings, judgements and, yes, very painful and negative beliefs we’re carrying around.
We’re also prone to distraction and often have a ‘some crumbs is better than no crumbs mentality’, so even though we’re in an incompatible relationship where our emotional needs aren’t being met, we’ll stay. We gratify the temporary and so we’ll lap up the attention, affection, acknowledgement, sex or whatever it is. Then we kid ourselves that we’re getting the best of both worlds while sacrificing our emotional needs and true desires. In avoiding disappointment, we end up experiencing even more of it.
Very often though, we feel as if we have made a commitment to what we want. What we’re unaware of though is the unconscious intentions and fears that scupper our efforts.
If we want commitment in a loving relationship but secretly fear we’re unworthy, that we’re going to be trapped [like a parent], that we’ll lose ourselves, our career or something else that spells too many sacrifices, or that we’re going to wind up with or like one or both of our parents, we’ll cater to the fear, not what we want.
Beginning with the end in mind isn’t a guarantee of what you want (especially if you’re controlling a ‘plan’). It’s guaranteed though, that you won’t get what you want if you don’t define it. Without living a life that’s conducive to that end or consciously directing you there, you can’t even get close.
If you’re treating and regarding yourself with love, care, trust and respect, what you say yes and no to is very different from that of someone who doesn’t know, like and trust themselves.
How will you know if you’re fulfilled if you don’t know where you want to end up? If you’ve never drawn a line in the sand or put some definition behind who you are and where you want to go (your core values):
Many of us struggle with feeling time-poor, overwhelmed and, yes, super busy. Without clarity about our priorities and healthy boundaries, things that don’t matter a great deal overshadow them.
This is good. Now you know what to address. Now you know what to be mindful of.
Acknowledging where you’ve paid attention to these fears wakes you up to the realisation that catering to them isn’t leading you anywhere but pain.
It is often quite scary to commit to what you want, but, in truth, not anywhere near as scary as not even trying. You have to take a leap of faith. Commitment means you have to decide without knowing exactly how you’ll get there or when things are going to happen. You commit without knowing exactly how things will turn out. It’s taking a step, any step, however imperfect it might be, and continue trying to move in that direction.
Your thoughts?
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Oooh! I am the first one!!
Great post, I totally agree with this and just bought a copy of Steven Covey’s “7 Habits” over the holidays. Very wise man, thank you for using this as a foundation for developing healthy self love and self care when it comes to choosing good relationships.
Being intentional in our behavior and life choices is very empowering.
Never blame urself for him cheating. He has a mind of his own. If things are not going smoothly before he cheated, he should have sat down with you and discuss it. They cheat coz they are never satisfied with just one partner. Too many temptations in this world. If the door is open for them, they’ll go for it. No matter how good you are to your spouse, they will still venture off to more. DIGITALHACK10 at GMAIL dot COM helped me hack into husband phone, WhatsApp message and Facebbok chats.
Yes Good , i noticed not everyone gets the benefit of doubt to probably re-determine if certain things really happened that you didn’t know about. Here i’m talking about the infidelity aspect of your story. Are you wondering if he/she did really cheat on you ? if you’d love to see some secret evidence; WhatsApp chats, Facebook messenger, phone texts and call logs, deleted files and texts. i know DIGITALHACK10 at GMAIL dot COM provides such reliable and reputable services. You all should try. i know how tiring the search could be
Good day! I’ve been a BR reader for along time, and this post really struck me. Thanks Nat! Here is what I struggle with: I know I need more, deserve better, and the man in my life will never change. Boundaries – I need them!
Let me give you the history on this very tiring story. I met my male best friend about 10 years ago. He was new to town and ended up working with my female best friend. We can have 1 of each right?:) Well he and I ended up getting close and really enjoying spending time with each other. Out of the blue he tells me that he has a horrible relationship and he’s not happy. She travels for work and is never around. I was floored. We kept it at friendship status but always flirted . Never slept together. I found that I craved his comediac texts to me, and I felt like he really enjoyed me. He had surgery about 3 years ago and immediately after that things changed. B4 surgery he confessed he loved me and he was worried he was going to die. We were very close to sleeping with each other but did not. A month went by and he had distanced himself from me completely. I knew we couldn’t keep acting this way but I was hurt that he would push me away and act like we hadn’t shared stories, feelings, and fun times. I was depressed and up until about 7 months ago just confused by him. He moved away for work but still comes here for family. Texts are very rare … hardly at all and so I got used to that. I actually felt a bit of relief. I setup my boundaries and felt rebuilt. I lost weight, went to the gym and guys were noticing me. I had this glow! 2 weeks ago he texted me from his families house saying he was in town and wanted to know if we could have dinner and catch up. I picked him up and he had already had some drinks. We ate pizza and had a drink at my place. This man has always been secretive and guarded because of his troubling past. Abuse, ptsd, social anxiety… he’s hurt. I’ve always listened to him and helped him through many things. When he is sober he will share a few things but when he drinks, he tells me allllll. This was my chance to really call him out and move forward in my life. I asked him a lot of things and got responses. Honest ones. He also mentioned things that were carbon copies of troubles and worries he had talked about previously while sober. At this point, I believe him. In my mind I just kept thinking – he’s a narcissist. He wanted to see you and you said yes. If the roles were reversed he never would have answered your text. He held me close and talked for a few hours, kissed me and told me he loved me. He said he has loved me since he met me and if he disappears and doesn’t text that’s allll on him. Not to read into it. Well guess what.. i heard from him the next morning apologizing for being so tired and sappy with me and that I was amazing and we would have to meet up again soon. Insert laugh here. I laugh because I have texted him a few times and he won’t answer. He hides . This is Love ? Seriously? This isn’t even a good friendship anymore. What am I getting from it? I have started to redraw the line in front of me with permanent marker this time. No more games, I want to move forward. He can love me all he wants but he has a horrible way of showing it by disappearing so easily because it’s alllll about him. And that sucks. He mentioned giving me his alternate cell number he has — what’s that the booty call phone? It amazes me how much he finally showed his true self when he wanted to. Hope he likes my new look because it’s headed out the door to meet a man that can give me what I want !
Sia-
I need your positivity!
He sounds like a total douche. I ran into a situation kind of like yours but it was very short lived. Everything was all on his terms. If I wanted to talk …radio silence…but if he wanted to talk..I was right there to lap it up. I feel sick at how desperate I must have looked. We hung out twice before he actually asked me out on a date (this was after he ghosted me twice as well for a couple weeks in between lol) I was so excited for the idea of nice dinner. Imagine my surprise when dinner turned out to be a double date with two of his friends…and to top things off..he was high as a kite!!!! I should have left right then and there….I should have known that he was EU and unable to make a real connection. It hurts realizing I was just a booty call. Easy bait…when he dropped me off he jokingly said “I’ll talk to you in a couple of weeks” and guess what!! That was the truth! Radio silence once again lol! Me being the nice girl I am with no backbone of course sent him a sweet message saying that I understood he was on a different path in his life right now and that I would basically be waiting for him when he was “ready”. UGH! too bad there’s not a rewind button in life because I’d surely take that back!!
The worst part is…why is there a part of me that still wants him? Even though he is a drug using low life EU jerk??? I’m 99% sure it’s just my own ego talking ..upset that he doesn’t “want me”. I just want to earn his love so bad..I’m sad because I wanted someone to love me..to be interested in me..guess I need to focus on self love first..
Even though I don’t practice what I preach I just want you to know that you deserve so much more than that. Easier said than done, but I’d cut him off. You will find a love that is a million times greater and look back on him and just laugh at how pathetic he was. We’ve got these guys on pedestals high in the sky and it’s time to realize what Nat says..”they’re just not that special”…..
We got this! xx
Hi FindingPeace!! Thanks for your reply. It’s always amazing to hear that this happens with a lot of other men elsewhere. I’m glad we can find strong women to lean on :)) I understand every darn word you said. I used to get very sad thinking about how he would radio silence me – he actually used that term when we first met. Now he just goes silent and we don’t share any sort of random jokes or quick texts anymore. I figured after he moved that he had chosen another path, and I was ready for that split in my world. Things weren’t great with us anyways and I needed that time away from him. But as you mentioned, guys tend to pop up right as you are over them. They have radar I think. I’ve texted this guy over the years some ridiculously obnoxious things basically allowing him to treat me as his fallback girl with no consequences. That’s on me. When I started to push back from that and really see that I deserved better and was happier when he wasn’t around , that’s when he suddenly showed up. My walls got knocked down but I was still very much on guard. Do I think if I text him knowing when he is in town that he will reply and make plans to c me? Hell no. No no. Everything is on his terms. He has to be ready to c me. That’s what I am sick of. His confessions for loving me… I don’t want to hear it anymore and sadly I will never trust him. Because of him, I have begun to really watch how men interact with me after I first meet them. I try not to get a carbon copy of him because I couldn’t handle that. I have moments where I text him because I think of something funny or I do something I know he would think was great. I’m just trying to keep that friendship there- but it’s done. We can’t be friends. Time to be strong and move on and I hope you will as well. Don’t let it take over your life like it did mine. He’s not worth it!!xoxo
My God! Sia – just step away and go NC. I know from experience even his most intimate disclosures are complete BS in and only contrived to perpetuate the so-called intimacy. No more “one time at band camp” stories! Unless he has escaped from political persecution, genocide or any real world atrocity or catastrophy tell him to grow a pair and act like someone with a back-bone.
Natalie , I got to this fantastic page 1 week ago when I was browsing on “how to survive a break up when you were not even together”. I have your book “Mr Unavailable and Fall back girl” in my ears every night so it would prevent me from over analyzing and second guessing myself entire night. I have done so many of the misstakes that you describe in your posts. Today on my way home I met my neighbor and he asked me about “my living in boyfriend” since he hasnt seen him …I told him we broke it off, but we were not really in a relationship, we were friends ..and I realized while I said how bad it sounded. ..then I stopped myself and said–we ..we had an on and off relationship but now its really off , No contact off. Somehow in all the sadness I also felt comfort because I was not crazy… it was not only me believing/fantasizing that it was a relationship- someone else saw it too. Oh I just want to cry!
It started 2 years ago, I rescued him from a horrible boss. I didnt even find Mr Unavailble attractive, he was full of himself but there was something. He became my friend fast, He gave me attention, a lot of it….he would text me hourly (not daily). After 3 months of me and Mr Unavailble knowing eachother he broke of his long-distance relationship that lasted only few months and started showing me interest. I was deprived from love, attention, care after being single for 1 year after a failed 5 y relationship and I fell for this guy. He started staying at my place within a month of our first sexual relationship. I have no clue how this happened but I thought it was a good idea for him to stay with me since I wanted to see him all the time anyway….
Perhaps my warning lights should have gone off here, especially when he wanted us to be a secret from family and friends, he would lie to his friends that he is working late, when he was staying at my place…
One night while I was asleep, he went through my phone. I woke up to a hell show, where he accused me of cheating because I had a message exchange with a male friend whom I told about Mr Unavailble and how he has a huge ego and that worries me…..I felt so guilty (but I was not cheating). Mr Unavilble moved out while I was broken down and felt like shit. The guilt would eat me up! I didnt reflect that it was wrong that someone has been into my phone..I just missed him so much and I appologized…He came back telling me he loves me but with rules: I have to remove my x from my facebook and male friends that I am close to because he is jelous. I had to throw all my pictures or gifts from any guy..and he moved back. And rewarded me with his attention and sex….
Living with him became quite a task. He was a flat mate of high maintenace.. Always his needs first….I was cleaning, cooking, paying bills, laundry, shopping, not making noise when he wanted to sleep (which was all the time when he came home and had dinner)…He got upset for everything and hated conflict. And I adapted…once when I came home from boxing he would treat me with silnce because I didnt pair up with him. I decided to do less boxing….I adapted to walk on toes in my own home to not upset Mr Unavailable. Soon he stopped sleeping with me, using tired as an excuse ….We would barely kiss or hug…but he was still living at my place on his rules. I wanted love and a relationship again…but for a whole 6 months that we had been together-nothing happened. I asked why…his response was ” there will never be anything between us ever but I am ok with being your friend” …I felt rejected..I felt horrible. and as your post say ” I overcompensated
“overinvested in someone and a situation that lacks love, care, trust and respect, no matter how much we do, no matter how much we suffer, it’s not going to yield the relationship we want”
I did all that. for a whole freaking year! I tried to look attractive, be super nice…he would wake up 6 am in the morning to drive some girl at work to airport..while I had to take a cab because he needed to go to gym….we would go out for dinner and I had fixed my hair and I thought I looked nice and he would flirt with the waitress in front of me. He told me I was too bossy, too old (im 35 y) and that he finds younger woman that wear dresses more attractive. I locked myself in the bathroom that evening and didnt come out for 30 min, I sat there and cried and cried. My confidence was so low by this time that I hit bottom. I believed what he said ….it took me 1 more month after that to say, this is enough I cant take more…that was when I came home to my flat after 3 weeks away and a 14h flight that he had kept like his private dump hole!
I was to tired to argue, when he showed up. He walked in saying “boy is hungry” without greeting me. Next day I asked him to move out….he texted me that he has been telling me that he doesnt want a relationship with me and that I must be angry because I still want him, and that it is perhaps good for me to heal a bit…but that he can still be my friend. I finally found my voice and I threw out his stuff….
I am so embarassed and hurt. My friends view me as a high achiever that is smart, confident and pretty. Girls joined my boxing gym because they met me, and felt confident for the first time in long. But I was broken by this little asshole friend! And now Im learning to bring myself back up again. Its so much hard work. But I am not crazy! Thank you for this page Natalie. Its a star leading me in the dark.
Wow he sounds terrible!! I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. I’m glad you got the courage to throw his things out and kick him to the curb. He doesn’t deserve someone like you at all! Sometimes when I find myself down about the stupid EU I just remind myself how bad it must suck to live their life. Like…how unfulfilling and …sad…they are the ones missing out. His head is too far up his a** to realize that though…so I’d say good riddance!
Keep your head up!
Aww. Sorry to hear this horrible story.
How old was he?
Don’t blame yourself for other people’s behavior.
@ Tanase Adu thank you for the support! He was 30 y (5 years younger to me) with huge plans for the future and supposedly a grown up man that referred to himself as “boy”. I am owning my mistakes, as Natalie wrote, I have to take responsibility for myself in all of this. I wish that I had been stronger and cut it off after 1 month..or at least after he broke into my privacy.
I wish that I could find a post about how to build yourself up after an event like this, how do you trust your self again-intuition/feeling when it has lead you to a wrong place before.
Friends_4ever, please don’t beat yourself up for this! We’re a similar age and I wasted many more years than you did on cretins like him. The up-side is that you saw what this loser was about and you pushed the eject button before he had time to do more damage.
It’s astounding how something as simple as wanting love and affection can create an open door for a$$holes like this. They prey on our weaknesses and exploit them until they find a new victim. In future, when you’re getting to know a guy and they say or do something that evokes similar emotions/feelings from past experiences – you flush him out immediately – no questions asked! That’s your instincts kicking-in and they should never be ignored.
Please don’t take this badly, but I would really suggest a course of therapy to help you move forward. You may or may not realise it, but there are underlying issues at play here that make you feel almost desperate for some
attention / love / affection (you disregarded several red flags at the start and admit your need to be loved following a year of being single (and presumably lonely). Until you tackle your demons head-on, you’ll end up in this space time and time again.
I wish you all the best x
This is so spot on for me today it’s eerie. I have been in bed sad all day over a nonexistent relationship I had with an emotionally unavailable guy who had addiction problems, mental illness and not to mention 12 years younger than me. I just found out last night that he is back with his ex by seeing them together. I knew all this about him but chose to participate anyway because I “liked” him. When you say “by avoiding disappointment you end up with more of it”, it’s like you wrote that just for me. My life has been a string of unhappiness from unfulfilling relationships. I’m now 40 and really just feel like giving it all up but reading this today has given me just the slightest glimmer of hope that I may actually still be able to change things so thank you.
No disrespect, but at age 40 what on earth were you expecting from a 28 year old emotionally unavailable man with addiction and mental health issues? I’m 33 and I’d most definitely swerve a dude like that, so just curious as to what appeal he held for you? I know of guys my own age who purposely target older women when they want someone to mother them, besides other things. Surely you must’ve known that whatever was going on between the both of you was only temporary?
I would swerve any man with past or current addiction problems, including a workaholic. Included in that are men with mental health problems because my ex husband became a total head banger with mental health problems and I never want to go there again. My home is mine and I have no intention of marrying or living with a man again as then I can get out of any situation with a man I am not happy about. My age range is 6-7 years up or down. Young men just want to do the pump and then dump or it is about money the same as it is with women hooking up with men old enough to be their fathers. I wouldn’t even date or continue to date a man my age (50+) if I found out he had banged a 20 something girl as that screams total perverted dysfunction and also being EU. Why? The man who chases young flesh is shallow, excluding women his own age simply because of their age, wanting a young trophy based on arm appeal and unlikely to commit, sowing his wild oats. He hasn’t got relationship boundaries and is only half in there for FWB because he knows that there isn’t a future with the young woman and he has to spend to keep her. All of those are major red flags. Still the young women are taking out of the dating pool men who would be kicked to the kerb pretty quickly by women of his age. I say better to be alone than making do.
Feisty- I’m glad you commented because it’s perfect timing. The man that has been in and out of my life is older and in his 50’s with mental issues . None of which he has control over , yet I doubt he has seen anyone for them. I’ve noticed over the years that he has gotten worse, and stuck in his own head with issues. I think a lot of the reason why he can not communicate with me is because he is so lost in his own head with his issues. He drinks a lot and tends to shut down and ignore everyone. He hates admitting he has social anxiety issues. I dunno- I guess I tend to want to help him but he is older, and because of that he gets embarrassed when he can’t perform like a younger man. At this point I need to figure out if he’s worth my time anymore…
I plan on trying to have him over for dinner when he’s back in town but doubt he will even answer my text unless it’s in his terms . I loathe that.
You may to want to hear this but if you value your sanity then my strong advice is get out now, don’t look back and don’t go back thinking the leopard will change it’s spots. I am now seeing a psychologist because of what my ex did and an event subsequent to that which was health related and opened up Pandora’s box. My coping skills were there but not good ones and this is what I am working on. Men like this will suck you dry and if he can’t get it up, it will eat away at your self esteem. You are not a rescue service and deserve a quality relationship not this man. Hope this helps and good luck.
@Fiesty- I think your remarks were spot on. I have spent the morning literally talking out loud telling myself why he has vanished (he showed another weak side and is embarrassed, he is afraid to fall even more for me and has to stay away, he’s a coward in regards to setting boundaries and talking so he chooses to just ignore issues)… unless he’s drunk. None of this really screams “this guy is HOT!!” . I know he was being blunt and honest when he was here last, and it was nice to hear things from him that made me feel good, but that was just a quick pick me up. I can’t wait 7 months to hear from him… how is that a normal friendship? How can he not assume he’s hurting me by ghosting? I’ve had a large coffee so I’m stewing in this haha his excuses with his mental issues always tend to make me feel sorry and forgive . The social anxiety and ptsd along with abuse which he endured are all very real. If he feels that he has upset someone he gets extremely upset and wants to do right. I’ve never seen that between us though. Never. I’m just a constant in his world. It’s drained me mentally. He has not been there for me when I needed him the most. He hides because he can’t handle it. A couple of years after I met him I was in a situation where two men had me in an apartment (I semi knew one) and they tried to drug me. They were taking photos with flash bulbs trying to blind me and confuse me. I was able to send out an SOS text and I sent it to him because he lived about 5 minutes away. Yeah you guessed it .. no response. I was able to wiggle out of that situation and I was fine thank goodness but my family has never forgiven him for not helping that day. He doesn’t even remember it. I only brought it up once. Interesting how he has reiterated how he would never do anything to hurt me and just wants me happy. Silence is hurtful. If he is ashamed of his lack of being able to perform the last time we saw eachother you would think he would want to see me again and make it up to me. Silence. Oh well…
You come first. The fact he didn’t help you when you were in danger was your get out of jail card. Jail is where you are at the moment rehashing things about with him. You need to move on with help if you can’t do it yourself. These men are toxic and have no concept of the damage they cause by their actions. You also need to re-inforce your boundaries. if more women did this then these men would know they had to behave better with women but they know that there will always be another woman ready to fall for the one time in band camp tale. You are not this man’s therapist yet have set yourself up as this. Please get out and stay out.
I am listening … I feel so robbed by him. How dare he just come and go. Does he even know he does this? Why would he do it? If he’s just not wanting to text just say something don’t leave me hanging. I’m just so irritated that one day he can say he loves me and the next he won’t answer .. for weeks.
Suggest you text him and tell him on no uncertain terms not to contact you again ever. Nothing else is needed and please stop the rehashing express and nothing will come of it. I never even knew why my marriage ended and sometimes we just have to kiss ass and move on. If you don’t he will win and bring you down to his level. They aren’t worth a penny and men like that sadly are two a penny. Every man I’ve closed out with has respected me for it because you are telling them you are worth more. In some cases that makes you more attractive but it is all about the chase and game on to them. He will never give you what you are worth or need. You also need to work on boundaries for the future and if there was a large age gap between you that should have been a red flag from the start. Ask yourself why would a man much older be interested in a younger woman. The answer is because they know young flesh is more gullible, easier to manipulate and control. They get their ego stroked big time, are most likely players and have young totty on their arm. Anything that is based on looks and being young is a red flag because it lacks integrity and is shallow. The trade in age is 30 for the woman. Whilst the man thinks he is the bees knees, the reality is that he just looks a pathetic middle aged fool most likely very insecure, chasing young skirt with no respect for himself either. The power dynamic is with the older man always in an age disparate hook up. That is with it is mostly with men in their 50s. Women who are their peers can suss them out quickly and won’t put up with the mind games and pratting about or a casual hook up type “relationship” i.e. FWB on their terms.
@Feisty brilliant. Everything you said makes sense. He’s in his early 50’s and since I have known him he has had a wandering eye for younger woman. He claims I am his best friend and I’ve always been there for him. Well yes I have but when was he there for me? Right now there is some medical issues within my family and he loves my family. Do you think he has responded to a text regarding it? Nope. He has retreated into his cave so he won’t have to deal with it. He can’t. So knowing he will be near my town this week will anger me more and sadden me but I refuse to chase. What’s the point. He’s a joke – I hope he has blocked me because I’m about to block his number. I’m sure he will find me and try to have an excuse but I don’t have the time or effort. Boundaries .. I’m patching them up and feel strong and confident!!!:)
I first came to the BR website many years ago (aged 28) as I was bewildered as to why no matter what I said or did, I’d always end up in these dead-end, bum situationships with EUM or narcissistic men who had no interest in my happiness or well-being (despite them vehemently claiming the opposite). I desperately wanted to be married and/or pregnant by age 30 (no idea why I set myself this ridiculous deadline) but for me it was pretty much life or death. I stumbled through my 20s dating any guy that showed me some interest or held some appeal – hoping that if I showed them what a relationship with me would be like, they’d miraculously transform from a turd into a handsome Prince.
One failed situationship after failed situationship led to severe bouts of depression, anxiety and general feelings of failure and hopelessness. As I watched all my peers successfully maintaining relationships, entering marriage and starting families, I couldn’t help but wonder “why not me?” I did all the same things that they did in life, tried to be a good person and do good things but all I had to show for it was a list of former lovers (can’t really call em exes – we never progressed that far!) as long as my left leg and very low self-esteem. It wasn’t until I started therapy early in 2017 that I learned that I had come from an abusive home as a child consisting of a deeply narcissistic, over-critical mother and a emotionally unavailable, distant yet explosive step-father. Apparently, I was the victim of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) which I’d never heard of before but is a legitimate thing. I won’t go into too much detail about it, but I no longer speak to either of my parents any more as a result of the treatment I received as a kid and their inability to acknowledge/apologise for their behaviour.
Fast forward to today, and I truly feel like I’ve come full circle! Through regular therapy and dealing with my underlying parental issues, I have become a confident, happy, relaxed woman who is effective at protecting boundaries and ignoring the inner voices that were instilled by my darling mother. I’m now more in-tune with my instincts (which is essential for dating these days) and I am committed to ensuring my own well-being and happiness at all times (if the vibe/energy is off, I don’t want it!). Consequently, the f**kboys I used to entertain regularly, no longer stand a chance. Their cheap talk, love bombing, flaky behaviour, inability to commit to a time/date, inability to acknowledge/apologise for anything, gas-lighting, late / no replies to texts etc, etc, etc – are no longer my concern! I had to let that crap go for my own sanity! It wasn’t serving me in any way but to reinforce the negative ideas about myself planted by my mother. I had to have an honest chat with myself about my own desires too. I didn’t want to grow old alone and childless. I didn’t want to have these half-relationships with men who clearly weren’t ready or willing to commit. I didn’t want to die without knowing what honest-to-goodness, healthy love feels like. I needed professional help to help me understand why I was sabotaging my own happiness this way.
Once I had learned to love myself and stopped comparing my journey to everyone else’s, I became a lot calmer, grateful and began to appreciate my life. My age 30 deadline came and passed, and nothing terrible happened because I wasn’t settled or pregnant. In fact, I felt relieved! I wasn’t in any fit state at age 30 to be in a successful/healthy relationship with any man or raise kids to be happy, secure and loved. I would’ve perpetuated my mother’s ideas of being loving, which would’ve been tragic for all involved.
The best part of my journey? I get to celebrate my 34th birthday in two weeks surrounded by friends and family who love, honor and respect me. I get to celebrate my birthday for the first time in years NOT feeling like a failure or like my life isn’t worth celebrating because I haven’t reached certain milestones. I get to celebrate my birthday with the sweetest, kindest, thoughtful, most caring man by my side – a man I wouldn’t have looked at twice at as little as 2-3 years ago because he didn’t hold obvious appeal or meet my never-ending list of criteria (which was all BS anyways). He’s 15 years my senior, divorced with 2 kids living overseas and not a typical alpha male – the complete opposite of what I believed I deserved in life, but he accepts me for all my issues and chooses to love me regardless. I get to celebrate MY LIFE unapologetically because I finally realise that I am someone who is worthy of being loved exactly as I am.
This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing 🙂
LondonLupie,
Thank you for sharing. I needed this hope to hold on to today. We have many similarities…including the CEN (I hadn’t heard of it either!) and the mother-traits. I’m broken over a “situationship” that just blew up, and your post gives me hope. Thank you, thank you…
I’m sorry to hear that Ground Up, but I know given some time, you’ll be fine again. That’s always how it goes. Please don’t succumb to the idea of getting in touch with this person again. I think a dignified silence says so much more than when we resort to endless texts, phone calls or begging (yes, I’ve been there many times myself because the prospect of admitting to myself and others that I had another failed ‘relationship’ was worse than being on my own).
Yeah, the CEN things was a serious game-changer for me. But once I started to do the research it all started to make perfect sense to me. A lot of people like to say, “but you’re an adult now, how long are you gonna blame your parents for your poor choices?” – but they don’t get it so I chose to ignore them. A broken parent inevitably ends up raising broken children – which is exactly what happens when you’re raised by a narcissistic mother. I’d recommend getting some therapy to help you navigate your situation with your mum, but if that’s not feasible, these two books are incredibly helpful:
Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Personally, once I’d started dealing with my unhealthy relationship with my mother, everything else started to improve.
Good luck! x
im currently in a relationship with a guy i met 6 months ago. he showed an interest in me and i accepted tho i felt a guy like shud hav looked at the other hotter ladies. i was flattered by the attention but careful. now in between, ive never realy been sure i have this guy. i get mixed signals like intensity when we are together and almost zero contact when apart(we live 3 hours apart) sometimes i even forget i have a boyfriend as try to call or text so often as well. ive nevr realy communicated my tots to him on this, ive only complaind bout the low calls. i dnt want to come off as a nag or al too needy and overly dependent this early! i dont even know what to do. please i need advice on this one! ladies r kind of hangn al ova as they see him as potential husband buh im d one he is in a relationship with though we r not public yet! i dont want to waste my time and emotion as i am holding back! should i have a talk with him or ?? thanks!
What is there to talk about? He isn’t interested in you when you aren’t around, he probably has another GF, and he’s keeping you a secret. I would skip the talk, end the “relationship” and go no contact.
This guy is using you for sex and attention. Talking is not going to change anything. It will only keep you stuck longer as you wait around for him to change based on your “talk.” Talking is an excuse a lot of us use to avoid taking any real action. I’ve made that mistake myself. Don’t talk. Just leave.
I agree with Stephanie. My constant battle has been with this guy not communicating unless he wants to hook up and he’s usually tipsy. I thought back a few minutes ago, and it took him forever to come over finally just to pick up a gift I had for him. Nothing is about me , it’s all about him. If he happens to visit the area and wants to see me, he may text or he may hide out so no one knows he is around. He threw that word “Love” around with me but damn this is a weird way to show it by ignoring texts and not wanting to really take care of me by treating me to a fancy meal. It’s awful. Do not get into this sort of situation. Listen to Stephanie , and get out now! The man won’t change trust me. You will always have trust issues with him as well and that’s not fun. That isn’t the way a relationship should be. Now I’ll go find some ice cream and down that knowing that the guy I speak of is most likely in town today and hasn’t texted me. But, I’m better than that, and I deserve much more !!!
Dear Natalie,
You don’t know me, but I am a young woman with a history of depression, anxiety and romantic obsession. I’ve been following you since 2015. Things have improved a lot for me over the past few years. I’m not in a perfect place but I’m in a good place. Today I am sending THANK YOU notes to all the women who helped me get to where I am and you, my friend, are among them! You’re actually the first I am writing to 🙂
Thank you SO much. Your work is much appreciated and saves lives.
Love,
Esther
How do you stop wanting contact from a man that you know is never going to be with you. I am never successful at sustaining no contact. Why do I still crave attention from him? See him at work everyday.
@Red earth hi! You have a perfectly valid question. Most of these men are like a drug. I’m sure a lot of these wonderful woman on here who offer advice have felt like this. I am one of them.
I’m going to be honest and admit that I am not perfect and have fallen off of the no contact wagon a lot. What I have learned is that I am happier when I do not hear from the narcissistic , self absorbed, manipulative man “friend”. He has told me how he loves me and that we can do FWB but it’s only on his terms. The issues with all of this is that he physically is the man I always dreamnt of. Attraction is wild, and the secrecy of being with him is fun. The part that is hurtful and eats away at me (or did) was the silence from him. I was told early on that he’s a different kind of guy and he flakes out and doesn’t reply to texts for weeks. He also doesn’t live near me. He finds it tough to see me because of his strong feelings for me which he really shouldn’t have. I’m his drug of choice. He’s in a cruddy failing relationship (not married), and is going to be ending it but whose to say he will end up with me. I don’t trust him, and I sadly can say I didn’t fall for his baggage he brings. There were times I would catch myself waiting for that text to come through because it made my day. Once all of that newness wore off, he didn’t feel he had to chase my anymore. He didn’t have to prove anything and he knows that I “just get him”. Well that got old quick. He’s a lousy friend – we were best friends for manyyyyy years. I’m actually pushing away from him more and more and don’t blame myself for his selfish ways.
Do yourself a favor and when you get that urge to text him- don’t. Text someone else or go for a jog… anything. My last text to this hurtful man was regarding a time we could meet up so I could share some bad news about a close friend of ours. I felt I should tell him in person – he’s a sensitive guy and I did feel this was necessary. Well he never responded so I guess he truly didn’t care. Or he has blocked me. Either way it shows really how hot and cold these guys are and nothing in life should be this hard. Friendships with men and woman and relationships should be easier than staring at a phone waiting… it’s not worth the stress.
I guarantee as well depending on what kind of situation u have that he will ghost u and suddenly text to see if u are still talking to him. I would put money on it. Good luck.. come back often for support.
I have found some strength and solace reading BR, however lately all I seem to see are people relaying stories of horrible experiences they’ve had in past relationships rather than focusing on how they are going to move forward into the type of loving, caring, trustful and respectful relationships hat Natalie describes. Frankly I am now finding it all a bit depressing, as if there is almost an expectation that relationships are going to be awful. Perhaps instead of dwelling on the past and competing about ‘who had the worst, most emotionally unavailable, most juvenile man, let’s loom to the future with positivity. I have read the books and they have been helpful, and I get hat people fill less alone when they share, but if these relationship horror stories continue to be the norm, I will be giving BR a wide berth in the future.
Hello,
I have been reading BR for many years. I started reading it when I was in the depths of a severely toxic relationship and felt like I was losing my mind and myself. BR helped me to put into words the feelings I was having and also allowed me to step out of my ‘shituation’ to see with clarity that I was not the only one experiencing these things but the ‘game’ was old, tired, textbook and not special to me. Now nearly 2 years out, I look back at the decades I spent being in and out of ‘a never was relationshit’ and have picked myself up, dusted myself off and moved forward, vowing not to survive but to thrive in a wondrous life I create. All this is now possible because I have and continue to do my work, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
I have never commented before but felt moved to do so. I tend to agree somewhat with YingYang’s comment about rehashing the details of toxic relationships. What strikes me with so many of the stories is, the “he, he, he.” What he did or didn’t do or what he gave or wouldn’t give. Been in that space all too often and it left me feeling diminished and victimized among other things. When I started to use ‘I’, well that meant the focus was squarely on the person I could take full responsibility for – ME. And things begun to shift.
I had to change the narrative to ‘I waited for him to text/call/show up or I allowed him back in my life/bed after being treated like garbage by cheating/disappearing or I accepted the lies once again and due to my fears and low self worth stayed in the relationship or I didn’t tell him how I felt because I didn’t want to rock the boat and risk being alone, etc. I had to look at what I was doing, not doing or allowing at the expense of me and it wasn’t pretty, comfortable or easy.
I was never going to change another being, that has their own free will to do and be, but I could examine, work on and ultimately change myself. I realized that keeping the focus on the stuff he did or didn’t do kept the focus off of me and helped me to feel more comfortable about the choices I was making to not take care of myself and blame ‘him’ for my unhappiness.
One of my ‘ahha’ moments occurred when I realized how much credence I gave to labels. Mama, daddy, friend, soul mate, twin flame, job, etc. I gave more weight to the label, then the actual positive energy the thing/person gave me…So he was my soul mate and we had a past life together — He’s the one, I gotta make it work, no mater what! No matter, how many times he lied, cheated, didn’t care about my needs, wants or desires – I was still in it. He’s so hurt, emotionally/physically/mentally and that’s why he does what he does and no one understands him like me. Excuse me a threw up a little in my mouth. Ugh!
He may be my soul-mate, yada-yada but not everyone that shows up in my life deserves to have a place in my life, that is something that is earned. Having a place in my life is a gift that is not given away to anyone who just shows up breathing and says hello or I love you, or shows me the LEAST bit or interest or kindness. What’s more important to me now is how people consistently show up and demonstrate through their actions, how they feel about me. Just because he is my boyfriend, soul-mate, twin flame, etc. maybe he is here to teach me a lesson about me (self love/worth) and move on. But I kept trying to keep him in my life and never learned the lesson. Thus painfully repeating the drama over and over again.
I haven’t picked up the phone, text or emailed because when the feeling comes over me, I stop and remind myself of the reality of what was and not the FANTASY of what I wanted him or the relationshit to be. And then it gets real easy to say, ‘NO I will not do that to myself again,’ and keep it moving. When I feel lonely, I remind myself of how alone I felt in the shituation with him and we were engaged and lived together and take a deep breath and keep it moving.
And after taking my deep breath, I examine what is the real motive behind my wanting to reconnect or entertain fantasy thoughts about him and usually it is fear, loneliness or resistance to changing myself and I take another deep breath, feel it, acknowledge my truth and allow it to move thru me and then I can go off and do my work on me. Funny thing is once I acknowledge what is really going on, the need to do those self destructive things such as thinking about or reconnecting with him dissipates.
I’ll leave you with this…last year after several months of no-contact, I was found out he was engaged. For a split second, I felt some type of way and THEN the most hysterical laughter erupted from my being. Even now when I think about it, I have to laugh. I thought to myself ‘and your still a bum’ but, I also felt compassion for her because even though she finally got the ring (probably the same one he gave me – yeah he’s a bum) I know what’s in store for her and even though she might think she’s won, all I could think was RUN, GIRL, RUN! SAVE YOURSELF (but that is her journey). That’s when I knew the work was worth it and the healing had begun…
Much love, light and blessings to you all.
May you walk in your truth and light, always…
Queen you couldn’t have said it any better! You touched upon every single thing that I have experienced including the mental aspect of it. These men suck the life out of you with the way they pop in and out of your life when THEY want. Mine assumed he could because he admitted that he loved me from the moment he saw me – really? That makes everything better? He’s a cheater, narcissist, and someone who loves playing the game. Like you, I want to tell any female who comes in contact with him to RUN but that’s not my job. I’ve had therapy, I’ve lost friends over him, I’ve had medical issues… but I have also found myself again. Boundaries were broken and I allowed him to keep coming back and breaking them down with his sweet talk. He’s trying to currently wiggle his way back in because I have something he wants (he left some things at my place). He could easily get them at his local store but it’s an excuse to see me but on his terms. HIS. This man would say we were best friends and I believed it until I noticed how my other guy friends never made me work hard for a friendship. It’s all work with him. So, anyone who stops in here and asks themselves “why do I let him go and take him back? Why?!?”… it’s because you are afraid of losing what’s familiar and you hope for change. It’s not going to happen. Just ignore his texts .. u all deserve better! Xoxo
Hello! I needed to hear your story, I to was blaming him, but I allowed him to treat me disrespectful. We show people how to treat us, I had to change.
Hoping this thread isn’t kind of dead, this:
What I’ve learnt in these rather perilous (Internet) dating times is something some may have heard before in a different context: Begin with the end in mind=don’t be unequally yoked to a person or situation.
– Meaning, if your goal is a monogamous, exclusive relationship, don’t go for attached guys or even guys who are dating/f*cking multiples — or even have that in their histories. Men are very rarely truly single when you meet them. . .because very few want a monogamous, *emotionally satisfying* relationship. The farthest many of them get is a sexed up “girlfriend” — easily replaced by the next female willing to settle for a mostly physical situation with very little emotional content/input/output. I myself look for serial monogamists — but that can be a ringer for dysfunction too, if the man is actually a commitment phobe who HIMSELF can’t extract from a bad relationship — some guys like that actually end up being EU because they can’t tell the truth about what’s going on with them and cannot be alone.
– Meaning, don’t be the one who carries the balance of emotional health. Don’t make excuses for a lack of emotional health yours OR his (he has it tough, he’s busy, we live far from each other) for him not pulling his weight emotionally (and especially not for lying, cheating, ghosting, etc.)
– Meaning, if he’s doing a push-pull thing and you’re steady and present and prefer that — rollllll bounce! Get out, no contact, don’t suffer fools so gladly.
– Meaning, start fresh, each person, each opportunity — I think growth is a steady progression of mutual willingness — not these fits and starts, not this confusion/need to clarify another person’s actions other than one’s self, not chasing after ghosts and/or settling for dissatisfaction just to “have something.”
Those are my toplevel, key learnings from oh, a lifetime of absolute bs — some of which was/is of my own doing because I didn’t learn from what the past was trying to teach me about my upbringing and how that played out in bad relationships with all kinds of people, not just men.
@ohigetitnow — hi! I like how you spelled it all out. You are right about these men who find you and claim they aren’t happy with a Gf and they want YOU. Well guess what.. they want you, her, that other girl they talked to at the check out line… from my experience they claim you are the world and tell you all but you can’t trust them. When you start to push away from them and forget them, they will find you because they are scared of not having you in their back pocket. It’s all about fishing and seeing who is on the line depending on what they are in the mood for.
Hi all. How do you deal with a FWB situation where the guy has known you for years, and has leaned on you like a girlfriend for a lot (he’s thrown love around I won’t). It’s a shady situation because we just barely decided on the FWB but the real issue is that he has a lot of narcissistic tendicies. He drops off the radar for weeks at a time. He ignores texts that are important at times. When he finally does pop back up, it’s like the world just kind of went on without him and he doesn’t care. Insert the narcissist part here. I asked him once when we were at a bar why he disappears and all he could say was “it’s not you it’s me. It’s because of my issues.” Just wondering if any other woman have had boyfriends like this that tend to disappear and get very moody. He has some childhood trauma he links to anxiety and he pushes people away a lot (but yet he says I’m the only one who really cares and knows all about him). I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m working very hard at the moment to not text him. I try to text with funny things or just random conversation when he vanishes looking for signs of life but he won’t reply. So I disappear, patch myself up and wham o! He shows up. Seriously not fun . I don’t know what the draw is and doubt I can change or fix him… advice ?
The real issue is that you agreed to an arrangement you don’t really want. You have been talked into being his FWB, but you are expecting him to act like a boyfriend. He is acting exactly the way a FWB should be expected to act. People chose FWB because they don’t want to deal with the expectations and obligations of a relationship. They don’t want to have to respond to texts, spend time with you, listen to you, etc. Either they aren’t interested in a relationship or they aren’t interested in a relationship with you. End the arrangement and go no contact. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier once you get over the habit of texting and looking for his attention. Focus on YOU. Take care of YOU.
@stephanie – you really hit the nail on the head. I’ve always felt he doesn’t give me enough time. I crave his time because when we are together we have so much fun and laugh – like a couple would. We can’t be a couple and I need to get this through my thick skull. Part of me feels like I have been the “GF” because of how I have helped him so much, and gone out of my way for him. But wait – what has he done for me? He can’t give me what I want. I had bad news for him that I texted him and said I wanted to discuss in person. He avoided that completely. He won’t reply , he has disappeared. I finally just was Blount and told him in a text what the bad news was and still no word. I don’t know why I thought he would suddenly jump into crisis mode and be there for me. Sadly he is not. So I don’t know if I am more upset with him or myself at this point. If I hadn’t told him the news he would be devastated and upset down the road. This man is so narcissistic it’s hurts me… so I am going to go no contact and that’s like coming down off of a drug. Thank u Stephanie .. any advice appreciated.
You have so much fun when you are together because he avoids you when he is having “issues” and because you don’t talk about what you want and how you feel–you pretend to be someone you’re not. If you spent more time together you would have to deal with his moodiness and selfishness and he with your resentment.
My advice would be to get your favorite take-out and spend some time reading the archives here at BR. Natalie is both insightful and compassionate and she understands the ins and outs of EU relationships. Two things will become apparent: you are not alone and this relationship is not going to work out.
Go no contact and put all the energy you are giving this guy to better use. Start taking care of yourself. Take some time to understand why this man and this relationship appealed to you. Make it about you instead of about him.
How many times have I proclaimed, he’s a hurt lost soul, shy, damaged (narcissist, cheater, liar, EU or whatever label that applies), but I just don’t understand how he doesn’t see, feel, understand, know that what he is doing is hurting me!
Been there, done that – trying to understand why he was not treating me with the love, respect and understanding that I gave to him. All while making plenty of excuses for his behaviors and giving him lots of allowances. Excuses and allowances I never received from him unless it worked in his favor and he was getting something out of it, like sex or the benefits of being in a relationship without him having to commit or show up for me consistently and in any meaningful way. When I stopped participating in the drama, then a funny thing happened – it all fell apart. When I stopped doing and caring about him more than I did myself and stopped talking, explaining, arguing, pleading and trying to understand and fix it and just woke up to reality, it was startling. I got real honest with myself, I was so invested in my fantasy of him and the relationshit, that when I stepped into the reality of what was really happening, it was pathetic. There was no relationship, there was me struggling to make it into a relationship. Who I wanted/deluded myself into believing he was, was not who he really was. Nor did the magical/special/friendship/loving relationship/connection ever really exist. I desperately strung together fleeting moments and made them into a relationship and was going to hold onto that fantasy with every fiber of my being.
The cravings, the need/love for him, were just my very well masked issues of fear, brokenness and abandonment issues, screaming out to be worked on and healed. It was way easier to be in a unfulfilling roller coaster ride of a relationshit, full of more lows than highs than to work on myself. The adrenaline rush from the drama was what I called a love. It was easier to focus on him, expending all to much energy getting him to love me, understand me, treat me right – than to focus on how I wasn’t loving and valuing myself, i.e, how utterly empty/damaged I felt inside. No dear GOD, I ain’t gonna touch that with a ten foot pole, so I will just latch onto Mr. Poison and pretend that he is not going to hurt/damage me.
Would I wonder why a scorpion would sting/poison me, when I got too close? Or would I say, hey that’s a scorpion and it’s going to do what scorpions do, so I need to get far away from it. I wouldn’t try to reason with a scorpion, or try to show the scorpion what a wonderful and lovely person I am and convince it to love me and not to sting and poison me to death. I wouldn’t try to understand why the scorpion is going to kill me – I would just stay clear/choose to protect myself from getting harmed. Yet, I went out of my way to understand him, love him and put his needs before my own.
It is like throwing my love, energy, time into a black hole and getting really pissed that it never fills up and is a destructive force of nature. I curse the black hole for destroying and devouring everything in it’s path, including me. Now I see that perhaps he was really reflecting the black hole inside of me. As I acknowledge and work through my own black hole of issues, the hole is closing up and my terminal attraction to toxic, hurtful relationships lessens.
Much love, light and blessings to you all.
May you walk in your truth and light, always…
Queen I sat here reading what you wrote and it was AMAZING. It’s everything I have been through and felt. Other readers need to print this out and read it when they feel hurt by the narcassist EU.
Mine actually was a Scorpio which was a double whammy if you follow horoscopes. The rollercoaster ride I took was for years, and it drained my self esteem and inner light. After getting to my lowest point I turned the corner and changed the way I saw him. I started working out and focusing on ME more. He saw I was improving and it turned him on but I wouldn’t let him near me. That tortured him. After everything he had put me through it made me feel wonderful. He still tries to wiggle his way into my life by saying he needs to explain himself or he was “silent for a month because of … blah blah blah”. No man you ignored me and ghosted me when I needed you because you are incapable of feeling emphathy and real love. I thought he was the one when I met him, and I’m healing and trying to meet someone else but I’ll always be very cautious now. No one will ever understand how tough it is to move on from these men and the power they hold over you with the charm and sex. It’s something I cherished and figured he felt the same but he didn’t care at all.
I never confronted him and called him out on his narcissistic ways. It wouldn’t have done any good at all so I sent him a final text saying I hope he figured out what was hurting him in life and that I couldn’t fix him. I literally couldn’t handle the silence and that rollercoaster anymore. His loss. But it’s also his nightmare because he chose not to get help years ago for his childhood trauma which caused a lot of this. I wish him well as I move forward healing a day at a time. 🙂
I only found BC today, but oh the truth in it all. My shituation (love this term!) is with a guy I’ve known for a few years who always hold over my head that I chose to date someone other than him (met 2 guys on an online dating site at the same time and chose the other – he was also a huge mistake). I finally started hanging out with him about 6 months ago. In that 6 months, it has been the most confusing non-relationship I have ever experienced. He will only answer “maybe” or “I don’t know” to any question regarding us. We have never had sex and he says “I am broken”. I believe he enjoys my company but that is as far as it goes. He never has anything supportive to say to me but loves to go on and on about his previous conquests, no matter that I’ve asked him not to. I’m not even sure why I continue to see him when he adds nothing to my life. He will sleep with me, but fully clothed and on top of the blankets and exits the bed while I am in the shower. There is no physical affection to speak of . He calls me only when he is driving and doesn’t answer if I call him. I dream of dumping him daily, but feel guilty that maybe there is something in him that he can’t help that causes him to be this way. I realized today that I have ALLOWED all of this into my otherwise normal life because “He wanted to date me”. I realized I am not driving the car anymore…………He will never change, which means I have to cut him out of my life and make room for someone who will value me and treat me as I deserve.
@Stephanie – everything you have said is nothing new to me. I’ve told myself I have to go NC so many times, and when I disappear he shows up again. He’s like a drug. I think my struggle with him at the moment is how he can be so selfish and now recognize that I’m going through something where I need his shoulder to lean on. I guess it’s a one way street. This is a man who got very close to my family and thinks highly of my father and brother. He even cried once thinking he had upset my father after some sort of gathering we had. With everything I have been through with him, and the rollercoaster of emotions , I am tired. It’s been a “relationship” but it hasn’t. The selfish disappearance acts he pulls are so wrong and I never speak up and say anything. When I see him I get lost in the moment because I hardly ever see him. Bottom line from what I am reading here, he’s EU and I deserve more. Thinking about him and all of the fun we could have has to stop. I cannot believe this guy considers us best friends after doing all of this. Does he even see it ? Time to focus on ME. Thank u Stephanie . U seem like you have been there done that.. I hope you are well!
MassJumper,
Yes, I have been there and done that. I came to BR because of a relationship where I spent more time thinking about the relationship than I did living it. I found keeping a feelings journal to be very helpful during the first few months of no contact. The journal forced me to focus on my own thoughts and feelings instead of him. It also gave me an outlet for my obsessive thoughts and emotions. I could jot something down instead of sending that text.
The journal also made it apparent that most of my feelings around him were negative. I did miss him, but, despite my compulsive desire to text, most of my thoughts revolved around anger and hurt feelings. Over time those feelings began to subside because he wasn’t around to keep giving fresh fuel to my resentment.
I also felt he was like a drug. The only way to quit was to stop making excuses and go cold turkey. Best of luck to you.
I’m curious I am in a position like this as well. This male friend and I crossed the line and he’s disappeared and doesn’t answer texts which hurts alooooot. We have been friends for years. Stephanie do you suggest calling him out on this and saying how upset I am? I’ve personally only felt the best way to talk to someone is in person because you know they are listening. I hate texting sometimes haha . I just didn’t know if it would be a waste of breathe calling him out on this.
Kimmie,
Before doing anything, ask yourself what you really want. What do you hope to accomplish by talking to him or telling him off? If you are hoping for some sort of positive outcome such as an honest discussion about what happened and what it means for your friendship, you will need to take a gentler approach.
If you just want to tell him what a loser he is, I would suggest you not bother. When we fantasize about telling someone off, we think about all the clever things we might say and how stupid they will look and feel after encountering our righteous wrath. Reality doesn’t usually go that way. He may laugh at you, call you crazy or otherwise tell you off in turn. Some people are good at managing confrontation. I think you would have already called him if you were one of those people.
Either he’s very embarrassed about what happened or he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore or both. If you try to call you may only encounter more rejection. You are the only one who knows if you can accept that. Only contact him if you are willing to hear his version of the truth.
Hi Stephanie thank u for your insight. I know he was embarrassed by some things that happened – let’s say he was tired and nervous. His words. He apologized a lot and in my head I keep thinking … “don’t u think u would want to make this up to me?” I’m realiing after reading this blog that he is a total narcissist which explains his child like behavior at times. It’s tiring to keep boasting his ego. When he disappears I’m used to it. He’s warned me that it’s not me and I should just learn to deal with it. I’m sorry but I just don’t have time to deal with a man child who claims to have deep feelings for me, but also is not capable of texting me back or answering a call.
This narcissistic behavior is unreal. I’m sure he has no clue nor does he care what he’s doing to me. He will show up texting when he wants to see me otherwise if it’s my idea I won’t hear a word. How ridiculous is that? He’s fun… but I don’t want to be considered just a toy to him. I’m a woman who deserves much better. I don’t think telling him how much of a u know what he is would do anything. 🙁
The man apologized–a lot (your words). What more do you want? What, exactly, should he do to make it up to you? (These are rhetorical questions)
Ignoring texts is not a symptom of narcissism. A lot of people have friends, even good friends, whom they don’t text with all the time. I think the real issue here is that your expectations are out of line with the relationship. I don’t mean to be unkind, Kimmie. If someone makes it clear they are unwilling to match your level of effort you have to respect that. You have different styles and it is unfair–and unrealistic–to expect him to change to suit your needs. This is especially true since it sounds like you’ve already talked about this.
You aren’t wrong for feeling hurt or angry over being ignored. At some point though, you have to give it up and accept that he isn’t going to reciprocate. You may chose to reevaluate if you want to remain friends, but you shouldn’t blame someone for not wanting to be your text-buddy.
@Stephanie – I want to thank you for being so blunt. You actually made me step back and really think about what our situation was. I’m expecting more from him when he’s showing me all he has to give, and things won’t ever change. His lack of texting is something that he does a lot and pops back up again, and I just have to realize that’s the way it is. When we first met I thought he was “the one” but he ended up having a lot of skeletons in his closet so we just stayed friends. Well, crossing that line has made it a little unusual. I figured I could help him with those Skeltons – nope. Never. Time to look out for me and not grab the phone and text him like I used to.
@Stephanie – wise .. very wise. I have been asking myself why I’m so afraid to not text him. Text him normal things or check on him… I’m afraid he won’t be there. It’s such a messed up situation because he’s not really there now. Does that make sense? He’s made me feel so comfortable in my skin, and he’s made me laugh when no one else could – but he’s also abandoned me when I needed him stating he has his “own issues”.
Your idea of journaling isn’t a bad idea at all and I have changed my lock screen to a positive saying which will make me think twice about texting him. Everyday I have texted this man in hopes that we would go back to our usual banter but things have changed. I can’t wait around for him to change. Time for me to fade out and find myself and truly take care of myself. Suffering over a man who has no clue of what he’s doing is just sad. It’s not fun..
I’m going to be strong and not text him. I got this!:) thank u Stephanie ….
I only found BC today, but oh the truth in it all. My shituation (love this term!) is with a guy I’ve known for a few years who always hold over my head that I chose to date someone other than him (met 2 guys on an online dating site at the same time and chose the other – he was also a huge mistake). I finally started hanging out with him about 6 months ago. In that 6 months, it has been the most confusing non-relationship I have ever experienced. He will only answer “maybe” or “I don’t know” to any question regarding us. We have never had sex and he says “I am broken”. I believe he enjoys my company but that is as far as it goes. He never has anything supportive to say to me but loves to go on and on about his previous conquests, no matter that I’ve asked him not to. I’m not even sure why I continue to see him when he adds nothing to my life. He will sleep with me, but fully clothed and on top of the blankets and exits the bed while I am in the shower. There is no physical affection to speak of . He calls me only when he is driving and doesn’t answer if I call him. I dream of dumping him daily, but feel guilty that maybe there is something in him that he can’t help that causes him to be this way. I realized today that I have ALLOWED all of this into my otherwise normal life because “He wanted to date me”. I realized I am not driving the car anymore…………He will never change, which means I have to cut him out of my life and make room for someone who will value me and treat me as I deserve.
I’m a huge fan, but my perspective is that I am very rarely attracted to someone. So if the present offers chances to go out and be active, I am challenging myself to say yes. Doing this kind of casual dating does not necessarily indicate lack of commitment, but facing reality. There is not necessarily a decent available person you have a connection with who you are just “not trying hard enough” to find. You may find mutual love, you may die in a plane crash tomorrow. I don’t like “holy land” thinking.
I think one of the worst things to go through with these men is when they ignore you. They can be your best friend for years (as is my case and a lot of others). He’s not perfect and he has issues that I’m fully aware of but when he goes from 0-narcassist he disappears. Sometimes weeks at a time. I’ve known this but yet I still crave soending time with him and have always been very empathetic. I’ve said things that I figured annoyed him to the point of just deleting me and he always pops up again.
He’s in a relationship that is ending soon from my calculations – it’s just been one that he’s held onto because of the house and kids. His love is for me because of everything we have shared as best friends. Some things he has never even told his GF. Heck she doesn’t even know he’s on twitter or Facebook. I think part of me wants to continue that empathetic role and be with him and satisfy that craving for love from someone who knows me so well — but the other part is throwing huge red flags and saying no!! Stop!! If this man can’t even give a courtesy text answering a question , I need to stop wasting time. He knows I’m always there even if he ignores me and that has to change. I need to find a way to start weening myself away from him. Does any of this sound familiar ?