If you sit in a position for long enough, it hurts. In fact, as humans, if we’re not experiencing enough growth and change in our lives, just like our bodies, our lives become more than a little stiff and achy. It then becomes like sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable chair and knowing you can get up, but continuing to sit there in the hope of something or someone else coming along to relieve your ache.
You may feel like you don’t have the option of getting up, even though you do. You might shift around a little and basically only get uncomfortable within a few centimetres radius, possibly providing a bit of relief. Eventually, you either figure out that you have to make the change and get the hell up. Or you sit there with sores and aches, complaining about how much you dislike sitting there but never actually truly doing anything about it.
People who make and stick to decisions, will do the equivalent of stretching themselves in a 50-mile radius. People who struggle with decisions, try to do it in a one mile (or even less) radius and then give up because it feels too uncomfortable, often while talking and acting like they made a greater stretch.
If being in an uncomfortable comfort zone is familiar to you and you struggle with creating, forging and sustaining healthy, intimate relationships, it’s because you try to get love in your comfort zone, even though this means that you’re likely to wind up in an unhealthy relationship that will only add to your discomfort.
They tick your familiarity boxes because they cater to your beliefs as well as your fears. These familiar but uncomfortable relationships signal a misguided opportunity to right the wrongs of your past or to go for bust and be the exception to the rule. It’s basically relationship insanity; carrying the same beliefs, baggage and behaviours while choosing similar people and situations, and then expecting different results. And then wondering why it hasn’t worked out.
It then keeps coming back like Michael Myers in Halloween because you keep reacting to your fear of the unknown. You then do things that keep you in the familiar uncomfortable, which of course continue to make you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, your fears tell you that the discomfort you’re experiencing is less than the discomfort of the unknown you fear. And round and round you go.
In uncomfortable comfort zones, you can convince yourself that you’re less than what you are; that the world is against you; that it’s better this way; that at least you’re not X or at least you have Y, or that you’re trying more than you actually are. It gives you permission to be right and say, “Ha! I knew there was no point in making a decision because there are no decent people to date anyway / the last chance saloon has gone / I’m not good enough / I’ll only eff it up and I’m better off sticking with what I know or even the devil I know”, and other such guff. But you have to remember that it may be a ‘comfort zone’, but it represents all of the discomforts that sell you short.
Your thoughts?
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Well, this is like The Justifying Zone!
This kind of thinking is what kept me in a marriage for 19 years when I knew at THREE MONTHS that something wasn’t right. But because I was one of those “must see things from everyone’s side, must be open, accepting…” I stuck it out. The discomfort was daily and yet it became the norm. The emotional abuse, while in some weird way I COULD see it, became the norm. When I left, and there was no more daily drama, THAT was almost uncomfortable!
These days, it’s all about me needing to move to a new place in order to refresh my soul. I don’t like where I am, I haven’t for several years. I COULD stay with the discomfort of being moderately unhappy with my social life and my job in order to maintain the comfort of my family, many of whom will be upset with my wanting to leave the area. I have wanted to do this for at least three years, but have justified staying for the happiness others. But facing the fear of telling my loved ones I am leaving will only be short term. Being in a place I want to be will be long term.
Wow Tracey, that sounds near identical to my own situation except i was only with the devil that i knew for 18yrs.! Gave me shivers along with comfort that i’m not so alone.. I too have just moved to a new area away from my family where i know nobody, as i have wanted to do for a few years.. Now trying to get a rental in a beautiful place where my soul can heal and refresh from all pain its suffered..
Congratulation on surviving and moving on..!
Hugs, Freedom and Much love to you xx
Shondell
I recently spent a night in tears due to my disappointment with Mr Unavailable. I realized I always end up in tears when it comes to him.
So why do I keep going back? The pain is comfortable. It’s sad and makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t get it, but your post explains it well. The discomfort is comfortable.
I’m in therapy working on changing that. Reading you is also helping.
it all comes down to believing we are worth more that what we settle for.
I love your last sentence. I am going to post it on my mirror so I see it every morning when I am getting ready for the day. Thank you so much!!
Christine, You sound like me a year ago. Now, I wish I had left on my own last Spring instead of waiting for him to change. He didn’t change, he moved on to someone else BEFORE breaking up with me. In the meantime it was constant confusion and sadness when I wasn’t getting crumbs from him.
Keep working on yourself!! That’s what I’m doing now.
So why do I keep going back? The pain is comfortable. It’s sad and makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t get it, but your post explains it well. The discomfort is comfortable.
I have to say I have a lot of problems accepting a statement like this. Comfortable? For me, at least, although it was familiar (what another one of these guys) it was thinking ‘I can just go out into oncoming traffic with protective gear and not get run down’. Comfortable – no, thinking I could outsmart the situation – yes.
Thanks ladies for your reply and support here.
As for tired_of_assanova, I understand why you have a hard time accepting my statement – but it’s my truth. Disappointment is all I know. Not seeking a pity party, but that’s just the truth and I take full responsibility for my choices. I am comfortable in chaos, because anything else, is foreign to me. I am working on it though.
xo
One thing that I’m determined to do is stop selling myself short by remaining in my uncomfortable but comfort zone of self doubt. I’ve decided to take the plunge and believe that I am good enough as I am and just because some a*** hole disappeared after filling my head with grand promises and illusions that I’m not good enough to find someone that can give me love and respect. I’ve put myself through too much emotionally and it’s got me nowhere. It’s as if I sort of enjoyed being miserable even though I didn’t want to be. Feeling sorry and beating yourself up is so unhealthy and does nothing to repair your self esteem. Sometimes it can’t be helped when you have a bad experience (especially if it involves a disappearing AC) but at some point the madness has to stop.
Natalie – It was great to meet you on Tuesday evening. It was a good ending to quite a stressful day (at work). Thanks for your advice and inspiration.
I am at peace with ending my 16 year marriage. I am just uncomfortable with the type of men that are trying to date me. It has been 3 years and I feel myself becoming closed off.
Carolyn… I am not sure of your age but I am 52 and dating can be a challenge on many levels. I am no where near wanting to date..Its been 9 mths since my break-up and I have no desire to step in that arena…
Anyway, if u are not comfortable with the men that want to date u just say NO sorry I am not ready to date.. Eventually, someone will come along that u are interested in.. They always do , just know that with the knowledge you will gain from Nat u will spot the AC’s right away and abort mission… Go gently on yourself, in time it will all fall into place. Have faith & pray about it 🙂 Journal about it, whatever works for you….
@KitKat, amen – I am (a young) 52 as well! 😉 There are definitely some unique characters in this age pool. Because of the extra drama and complexity that seems to be involved, since my last breakup in March I’ve not been interested in meeting another guy, as I need to get some things done in my work life, etc., as a priority first. I know it will happen, but I know I really need to have my wits about me and have extra time on my hands – twice bitten, a third time a fool! You’re right – have faith, pray, journal and read Baggage Reclaim and the comments of the wise women herein.
@Carolyn, I bet you’ll open again when ready. It takes awhile to heal. I thought my first experience was an anomaly, with a nice but disappearing, blowing-hot-and-cold, confusing man. Repeat again, with another guy with even more bizarre behavior…..nah, I need to be in the right state of mind to put energy into this again. Cannot be too willing to trust as I have been, which has been my downfall – too bad, isn’t it.
Well I am 44 and been through all that weird cr@p too, and honestly I realize, no matter my age – I never dealt with the rejection I had long ago, and thanks to that, it all led up to me being a doormat.. Age is only a number as they say, to rid of certain pains and beliefs would give me a life I never had possible in my 20’s, and 30’s, most of those years were spent alone or in waiting too, I have been doing the lady in waiting sh*t since I was 17 years old no kidding.
Bizarre is the word… Is it really “like attracts like”? Would anyone like to comment on this particular connection?
What do you mean exactly P ?
We are all here because we have been messed around by a bloke.
Support groups are full of like minded people.
We are friends with people who who seem to get who we are.
So,I suppose ” like attracts like”
What do you think ?
Tanzanite,
I am sure I was not clear… Natalie sometime wrote that EU people attract EU people, and if we are not emotionally healthy ourselves we might attract EUMs, right? So, when Broadsided wrote about some guys’ bizarre behavior it got me thinking if we were bizarre, too? Kind of a scary thought…
Hi P
There is more than a grain of truth in that statement and in my case I would say yes because I was married when I got involved with the AC. I would also add that I have never been more available in my life than I was for the AC .It’s different ends of the spectrum though.I am single and possibly in the best emotional health of my life and would probably make a good partner now,but I don’t want one just yet.That’s still emotionally unavailable but without the desire to use men for my own selfish gain.
Is there anything wrong with being emotionally unavailable ( till you get yourself together ) as long as you stay single and don’t use people ?
When you are emotionally unavailable but pretend you want a committed relationship whilst manipulating someone at the expense of their sanity, that’s when there is something wrong with it.
Opposite ends of this spectrum do attract,So I would say yes.I would also say of the two examples I have given one is authentic and one isn’t.
That’s my opinion ,for what it’s worth. x
Carolyn, I feel you! I ended a ten year marriage almost three years ago and am becoming disillusioned with the men I am meeting. I have a dinner date this Friday and it’s difficult to even get excited. I know that is the wrong attitude but it’s tiring to get your hopes up and then be deflated.
This is really encouraging. My 10 year marriage also broke up 3 years ago and I was wondering if there is something wrong with me that I haven´t been able to get involved with someone new. I guess it will just take some more healing and working on myself to really open up again, right?
In these 3 years I´ve had an intense crush on someone who was already taken, he liked the drama of having me on the side. Then, a mostly virtual relationship with an old time friend who I´ve found is all those things I never even knew existed: EU, future faking, and downright creepy (I´ve already told y´all about the guy that wanted to make out with me at a strippers club).
I allowed those situations to continue for far too long because I had the doormat attitude.
I´m finding myself more and more in pain about the ending of my marriage, especially now that my ex husband is being really nice and supportive of me and the children again. Dating is the last thing on my mind at the moment.
Lillia
I recommend Nat’s dreamer book. I’m just getting over a crush and a couple of years ago I had a virtual thing going on with a MM/returning “sweetheart”.
In my defence (though I’m not being attacked), as soon as I recognised the familiar feelings with the MM, I found a counsellor and, happily, this site. My no.1 priority was not to have sex with him (tick). I flushed him six months later (still too long but better than my track record).The excrush didn’t start out as a crush, I did genuinely like him and thought it might be mutual. Then it escalated in my mind – alarm bells! So I worked to get over it and am still working through it. The feelings diary helps – I can spot what makes it better or worse, and have written proof that I’m way better than I was two months ago. For what it’s worth, sitting at home stewing about it does not help. If you can’t bring yourself to leave the house, at least do an exercise dvd, or dance. Even looking at clothes (or whatever it is you like) on the internet is a good distraction, provided you’re not FB-ing him or suchlike.
It’s not all about being a doormat (the excrush has not done anything wrong or taken advantage. The bad-habit part of me wishes he would cos it would be a sign of interest. doh). We let it go on because it’s safe. It’s like watching horror movies, or romcoms or cartoons. A bit of drama, explore some feelings and possibilities (in a limited way) without actually having to DO very much.
I recently found out he’s fifteen years younger than me. That was the death blow. Reality – so helpful!
I haven’t given up on meeting someone else. These experiences aren’t what relationships are about. But, yeah, I do have to wait until my feelings have subsided some more. I’m not available while I’m thinking about him.
I’m making progress in that the uncomfortable comfort zone isn’t comfortable to me anymore. I fight my way out of it.
But, yeah, it’s annoying that I’m in it again! I’m thinking WHY, LORD?! I already learned this lesson!
Sigh, at least I know the drill.
“We let it go on because it’s safe. It’s like watching horror movies, or romcoms or cartoons. A bit of drama, explore some feelings and possibilities (in a limited way) without actually having to DO very much.” Amen to that. I was in a tough relationship for 6.5 years with an unhappy, controlling, suffocating man, that ended, surprisingly and tragically, when my partner died. 4 months later, I started an intense affair with a MM. Well, it felt intense, but it was largely virtual, and we had very little to do with each other in our day to day lives. Just some occasional extremely intense sex, and very romantic e-mails. I felt like this was the deepest love that I had ever experienced. When MM pulled away over the last 6 months, I was devastated, but I have learned, reading here, and reading Dreamer, that the intensity was all in my head because I have needed time to heal from my last relationship, and from the death, before I can truly be emotionally available again. The Fantasy Relationship I had *was* a dream… and this is really helping me come to terms with what I did (going along with the affair, then staying stuck in it). I’m not surprised that people who divorce, or who are widowed, stumble around with EU people for some time afterwards. Hopefully, not too long. Be kind to yourself, and look deep within yourself, and be patient with yourself. Love, me.
carolyn (so funny to type that, i’m a carolyn too)-
i know how you feel, seems like since i started dating they’ve invented new and interesting ways for men to be crazy jerks. if its any consolation, dating sucks, and every single single friend i have tells the same awful dating stories – the whole ‘gotta kiss a lotta frogs’ thing really holds true. and if you were married for 16 years, then you’re a certain minimum age, and i’m here to tell you, the dating pool in this age range is murky and full of algae.
what i can offer is (i have got to stop writing lists):
– hone your skills – read natalie’s posts on EU, AC, and amber/red alerts and learn to recognize the signs. if you see signs, just bail and next!
– work on you – heal. seriously. there is no way that you don’t have stuff to work on. just admit it and tackle it. you’ll feel better and you’ll put yourself into the world in a different way.
– switch venues – change where you’re seeking men. do something different, maybe something completely different.
– take a break – there’s no law that says you have to date.
for everybody saying its hard to meet someone to even have a decent conversation with – yes, its hard. no question.
Always astounds me Natalie how you write about the very things I am struggling and in torment over at the very moment I need to hear them. Feeling like I need a lobotomy lately to erase the memories and him.
“Feeling like I need a lobotomy lately to erase the memories and him.”
Kim, I was thinking that very thing. They are creating a pill to work with PSD, Id be willing to be a guinea pig .
In the meantime since there is no magic pill , I know the only way out is just going to take a commiment to ME , a commitment to erase the pain by taking care of me and getting out of the uncomforatble comfort zone.
Natalie, sometimes I think you can read my mind, honestly!!! Thank you so much for this wonderful post!!!
I had bad day at work today and I was not happy with my customers and colleagues and I told myself, I have to change this job, I think I deserve better, but yet again it is convenient for now even if I do not like my job…Why I am so passive??? I also embarrassed to admit, that I broke my NC with current AC. I met him couple of days ago and said to him that I DO NOT WANT COMMITMENT with him, he apparently wants, but I think it is only promises as usual and no actions to prove. YET again, I know that I am wasting my time, but yet again cannot commit to big changes – TO BE WITH HIM OR TO BE WITHOUT HIM:-( I am definitely Emotionally Unavailable Woman…Sorry for being a Drama Queen!
Natalie, your last 5 posts have reflected where I have been in my life the past several weeks.
Just this morning I was still settled into the “comfort” of being sad, small, pitiful, a “victim.” By this afternoon, I’d had an epiphany and felt myself step into my power. Why was I so upset that that little man I’d dated didn’t value me? He’s unattractive, has bad vision and a serious underbite with a lisp, very questionable morals, values and integrity..and I’M upset that he doesn’t value me, even as a friend?
I know I’m a vivacious, exciting, amazing woman who is smart, has a wonderful career, is a great friend and amazing lover. I have it all going for me and I’ve been “woe is me” over this little man who is sowing his oats because he doesn’t know who he is at 33?
NO MORE.
Coloradosky
Understandable that you should not seek validation from someone with questionable morals, values and integrity, but ‘bad vision’ and jaw that’s not to your liking?! Are these the kind of standards you’d like to be measured by?
All those things about yourself that give you confidence are great, but how good are you at relationships? I’m not saying you’re this way, but I laughed yesterday at a phrase on here, ‘relationship idiot’ (Fearless wrote it?) – because I am one. I thought I must lose my protests, even victimhood around being intelligent, funny, warm, adventurous, independent, lovely, curvy, better-than-average attractive (all true) and single. And now I know I’m not just unlucky, but lacking in dating and relationship skills. I have a fear of dating men I find unattractive but think once I get in the right place and have the right skills, I won’t have to. I want this comment to be helpful rather than make you uncomfortable, but the attitude behind your comment doesn’t seem to me like it will help with your success.
My uncomfortable comfort zone has a pattern that goes like this: I go out with a guy, drink his Kool-Aid and almost immediately think, “this is it,” discover he’s a total EUM, find that my needs are not being met, suffer in silence for awhile, complain about the situation to my friends for awhile, and then, after way too long suffering and complaining, I break it off with the guy. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
I’ve been single 10 months now, the longest boyfriend break in 20 years. I’m breaking the cycle once and for all.
Kerry,
We could be twins. I have been doing the same cycle for 20 years and finally woke up. This site has been a wonderful wake up call and I am so glad that I am not the only one who has been doing this type of behavior.
This is so right on and WHY it hurt like hell to LEAVE what was at least s for a time anyhow a “Friend” for a time like any girlfriend I had.
This TIME it was something I never had before, the others within a month they were talking marriage, the future faking to get what they wanted in the present, the all too obvious going way too fast to be REAL situations.
THIS time it was different in those ways, but then started to get all too familiar in other ways.
Anyhow.. after a time he started to ( I figured it out ) do the exact same “tricks” the others had done.. ” Using my fear of abandonment to play me like a piano” Example: If you say what I don’t want to hear- I’m going to back off from you and PUNISH you.
But little did he know.. he did it so many times, The last time was finally the straw that broke the camels back, Because I truly for once did CARE about the person, and in turn had to CARE enough to leave him then if he could not CARE about me enough to see I was NOT any piano to be played.
I knew the “Game” I had seen all before , too familiar – and I had said before exactly what you say here NAT about the familiar and fear of the unknown… Because I had told him many times I wanted to venture into that “Unknown” but he was clueless to what I meant by that I guess, He was more comfortable with ME being a piano, and I sat here for like 3 years doing that ( I forget the time span) trying to convince someone to venture into the “Unknown” with me, after all he seemed as miserable as I was in the place that we were in.
The others before him, NO I did not care for them the same since we did not even have a friendship, But the rejection they gave me brought back Daddy and the ONLY reason they made me cry..
BIO dad was married to another woman when I was conceived, came and went – I did not know him, yet knew he existed, then at 25 y.o met up with him and he could not have a *Relationship* with me because of his girlfriend?
A coward, and a snob .. I was better off, he had some tears in his eyes I could see enough guilt for that, but NOT the guts to just fess up to his mistake, to his other daughters, and to give me for ONCE more than an “Imaginary” father.
But yes.. Now I need to venture into the “Unknown” alone, and accept the friend could only ” accept” me if i was willing to be a piano to be…
Guiney pig
Brenda, I applaud you, we want to have hope they are decent.
He is a coward.
My situation is a bit different but never the less gives me huge daddy issues, seems very unfair to us. For you I’ll share my story. My parents were teenagers and married only a year. My mother through her own admissions did not love my father and bad mouthed him every chance she got . Both of my parents remarried before my 3rd birthday. From that moment I did not exist, not to my mother who married her childhood sweetheart from a prominent Jewish family who shunned me . Then my father who married a very sweet Cuban woman, and then I did not exist to him, this became a bigger issue once they had children and then he treated them so lovingly. My grandmother used to say to me in private how sorry she was “he” was like that. I’ll admit is causes me to feel inferior anytime I have to be in his presence and maybe all the time.
Anyways with my father marrying another woman and me being ignored I received a basic apathetic attitude; throw in my stepfather having me feel I was only good for one thing. The two men become the man I’ve let into my life for 14 years. In both those ways he has been allowed to play me like a piano. Had not thought about it like that. I am not a victim but am still behaving as I have no choice but to just take it. The uncomfortable comfort zone of having my buttons or keys pressed . Reliving or attempting to rewrite the past. It is time we all stop the pain. We are good enough . Brenda, you are precious and deserve to be acknowledged . I am so grateful, we are not alone, thanks Nat for BR
I dont know how I left this out
but the stepfather abused me sexually from age 8 to 15 , when he was caught, I was blamed for asking for it by my mother . I left home …that might make the rest of my statements make more sense.
A Branch and Brenda, I am so sorry about your awful experiences and I know “where you coming from”, unfortunately…That’s why it is difficult for us to build relationship with men, as we have these experiences in our childhood:-( I already mentioned before that I have issues with trust! BUT we have to stay strong and do not allow our past to affect our future. I also very grateful to Natalie and our lovely community.
Hugs xxx
Oh wow, yes I had that stepfather as well ( only maybe not as extreme in the going all the way – but the other stuff touching me where only a married man should touch you.)
He was also violent to all of us, And back then they did NOTHING the police took pictures of my face beat up, but nobody would take me away from there.
Partly why I think for a good while in my life there was this pattern of getting my heart broke by a selfish boy, then going out to get used for sex.. It was like, oh well he could not love me or want me – but abuse did, at least I was able to get used to sex when he found me so undesirable, and least others at least wanted my sex and for a while in my youth I was able to take that for an EGO stroke, no matter how unhappy it made me.
What a great pattern our past had laid out for us, seriously.
YES! This is what I’ve been fighting…geez, how far was I to accept the wallowing in BS. If my friends had come to me with this stuff I would have wanted to shake them…why is it ok for ME to stay…lol SPOT ON!!!
Its all too easy to stay put in our comfort zones, that’s why they’re called comfort zones. Change is hard and painful and scary and not easily done for most. I envy those who thrive on change, me I dread it and I realized that it is the unknown that I dreaded more than the known even though the known (being the other woman to the other woman) was hard and painful and scary. NC is still the life raft that saved me.
You know what is so funny?
I could toss myself in another country, a new job and look at that as some FUN “adventure”..
But when it comes to my own head and belief systems – to get rid of those seemed impossible, I do not think it is impossible anymore – But now that I know – it means I have to do things differently than before and wont be able to use the same old excuses either.
Whatever will I do with my time now? lol!
“People who make and stick to decisions, will do the equivalent of stretching themselves in a 50 mile radius.”
I read this as I was struggling with deciding on a new apartment in a different part of town. I realize it’s about relationships, but reading that line gave me a little boost to just decide on the one I’ve been wanting and looking at for over a year.
I left work late and there was no answer at the leasing office, but I took a chance and drove across town knowing I’d show up after hours, thinking of BR and “take a risk”. I could feel myself wanting to deflate a little and just give up and go home…but I hit the accelerator and kept going.
And as I walked up to the office, the leasing agent was coming up the walk!
The apartment I wanted was already leased, BUT…someone is moving out of another one which is downstairs like I really want and I have first dibs on it.
It was all so easy, and I feel very good about making a friggin decision already – instead of sitting around in the comfortably uncomfortable zone wondering *why* it’s so hard for me to decide.
I struggled through five years of uncomfortable comfort, waiting, and not knowing how to get out of a relationship with an unavailable lover. I was waiting, I guess, for something my friends told me would never happen. I wasted much, including years of my life. I still think of him and miss him. I keep thinking I still love this man. And I’m angry with him.
Now I’m wallowing in a different kind of uncomfortable comfort, of being alone and not doing anything about it, even with girlfriends. I’m older, live in a small community, and all of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and won’t pry themselves away from their husbands or boyfriends. It’s difficult to make friends, and I work by myself. So I’ve grown comfortable crawling in a hole and pulling the whole in after me. I know it’s not healthy, but have no choice with the work, and there are few opportunities around for single people not into the bar scene. I recognize my need to break this cycle, but it’s hard after dealing with the results breaking the AC cycle.
So once you make the decision to end a bad relationship, be careful to take care of your mental and emotional health, and recognize your need to spend time with others, to not only take your mind off the AC but to help you to move on and to brighten the outlook on your future.
Thanks Nat
I’ve given up on dating. I don’t even know if this is an uncomfortable comfort zone, or I’ve simply made a life choice. How do you even tell the difference?
And even though I’m usually pretty happy being single (and spending lots of time alone) I admit I get terribly lonely sometimes. These pangs of deep loneliness hit me – and when they do, they hit hard.
But when it comes to people, it seems I face disappointment after disappointment regardless of what I do (or don’t do). Whenever I reach out and make efforts to connect with people (whether friends or potential partners), I’m met with flakiness and/or coldness. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I don’t know what on earth to do anymore except accept things as they are; just accept that I’m a loner gal I guess and that I clearly have lots of trouble forming any kinds of relationships. I’m sorry for this whiny comment (having a bad day).
I know how you feel “I don’t even know if this is an uncomfortable comfort zone, or I’ve simply made a life choice.”
You have to very secure to deal with men, because if you are not, they are getting a ticket to trample the hell all over you and become some “Grand Prize” in your eyes when they could be the biggest dorkiest, dullest, having NOTHING in common, and worst match for you possible.
I have this too, it sometimes seems, the more I put out effort the more people push me away. Like suddenly I become from being ‘passive’ (which I’m not, just a bit loner in my livingroom) and not reaching out to too agressive and ‘wanting’ too much. People have said I want too much out of people, my standards are too high and my prinicples too strict. What’s wrong with not accepting the very things I wouldn’t do to another. It’s a very frustrating feeling when you are trying to break free out of your uncomfortable comfort zone of, well, being alone. I’m now going to live together with a friend I have not known for very long, and part (i do say part of it, because other more practical reasons are more important) of the reason is because I want to work on my people skills, and maybe find out even more what MY problems are.. Maybe not the right way? But sitting on my own in my lonely house isn’t doing much for me either.. I so long for strong connections, for being able to be myself without feeling guilty of ‘hurting’ OTHER peeple’s feelings, when mine aren’t I on the other hand feel like people overlook mine. They call me a strong woman, one who can handle anything, and certainly not a ‘softy’ when all the while I truely don’t feel that way AT ALL.
Brenders & working hard,
Is it possible that you’re reaching out to the wrong people? Maybe you’re replaying an EU pattern in some of these friendships–being drawn to the familiar of those who will not be available. If certain friends are unreliable or cold, then stop wasting your energy on them. Try to get involved in new things of interest to you, and as you’re feeling better perhaps you will attract new people into your life who are available, warm, and reliable.
Brenders, Brenda and Working Hard
I know this feeling – I’ve suffered from awful bouts of social anxiety at various points in my life – where it felt like months at a time where I’d forgotten how to talk to people.
I’m still a bit cagey about reaching out in general (leaving the house more’d probably be a good start) but since my self-esteem has improved I’ve found that my interactions have started to flow a bit more smoothly. Firstly, I think, because I’m no longer wasting a lot of energy examining myself during any conversation and worrying about what they think, which leaves more space to be interested in them. Secondly because I’m not all that bothered if they don’t repond as I’d want (their loss) and thirdly because I know I’m not going to go away and beat myself up for not always being as delightful or witty or interesting or even coherent as I’m capable of being.
Now that I don’t see every interaction as a !!!potential assessment of my entire worth!!! then it’s much much easier. I don’t know if any of this applies to any of you but most of the ‘difficulties’ that I had with interactions have disappeared.
Brenders,
Been there. I recognized that I was associating with the wrong type of people – selfish and disrespectful. I think that when you respect yourself more and place higher standards on people, then the healthy friends will come. I did not believe in myself enough and tolerated a lot of nonsense, No more! I do not have the time or patience, and if I see disrespect, I move on.
As soon as you see bad behavior, get out. Like the men, look at the pattern of who you are choosing as friends.
I can relate this one to my job situation: the negotiation I wrote about has been ongoing, and I must have handled things well enough because when the call came to discuss their first offer, which I was all pysched to be firm about, they changed their mind and offered me the better position, with more responsibilities and pay. I just got the second offer today; a good 50% higher pay than the last offer, though the responsibilities are only about 25% more. Yay for getting this far. I’m now expected to negotiate this figure upward.
As I consider taking this job, I think about moving, about leaving my friends, about taking the next step after being in this role for 5 years. It’s scary. Fortunately it’s a step I’m looking forward to. There are still the “what-ifs?”. I think, maybe I should move back to Ontario, just get a regular job and look for a nice guy to settle down with … but who is to say that would work?
I’ve been off-and-on single for almost ten years now, with one major break of the singledom when I dated the AC for a year. I do think single is my uncomfortable comfortable. I don’t know what else to do to get out of it except keep working on making my life as happy as it can be and keep my eyes open for good prospects. If I’m stuck in a zone, it’s the zone of still-unintentionally-without-a-family. If there was a decision as “easy” as getting out of a relationship, that could get you into a great one, I’d like to think I would make it!
Good luck with the job negotiations. Progress is progress, no matter in what arena. 😉
omgoodness, mags, congratulations!!!!
i think the word we’re looking for here is ‘familiar’ – the devil we know. screw that devil. break out! yaaaaay!!!
That’s fab, magnolia – how brilliant!
I am really pleased for you 🙂
I’m so happy for you Magnolia. Good for you for not accepting the lowest offer. That’s a total life lesson. You deserved better and you went to bat for yourself. That is cool. I know it’s a giant decision and it’s scary leaving your friends and your comfort zone but it sounds exciting too. You will have a job in your field! Congratulations.
“There are still the “what-ifs?”. I think, maybe I should move back to Ontario, just get a regular job and look for a nice guy to settle down with … but who is to say that would work?” Nope. What is a “regular job”? And whose to say you won’t meet somebody who will treat you with love, care, and respect while pursuing your career and new opportunities? As my daughter once asked when she wanted to go to two consecutive sleep-overs, “Mom, why can’t I have fun two nights in a row”? You can pursue your career and meet somebody. The goals are not mutually exclusive. Soooo very happy for you. You can have fun two nights in a row! Keep us posted on getting out of the comfortable and having fun two nights in a row.
This is my second round with the same EU man. The first time around he left me a broken woman. I cried from April until December of last year. He said such horrible things about my body and blamed that for the reason the relationship ended. I had lost 165 pounds that left me with the need for plastic surgery that I couldn’t afford. I just could not pull myself together and reopened that door in December. He just ended it again 2 weeks ago stating that I “pushed him” and that he needs space.
I just read Mr. Unavailable & the fallback girl and it opened my eyes.
It was the classic 4 steps that I now know about thanks to Natalie. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I proclaim that this is his owners manuel.
I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know who I am more angry at, him or me! He has destroyed my self esteme and self confidence. I met him after ending a 22 year marriage.
I know I have to get out of my comfort zone and I am trying to do so but
I feel so depressed.
I don’t know any of you but I thank God that I have you because we are
the only ones that can relate to being with an EU man!
susan-
take the claws out of yourself. ok, be mad for a while if it spurs you to additional action, but please stop blaming yourself, because your depression is your anger turned at yourself and you know what? you really don’t deserve that!
we all think we’re supposed to be omniscient, and not make mistakes, and be perfect, but we’re not! we don’t know until we KNOW, even if we always knew on some level. does that make sense? that’s why natalie and Mr.U&tFBG and BR are such a gift, because they allow us to take that knowledge, that gut feeling we had that something was wrong, and consider it objectively outside ourselves in the clear light of day. so, now you know. now it all makes sense, now it all falls into place, but don’t take that insight and use it as a stick with which to beat yourself. just be grateful for it and use it to pave the new way for yourself. but do it gently.
its ok, really, its ok. we are all fallible. you are capable of self-examination and correction, which is BRAVE. please give yourself some credit – don’t take every one of your accomplishments, the weight loss, your demand of him that he treat you right (yes, that is an accomplishment), and turn it on its head. let those be accomplishments.
and…i keep saying this…fire him from the job of being the judge of you.
hugs.
You should feel proud of your success at losing so much weight. It is NOT a small feat to undertake and your success is proof that you can live and grow and change if you are willing to keep at it! The willpower and strength is must have taken to achieve that shows you are capable of doing a lot. Simply amazing! 🙂
How wonderful to read these supporting messages, a special thanks to all of you. I have had a bad day and I needed words of encouragement now more than ever. I made such a stupid mistake,
I sent him an email last night. I just wanted to lash out because I am so angry. And as promised all it did was make me feel worse.
I went to one of many greenways here and walked off my stress, yesterday it was 4 miles, today 3. I joined a singles group through my church and we are meeting at a local amusement area Saturday.
I’ll be honest and say that I feel it is a waste of my time, perhaps
I am being negative. I am 53 and it seems men my age want women that are younger. It feels hard to find the strength to pull it off, I
must get out of my comfort zone but I wonder if it is to soon?
I have only lived in this city for 7 years now and I don’t have many
friends. That in itself is strange as I make friends where ever I go but they all have families and of course I am single.
Other than the plans for Saturday I am on my own. I think I will try to work on making Susan better. There is a lot of literature I need to read, self confidence and boundaries to build…
Hugs to you all,
Susan
Susan,
I made a ton of friends through volunteering. Not only is it rewarding, but you meet like-minded folks.
Try Meetup.com. If not Meetup, check out other clubs or groups. There is a lot of options out there, you just have to be motivated to do it.
This is soooo relevant to what I am going through its even freaky, just last night I was in tears asking God for guidance in this regard. For once the ache is not from a man but a job and I found myself complaining about my situation which only gets worse by the day and now I am like a bitter ol’ lady. Thing is I have been hoping from the same level job for about 5 years now and it has come to a point where i dread going to work,thinking about it my relationships have been the same too. I am not sure if its because I decided to stop lettiong dipshits in my life and pants that made me aware of my real feelings about my job,could it be that I am outgrowing the person that I was. Just the other day one of the assclowns called just to check up on me and while talking to him I wondered what the eff made me decide to even get to know this douch. Okay back to the issue at hand, I am very miserable at work that I feel like taking my bag and leave but I have bills to pay and a child to take care of,have been applying for other jobs but no luck what so ever. I guess breaking away from an uncomfortable crappy relationship is easier than walking away from a crappy job.
Ms Jones
Im in a similar situation, me and my AC split up in March after 6 weeks of flip-flapping after 6 years of promises that when push came to shove he bailed. And the best bit, he decided to break the news to me that he thought he wanted to break up over the phone 4 days before the biggest job interview of my career! I spent the weekend in shock trying to get him to come round and tell me what the hell was going on – the coward wouldn’t speak to me – I didn’t stand a chance of giving a decent interview the state I was in. He knew I was very unhappy and seeing as he then took 6 weeks to grow a pair and actually come round and talk to me face to face (why did I wait for validation?) it wasn’t as if the news couldn’t have waited until the interview was over. It really struck a chord with me because I feel even more unhappy now – a failed relationship and a crap job which as you highlighted seems to come even more into focus. However, when I read your post I began to think of something positive to say to you because I wanted to make you feel better because I can relate to your situation – it was then that I realised I could also be giving positive thoughts to myself. We are the only ones that can change our situation – don’t feel stuck – keep searching for a new job where people value who you are. Im 45 so its not like i’m a spring chicken, but I know I’ve got skills and qualities that someone will want somewhere. Keep strong and keep hitting these job pages. Employers are ACs too. Don’t wait for validation from them. Seek your own.
“I guess breaking away from an uncomfortable crappy relationship is easier than walking away from a crappy job”
I think probably so (although imagine how much more awful life’d be if these deadbeat ACs paid us a salary…ugh, horrible thought) but, on the upside, the task of improving a cruddy job situation is much more doable than improving a cruddy man.
I think that one of the side-effects of being in a crappy relationship and pouring lots and lots of energy into someone who a) has no intention of and b) isn’t going to change, is that you start feeling as though that rule applies to the rest of your life as well. But there are lots of things that you CAN do to improve your job situation and the more you try, the more your chances improve.
I sympathise, because having a crappy job does suck out your soul (and I’m sure you’re thrilled to hear from Ms Smugboots Promotion over here, sorry), but imo it speaks volumes about you, your recovery and your determination that you’re redirecting the energy that you once poured into pointless men into something that’ll end up benefitting you. It’s bad that you’re unhappy at work but it’s brilliant that you’ve realised it and you’re doing something about it.
Good luck x
Been reading this blog for months and am amazed at how close it hits home. Thank you, Nat, and all the commenters for everything. I won’t go into all my personal issues because it’s already been said by the rest of you. I’ve been thinking about hiring a private investigator to give me final proof of what I think I already know. Any one else done the same? I’ve tried to end it so many times and done NC but he’s relentless, then still does things to make me so insecure while claiming I’m the one and only. Any thoughts from you experts?
Why do you need final “proof”? You know what you know….Don’t waste your money. If you even have to think about hiring a detective he’s a Flusher!
Birdseye
I too felt like I needed final “proof” that my (now ex) bf was lying and cheating. I did finally get it; essentially caught him in the act with another women and it did help me close the door. Its been 10 days now, round 3. Prior to this he was very good at slithering back into my life despite a collection of horrendous behavoirs….The question I am asking myself now, is why I couldn’t close the door sooner, rather than take it to the 13th hour and its attendant extra pain. Really the fact that I felt jumpy, nervous and full of mistrust should have been enough. The fact is he would play the poor me card and turn up on my doorstep crying (you wouldn’t believe this guy).
The biggest eyeopener in all of this is the realization that I would sacrifice my own well-being to preserve his…
As for the private detective….I can relate but ideally trust your instincts. You most likely know (as I did), that something is not right and whatever it is, its making you feel bad so that is reason enough to end the relationship. Again, the question that needs a PI is why we (I) don’t walk away from what is obviously not working; and HOW did we (I) get this far into a noxious situation in the first place…..
Thanks Ms A and Hope. Taking a fun holiday would be a much better way to spend money. You’re so right about trusting me and what I already know. Hope, our situations sound so similar. This guy is relentless. If he put as much effort into the actual relationship as he does in winning me back, it’d be great. But that’s not the reality. He’s full of commitment words and promises without the matching actions. I suspect a Harem. You know there’s a website for men on how to have multiple long term relationships?
Thanks to Natalie and all of you, we have the tools to navigate now.
As Natlaie says repeatedly: “you may not know everything but you know more than enough.” So yes, Birdseye, even if you blow this money on facials and scrubs and treatments and massages, it would be money better spent than researching some type that is (or about to become) already passé in your life.
This is very true, whilst in our hearts we know of the irk that is screaming the truth , wed rather settle for what we have come to know instead of truly being on our own, ive watched my friend go round on the merry go round of trying to break away from a narsictic bully to go back time and time again. i cannot judge ive been involved with a mm for four odd years , recently thro someone it came out he could playing away with another women and i called him on it, his attention stepped up and he took me away , taking me out . Yet in me i feel uncorfortable all the time , you know its wrong ,pointless never going anywhere ,that your wrong hes wrong ,that i derserve total utter misery , why the hell should i get treated nice im doing wrong , karma is repeatly kicking seven bells of crap out my behind , the whole situation is poision and yet here i stay grumbling bout my job , my life , my shite luck with men . DOH its me that is causing it all, ever time i try and change and make a fresh start ,he ups the anti and when he feels safe he mananges me back down. Hes got me to point i dont feel a thing when hes gigging and i prob know hes up to know good , its like hes erased the human out of me.x strentgh to you wonderful girls out there you can do it!
In times I struggled with panic attacks I literally had my radius of feeling “safe” that determined my actions. Sticking to that radius invariably made it smaller and smaller sometimes it shrank to not wanting to leave the house. I am still in a struggle of expanding and shrinking according to the stresses of my life, back and forth it is, so I know this “Rockyouhard-place” very well. Though I have made a lot of progress and mended broken windows, I am utterly disappointed with myself because in the end of the day all this happens WITHIN my radius and I don’t dare to make a quality leap. I don’t even know how it would look like.
After sleuthing and dismantling all the wrong patterns, which felt like an adventure and worth it, there is a feeling of great demystification. I must admit, that the awe for the male in general that I’ve once felt is gone. There seems to be a stretch of No.interest.in.anything-land as even the prospects of Healthy Land and their People don’t seem attractive anymore to want me go packing up my things and take some trips. As if I am past it. Just looking at travelling brochures (these posts) or listening to the happy relationship reports of those who landed there seem to content me with a little sigh of regret. TV is the matching machine to lull you into the illusion that you can “be” in the remotest places every minute, “meeting people” while gently rocking. It seems to be like this phenomenon of opened prison doors and the prisoners keep staying in their cells.
Just looking at my couch, there is a dent in it, deep and telling.
I KNOW I have to give up my comfort zone and i know i justify it with well at least ive got this and im not here doing this to stop from taking any decisions. BUT at last its starting to bend and be more flexible and the wall started to crack a long time ago so im breaking through in a transitional phase!! slowly but surely
@Susan DON’T let ANY man do that to you. Goodnes get back your power as you and tell him to stick it hes an a…. hole of the first kind and what gives him all super powers 9his opinion over what you look like or who you are? That is not love or respect thats his insecurities being piled onto yo
I got promoted yesterday (yay!) and one of the things that my boss said to me was “you’ve grown immensely in confidence and presence over the last two years”.
I don’t know about my presence but I do remember that before I became pregnant I used to creep into work every morning wondering what terrible thing I might’ve done to get me sacked. It’s very nice not feeling like that anymore and probably worth it.
Through all the crisis management of being pregnant and moving out and getting my head round the whole EUM thing and sorting out my beliefs and my ideas and my self-esteem, I’ve felt a bit stuck and as though my life hasn’t really been moving on. Mostly because I’m still single and not quite alright with everything that happened.
But whilst I’ve felt stuck in one area of my life, I’ve obviously been making good progress in other areas while I wasn’t watching. Sorting my head out might not have landed me a perfect relationship but it HAS let me stretch myself in other ways and d’you know what? It feels really good.
Even though I’m sometimes still inclined to think “pfft, poxy work, who cares?” actually this is really encouraging to realise 🙂
Congratulations. Progress is progress, no matter in what arena. 😉
Awesome! I just had to comment to say ‘Congratulations’!
There is a definite link between how we handle work relationships and how we handle our personal ones. When I left an emotionally abusive marriage, it wasn’t very long afterwards that I left a very unhappy work situation as well. When we feel we are worthy of respect in our life in one area, it cannot help but positively impact the other areas of our life.
YAY, yoghurt! happy and proud for you.
yoghurt~
I have admired you from afar for having the courage to raise a child on your own despite the demise of your relationship with Son’s father.
Congratulations on your well-deserved promotion and new-found confidence!
Great news Yoghurt! So glad for you. Well, it just goes to show…
everything that Nat said!
Thanks everyone! It is lovely to have so much encouragement 🙂
Yoghurt, wahoo to you. I’ve also followed your comments and I have always been in awe. You are such an amazing woman. It is wonderful to hear about such positive experiences and I’m so happy for you. Hug that little boy cos he is a gift. You are one totally cool woman. You got out of your comfortable uncomfortable zone even though you are raising a child on your own. Your son has a great, fabulous mother.
Absolutely seconded! You’re awesome, Yogurt!
Well done to both you and Magnolia on the job front – it’s good that you’re both experiencing the fruits of not being afraid to have standards and go for your worth and beyond. Keep going x
Yay Yoghurt! I saw your ‘smugboots’ comment and didn’t quite understand, and now I see I missed this great news. I love that your boss noticed the shift in your confidence and presence. Of course, it’s not about what others think; you changing what you think about you is what others picked up on. Very encouraging example! Congrats!
(different Susan…)
in my career as a business coach i have similar conversations with clients…it is so easy to keep doing ”stuff” becuase it’s what you’ve always done, even though it may become more and more difficult, or uncomfortable – it’s easier to adjust to the discomfort than find a new way of doing things!
I’ve been guilty of this behaviour myself and am slowly learning – or is that UNlearning how to be comfortable. It’s a new way of normal.
“If being in an uncomfortable comfort zone is familiar to you and you struggle with relationships, it’s because you try to get love in your comfort zone (…)”
OUCH, OUCH, OUCH
It hit me hard on the back of my head to see that I try to work and love within my perimeters.
Doesn’t work or – as predicted – creates bullshit situations.
Dear Nat, I am miffed and I don’t know if I like you today 😉 for tearing away my security blanket and not leaving the tiniest excuse to crouch under. But why am I laughing at the same time? You got me!
Irony has it as I currently work from home and close to home but every couple of weeks I have to touch base and the damn office is at the very end of town, equals a flight from one continent to the other. SHRIEKS!!
There are no attractive enough carrots around to lure me to remote or unfamiliar places. SHRIEKS again!
What baby steps are to be taken? For starters, shall I wrap up my couch with barbed wire and throw out the telly? Oh nooooooo….
Arlena, I can definitely relate to your self-recognition! And, must share this column here that ran today after your mention of carrots…
OMG and LOL, for us “older” women especially.
FX, just had a look. Thank you so much for that link 🙂 I am a great admirer of down-to-earth, cutting-through-guff, clear writing an/or advice from a respectful truth place with heart. x
Hi Natalie/everyone
Another brilliant post.
I now realise that looking on friendship/ dating sites is another way of looking for love in your comfort zone.The best thing I ever did was ‘getting out there’ and I have never felt better.I never realised how much I enjoy other women’s company until now.
My life was my husband and family and home.I am now enjoying being single.I booked a holiday to Majorca for myself and my son and I’m looking forward to the experience.
We sometimes wait for a handsome prince to take us to the ball but we would be better off taking ourself and we might even meet a prince when we get there.
Love to all x
“We sometimes wait for a handsome prince to take us to the ball but we would be better off taking ourselves and we might even meet a prince when we get there.”
Indeed. A good thing about being an introvert is that I appreciate doing things on my own. No need to wait around for any man (or anyone for that matter). Enjoy life regardless.
I agree 100% spinster.
What a coincidence.
I began physiotherapy today for my neck & back. The physiotherapist said that one of the things I have to do, as painful as it may be, is stretch my neck muscles – not to the point that the pain is excruciating, but to the point that it’s uncomfortable and, yes, a little painful. She said that it’s one of the main ways that the pain will begin lessening. It’ll take a while, but the end result will hopefully be less or zero pain.
As one of my resolutions for this year is to go on a date for the first time in goodness-knows-how-many years, I have to do the same in that arena. I’ve gotten better at stretching my Self to an extent (thanks Meetup!!!), so hopefully the rest will follow. Just 1 date for 2012 is all I’m looking for. It may be a long shot, but hopefully my Self stretching will get me one. 🙂
It’s so true Natalie. I was once in a relationship where we both settled for each other for fear of the unknown and because we were both lonely. We were fed up of going to nights out with friends without partners and just decided to give it a try. After a while it became comfortable and it was easier to deal with things being a ‘couple’ but neither of us was really happy. I’m just glad we came to that conclusion before the marriage stage which I have seen some people do.
Great read. I will tweet this out.
Love
Grace
Grace P; that is interesting. I would stay keep in touch with him, however… have you seen this famous article?
Sat in the ‘uncomfortable chair’ for 7 years. Luckily, I came across this site in November 11′, did NC twice since… (at least a hundred times within the 7 years). I never chased though… that was him, always calling/texting, which seeing now, was me being passive… come to discover also, I was unavailable too.
However, when I did change my ways of thinking, opened up to him… things were still the same on his end, feeding me crumbs. Been NC for one month now. In our last month, he’d want to see me… and I kept making excuses, and even though the physical part was the BOMB, lol… I didn’t want that either, cause I knew… the relationship wasn’t going to progress, no matter how good I ‘behaved’. And in all the 7 years… he just wanted to hang in bang, lol. In our last conversation, he said he did not want to get married, when he knew that’s what I’ve always wanted… but he would go back and fourth with it. 3 weeks prior to that comment, he said he was “inlove” with me, but yet won’t commit to me. That was it. I was fed up. Knew it would never be the kind of relationship I wanted, had my boundaries up… told him what I’d need to continue… and poof! he disappeared, with the exception of a dirty txt at 3am a few nights ago. I’ve blocked my number since. I don’t speak to him in a month, and I get a perverted text?? he apologized and said he thought I blocked his # (pattern), apologized again in the morning. That’s when I really did block his #. This time, it’s permanant. I’m not playing games anymore… I’m moving on with my life. It hurts sometimes, but better than giving an AC the time of day and wasting my life away on this flip-flapping person.
Ladies… I’m telling you, you are all strong and you just don’t know it yet. I’m so mad I wasted so much time on this person, there is a whole world out there waiting for you… what’s the worst that can happen, you cry a few times for a month… and possibly meet someone wayyy better? Be committed to treated yourself WELL… and you will be strong enough to do whatever it is that you truly want.
I went No Contact on my ex for a month as well, then he sent a dirty text. I was disgusted (we’re not young) I never replied thinking I could do way better and would meet some one soon since I was ‘doing all the right things’. And yet here it is… six months later…. still single.
…I just also wanted to add that, one of my ex’s (that I really didn’t give the time of day cause of the AC), I am speaking to him again. He was always good to me, treated me well, and loved my kids… but I was still so caught up w/ AC, that it didn’t work. I sabatoged a possibly great relationship to stay in the comfortable, uncomfortable.
That good guy is back in the picture… he’s not an AC, we’ve known eachother for 5 years. We’ve gone out twice, and said that he would marry me in a heartbeat… and that we can elope. He was dead serious. What got me was… when we were having a deep conversation, he said to me, “I would take care of everything, you… the kids (he even said… I would consider them mine too)), I want you to be happy, I’d make sure that you were happy and give you everything you want”.
I sat there and thought… how nice to hear that, and knowing that he means it. Instead of waiting for so many years wanting to hear something like that from ex AC. Never heard that from him… instead, it was a struggle.
I’m not saying this guy is “the One”, yet… it’s possible. I can honestly say… holy crap! THAT is how I always wanted someone to feel about me, and he said it effrortlessly and MEANT it. I didn’t even question him being genuine… and I think that’s what keeps us on the fence with the AC, and unavailable… cause we want to beleive them, but deep down, we don’t. They’re really not genuine or trustworthy. Deep down, we know that… but we’re too scared to leave. Fear is a bitch. I’m giving fear a big ol’ F….U. I’d rather keep my boundaries, know my worth… and trust myself… bye, bye… fear.
demke-
what amazes me about what you said is that, even though the good guy said the wonderful things and meant them, you’re still going slowly. you’re not rushing in. you’re taking your time to make sure its right. i don’t think you even see what a huge accomplishment that is ON TOP OF ditching the AC and having the courage to face your fear.
good for you!
Demke,
You’ve known each other for a while, but have only had two dates and he’s talking marriage/eloping? I know this must feel like a nice change, but I’d recommend treading slowly and carefully. You may be a bit vulnerable to someone who seems so different from the ex-AC. I’m a little concerned that this man has made such grand statements so quickly.
In agreement with A.
Ladies – thank you for your responses :). I get how some may say that I could be vulnerable, but I have actually ‘dated’ him before, and he always treated me well, but the ex AC was always on my mind and lurking in the background. I used to work with this guy too… and throughout the years his behavior and words have beenconsistent, I was the EUW to him.
Trust me, I am treading slooowwwly. I just meant.. that it’s nice to hear a man (who I know is being genuine) say nice things… as opposed to what I was used to for so long. What I’m trying to say… is that it’s ‘possible’, good men are out there… I guess that’s why I mentioned all of that, I don’t even plan on being in a ‘relationship’ yet, let alone eloping, lol. I don’t think I’m vulnerable… I’ve come so far and learned so much (thanks Natalie! xo) that although I have my days where I do cry (for 10 seconds), get angry (20 seconds), but it’s so fleeting anymore… that a majority of the time, I am so happy just to be free of being entangled in that toxic web I thought was a ‘relationship’, for 7 long freakin’ miserable years. In my experience… I HAD to be ready to let go. We need to feel good about ourselves almost 100% before we’re ready to walk… we can read self-help all we want… listen to advice… but until we’re not scared to say ‘no thanks’ and keep it that way… we’ll continue to stay stuck in the “uncomfortable, comfortable”. It really is short-term pain. I have no doubt, in another month… I’ll be feeling even better… and moving along like I should’ve been years ago.
I recognize that I have to stand up, get out of that chair, make a real change. The uncomfortable comfort zone limbo is so easy and so very miserable. Want change? Yes! So I’m making the uncomfortable step of looking at all my beliefs and patterns that keep me in the same place.
In my first months of coming to Baggage Reclaim I basically comforted myself with the descriptions and analyses of the BAD ones, the EUM’s and AC’s. Aren’t they terrible?
Well now, I’m finally facing up to my role in every relationship. Once I read the last post by Natalie, the one on rejection, I decided to face my attitudes and beliefs, the ones that hold me in my prison of self-rejection. These beliefs go back to childhood and established a self-perpetuating pattern, and here I sit, age 58, and fed up with it all.
Natalie published the Rejection post, the next day my acupuncturist noted how wounded I am by my perceived rejection, and she sad, “But consider the source.” She meant the guy. But I was inspired to consider the source realistically and truthfully. I made a document of observations about who, how, what, when, why and where. What came out was a story of self-fulfilling beliefs and stubborn attachment to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.
I felt (and feel) uncomfortable, but ever so slightly relieved. I am not yet totally liberated, but the heaviest chains have been broken. And each new post on Baggage Reclaim has a different impact on me now. I look in the mirror. I take responsibility. I expect great improvement as I continue to insist on my own consciousness and authenticity.
“We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
That was really inspiring to read, NewYorkGirl – thanks 🙂
“And each new post on Baggage Reclaim has a different impact on me now. I look in the mirror. I take responsibility.”
I love this. When I started reading BR I thought that it was just a case of changing the way that I relate to men, then other personal relationships, then family… Now I find that my new outlook is seeping into every part of my life and everything seems to have much greater clarity. Admittedly, sometimes that clarity can make things ugly things seem uglier, but it’s like having new spectacles. At any rate, I seem to bump into things much less.
Wow! This post as usual came at the perfect time! I’ve been NC with my ex for the past 5 days after 2 months of a roller coaster. It’s amazing how powerful and strong I feel one day and the next it’s almost like I’m missing the hurt and the pain. It’s sick to feel this way and I hate being in a battle with myself all the time. I’m my own worse enemy and it’s exhausting. I chase the highs and the quick fixes from him knowing I will feel lower than low the next day. Always in tears and not going to work.
Everything in my life is suffering from this friendships, job and most importantly my own self worth. How can I be so cognitive of what I’m doing and why it’s wrong but still do it. I think it’s what this post is saying I’m use to being in pain it’s my comfort.
The saddest part is this time going NC is the first time he hasn’t reached out to me which has been the hardest part. I should be thankful for this but find myself looking at my phone in the middle of the night and feeling let down when there is no drunken text or call from him.
I need strength and support that this will get easier. I truly want to get better and I’m determined to stick to NC.
How do you ladies making through your hardest days?
I’m so thankful for this site and you Nat!
sarah-
(christ, another list)
1- compassion – its only been 5 days – still early, and still not yet a clear habit. so give yourself a break. learn to self soothe now, this is your chance.
2- discipline – remember, NC is for YOU to break yourself of your addition to him. so give yourself a discipline. every time you think of him you can do any/all of the following:
– journal – just spew out your feelings/thoughts to yourself but DO NOT email/text them to him
– get up and do something else, anything – the dishes, the laundry, dance around, sing, go for a walk, call a friend, whatever, just DO something
– make a list of 3-5 thoughts that you think instead – what do you need to tell yourself now?
– read BR
– meditate
3- self-investment – get a new hobby, a new healthy habit, anything that adds to your experience and your life, something you enjoy, that preferably gets you out of the house and interacting with other people
you can do it. don’t give up.
“The saddest part is this time going NC is the first time he hasn’t reached out to me which has been the hardest part. I should be thankful for this but find myself looking at my phone in the middle of the night and feeling let down when there is no drunken text or call from him.”
Hey Sarah, we’ve all felt this….I know I have. But ask yourself this…why would you be so grateful for a drunken text from him, it’s just crumbs. I’m now into my 5th month of NC and still have the odd day where I ‘miss him’ (what is there to miss Miranda?? come on!!) and if the idea of contacting him comes into my head I either divert my attention and go and get busy doing something else or say to myself ‘I’ll text him later/tomorrow’….by the time that moment comes around I see sense and think no way am I gonna break this and all the hard work I’ve being doing on myself. He would probably ignore me or make some stupid remark and I’d be back to square one.
REMEMBER NC is for YOU not HIM…I promise Sarah it is the best present you can give yourself and it costs nothing…..it’s a gift that keeps on giving!!!! Lol.
All the best
Miranda x
natalie you little clairvoyant you.
so, a few weeks ago, i had started down this path of changing completely (again) my approach to dating and relationships. i clarified for myself that i was only looking for a committed relationship, and made that commitment to myself. i rewrote my profiles with this in mind, i researched how to do it and worked really hard on them to make them lovely and fun but clear.
this direction just got reinforced last weekend by a brief single-date brush with an unvailable guy who was separated, yes really separated, but also not ready for anything real – participating with him literally made me feel *sick* because it was dipping back into unhealthy behaviors. now i really GET IT that chasing unavailable is a drug, a bad one like crack or heroin or meth, and a highly effective defense mechanism that keeps you from facing your shit. and i am totally an addict. i literally, during the brief time i interacted with him (no i didn’t sleep with him), felt like i was ringing the doorbell at the dealers’ house at 3am, all dirty, disheveled and shameful, trying to score a hit. its a rush, but a sick rush, one that i need to go cold turkey on. ultimately, i booted him, but it was small comfort.
so, now i am completely, absolutely matching my actions to my objectives:
– if i want the man of my dreams, i have to be the woman of his, my version
– if i want to bring love and warmth and compassion and gentleness to me, i have to offer them, first to myself
– if i want a lush, rich, lovely, emotional life with an emotionally available man, i need to be emotionally available myself (yikes! scary!!!)
– if i want to avoid broken men, i need to heal myself
– if i want a brave man who will stick up for me and be my rock, i need to be brave and stick up for me and be my own rock, even to/for myself
– if i don’t want a bullshitter, i can’t bullshit myself
– if i want something real, i have to get real – and i get to determine what real means – it doesn’t mean harsh and judgmental and pressuring, it means awake, alive, honest, and headed in a definite direction, but full of compassion
i’m actually glad last weekend’s UM made me so sick. because now i know -we all do EU because we do not value ourselves, our lives, nearly enough. and i will not participate in any activity that does not lead to my objective. i will not participate with men who do not SHARE my objective, have not independently decided for themselves that this is what they want in their lives.
i’m not screwing around any more. next step? get myself out of the house more, do more stuff, get out in the world more. scares the crap out of me, but its better than stewing in the old juices for one. more. second.
bless you, natalie, bless you, bless you.
cc, you have developed solid values by the looks of it and like others on here, you can and will take those into a loving relationship. Inspiring words.
It IS like a drug in the way that you write. I can feel the thought processes that went into my ‘hit’ – ‘you are damaged, you are dirty, get this fix and don’t worry about the future, too much harm done already, you don’t deserve any better’
I also feel the thought processes of the AC being the excitement in my life and say WTF?! When he disappeared things would be boring. Can’t believe I used to think, ‘try and get more of him then’, not, ‘this man is unreliable, disrespectful, superficial, and if I’m basing my happiness on him, there is seriously something wrong with me and my life’.
Fellow commenters, don’t let your hit and entire happiness be someone who doesn’t care for you in a consistent way. It’s a leap to go into that ‘void’ without him, but for me it’s been a fabulous journey, I feel so strong, and yes I do get lonely, but not half as lonely as I was being not good enough for commitment. Considering my life is nowhere near rebuilt, it’s still damn good on the other side. That void is necessary, if you line someone up or meet them while in those damaging thought patterns, that void will stay with if you’re ever left alone. Too risky, fill your life with you.
Ah and bless you cc, for putting it so clearly – I´m at the same point you are, I actually came to this site through a forum for love addicts, the ones that perpetually live on the highs of unavailable and toxic relationships. I discovered that is not really who I am or want to be, that I was going through a time of very low self esteem and thus attracting all these EU/AC guys into my life.
And I´m with you on the scary part of being available myself! So this brings us to the topic at hand – why do we get stuck in the uncomfortable comfort zone? I know in my case it´s simply because it frightens me! So one thing I´d add to your list is this: be BRAVE, ladies. Know that it´s scary to open up to real love but do it anyway (better said than done, I know) and start by loving yourselves as cc says.
happy b, lilia-
thanks, guys. it is really scary, it scared me just to write that, but dammit, i mean it. no more sick.
and lilia, i think we get stuck in the uncomfortable comfortable zone because its familiar and because we’ve already been hurt so badly (abuse, loss through abandonment, death, divorce, other breakups, etc) that we can’t imagine volunteering to be hurt further by really opening ourselves up, and even though the comfort zone might feel awful, at least we have some control over it, even though we think we don’t. and guess how we control it? by being so risk-averse that we become EU! to ourselves! and seeking EU men! welcome to our cluster f*ck!
i also think we don’t know enough to know what’s happening, we’re just reacting until we get help, get aware, figure it out and forge a new identity. which is kind of ironic – think it was scary being EU? try being EA! now, that’s scary, because now you’re actually at risk.
but at least i know it. none of this means i’ll never get hurt again, and i know that. but i’d rather fall forward than backward. and now i have me to take care of me. i never had that before. and i have this community – i’m actually choked with gratitude as i’m writing this.
maybe the sleeper really has awakened. yes, lilia – be BRAVE.
Hey cc
I read your post earlier today and it came in pretty useful later. Son was at his dad’s and when he dropped him back we had the obligatory fortnightly cup of tea and round-up of arrangments and so on.
I felt manky leading up to it and I feel manky now – partly because it’s just really not nice interacting with someone who doesn’t give a toss about you – however much they might dress it up under a cloak of respectable civility and friendliness.
But it does also make me feel a bit physically sick. The closest thing I can equate it to is the thought of a drink while you’re recovering from an awful hangover. But it made you feel so good! But it’s made you feel this bad… ugh. Blegh. Bleeeeeggggh!
I love the idea of falling forward rather than backward. But I also think that part of being EA and taking your interactions seriously is that you’re automatically better protected if things go wrong. And you’d be able to avoid the self-blame, which I suspect would count for a lot.
yogurt
It’s not obligatory. I’m sure many men and women manage their childcare arrangements without cups of tea in their home. It’s too intimate.
You could (i) simplify the arrangements by doing pretty much the same thing every week (ii) do it via a phone call or email (yep, it’s keeping a distance but in this case that’s a good thing) (iii) do it in starbucks and treat it like a business meeting (iv) cut down the time (v) cut down the topics (ie just to son). You could still go to school events together but that’s public. It’s not tete-a-tetes in your house.
This is close to my heart right now. I enjoy the excrush’s company, we’re in the same study group at church, and we take part in the same social activities (the unmarrieds cluster). Even though he doesn’t step over the line (wish he would!) I have it in the back of my mind that I may have to roll back even this limited interaction because, gah, I like it too much.
It HAS been helpful observing him in action and his consideration towards – everyone (I thought it was special to me *sniff*) . And it’s how I found out his age. But I don’t need any more information in that regard. You don’t need any further deets on your ex. I’m letting it ride for now. It would be disruptive to my church life to switch study groups and stop going to social events. But, yes, I have an eye on it.
You could widen your circle of friends (reading these comments it’s something MANY of us could stand to do). These not-quite friendships become overly significant if our other friendships are limited. The excuses – I’ve only lived here x years, I’m shy, I’m introverted, I’m too old/fat/skinny/tired/busy, everyone else is too busy, no-one likes me, I live in the country/city/ on Mars – that’s us occupying the uncomfortable comfort. For a couple of months I was stuck in the excrush. It’s what I know. Then I forced myself out of it. It was like kicking a sack of potatoes up a hill. It , was hard work, the potatoes are bruised but the view is better, the air fresh.
PS My no. 1 tip re socialising – smile a lot at everyone. Be approachable. We aren’t the only ones who feel shy and awkward. It’ s not down to the rest of the world to beat down our door. We have to meet them halfway, or a little more cos, really, who’s counting?
I like the idea of kicking potatoes up a hill. That is very applicable to more than one situation in my life that I can think of.
I know it sounds like wishy-washy excuse making but the truth is that I’ve tried to cut down on the contact in various ways – at one point I asked for third-party pick-ups (that was awkward and it kept on not working, mostly because other people were too busy to accommodate us with it), I’ve gone through phases of doing everything by text (which he goes through phases of Not Seeing on time) and, tbh, conversation is pretty much limited to Son anyway.
There is an element of not wanting to hand Son over to someone who is effectively a stranger. When we weren’t talking at all I just didn’t like it – I felt like I didn’t really know what was going on and I didn’t have any control over the situation. If Son had been older or if we’d been properly ‘together’ at any point I don’t think I’d feel this way, but Son was a teeny tiny baby when this started and he’s only a toddler now – it’s not conducive with absolute NC. We need to communicate about things like discipline and routines and things.
Also, if I’m honest, I’d rather that Son was aware that his mum and dad DID communicate – especially when it comes to him.
As for the ‘neutral territory’ – again it’s a good idea but just not especially practicible – between work and the commute and the elderly relative I don’t have a lot of time to faff about, besides which I live in a super-rural area and there just aren’t that many public places that are suitable to meet with a toddler, are open after work and don’t have earwigging sixth-formers waiting on the tables.
I don’t like having to do it and it drags me down a bit. But I wouldn’t like having to do it wherever it happened and tbh I always accepted it as one of the mankinesses of being in my situation. On the upside I don’t feel especially threatened by it anymore, providing that I don’t engage with anything inappropriate and remember not to give him ANY power over ANY of my feelings.
You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this, but from what you describe, it sounds like phone calls may be an adequate replacement for face to face meetings? You could discuss all the necessary things over the phone, then limit contact to quick pick-ups and drop-offs. It may spare you a lot of the unpleasantness that comes with sitting around having face to face meetings with him. Just a thought.
yogurt
Maybe it’s about a mental boundary – realising that they’re separate from us . They aren’t motivated by us or focused on us, negatively or positively. I resolutely am NOT climbing into the excrush’s head but I’m sure he isn’t thinking what I’m thinking. How could it be? He’s not me.
I don’t know if it will make you feel better or worse (it makes me feel better) but they aren’t thinking about us very much. They aren’t putting us down in their minds or rejecting us. They’re just getting on with their lives.
This may be a stretch, but while maintaining your boundaries, is it possible to – enjoy it rather than be tense about it? I don’t think straight when I’m tormented!
Anyway, thanks, you’re helping me clarify this in my mind.
Yo, thanks for not whaling on me 🙂 I left my computer at work last night and spent the evening worrying about how pathetic it all sounded.
So I sat there and worried and fretted and went round in circles thinking about how there were no alternatives and I couldn’t do things differently etc etc etc and then I thought “How ridiculous, it amounts to about five minutes of my life a week – which even I can cope with – and the ‘relationship’ has been over for well over a year. Get a grip”.
It isn’t that big an issue – of course it isn’t pleasant and I do have my guard up very very high (hence the physically-sick feelings, I think) – but if I’m turning five minutes a week into some sort of major issue then it really says a whole lot more about me than it does about him.
It isn’t nice and it’s hard sharing The Best Thing Ever (Son) with someone who doesn’t care about you and scoots off and shares him with someone else. But then it’s difficult having a child with ANYONE who isn’t nice to you – and I’m sure it’s harder for women whose husbands run off with someone else after x years of marriage. If they can manage, so can I.
And now I’m off to think of fun ways to fill my long weekend 🙂
Grace, CC,
“It’ s not down to the rest of the world to beat down our door.”
Yes, this is so true. I am guilty of waiting for others to make an effort. I have needed that validation, it said I was worth it if they pursued me, invited me or smiled at me first. It also represented a situation where I was less likely to get rejected, but that wasn’t true. The people who have been most forward with me, flattered me and went over the top to get my attention were the future fakers and tended to blow hot, then cold. I have to put myself out there a little more, and take the risk. Also, I need to tame my need for validation (my drug of choice) and recognize genuine interest from people from future faking. I have an ex right now trying to push the reset button. For a brief moment, the attention felt good and relieved boredom, but inside it feels wrong and I know he’s looking for his own ego stroke. I have better things to do than to be his band aid again (he wasn’t over his ex). Now I need to get out there and look for those better things, instead of waiting for them to find me. That is what leaving my comfort zone looks like. Smiling at someone first. Sounds so silly and simple when I write it out.
excellent cc, wonderfully put!
cc,
I think of all the comments I’ve read on this site over all the months, this one makes me the happiest!
You are the bomb. You got it. And you are now transfusing the love you have for yourself to the rest of us.
How great is it when you can actually feel the toxins so close, and choose not to ingest them. This is really the best thing ever!
Thank you CC
Kudos, cc.
Natalie has always reinforced that the better we start to feel about ourselves, the less apt we are to tolerate shady, EU behavior.
You went with your gut and that sick feeling was a warning. Good for you that you’re taking a firm stance on what you want and need.!
I relate to Magnolia on this one. Single is my comfort zone. I’ve been single the vast majority of my adult life. I didn’t want a series of failed r.shits w ‘step father’ figures passing through my Son’s life so waited until he was an adult to start dating. Thus I only started dating in recent years. I took a chance on one guy which I ended at the 6 mth mark & the only other person who got anywhere w me was xAC (unfortunately). I spent pretty much my whole mid 20’s to late 30’s not in the dating game – at all. Notably, this is the age when most other ppl look for a partner & settle down. I was too busy raising my Son, getting an education PLUS working 2 jobs 7 days a week a lot of the time, trying to build a little security for us as we wont be inheriting anything from anyone & I don’t want either of us to ever end up homeless like I was as a child. Now, I’m in such a bad state of health I’m back off the dating scene for at least another 2 years. I will be mid 40’s before I’m ready to put myself out there again. Oh well. I’d rather be independent in terms of $ & education than take a chance on a man to meet my needs any day. Sorry but there are just too many assholes out there (sad but true). I’m not giving up my self sustainability for anyone and I don’t think that is a bad thing.
I read something recently that was a revelation to me. “Don’t confuse longing with love”. I did. I do. I still need to reflect on this. But it does keep me in the wrong comfort zone. If the feeling that I’m chasing is longing of course I go round in circles.
Wow – yes. I recognised this recently. I thought the feelings I was chasing were love and desire when in fact it was longing and unfulfillment. So I could never get what I thought I wanted. Realising this has absolutely liberated me and also helped me to look at what I have in my LTR in a different way. I thought something was missing – it is ambiguity and witholding that is missing so I now know I have to create desire in a different way. It is a massive shift in beliefs and will take some time but I’m hoping I can get there.
Thank you Lyz, I agree he is an insecure a–hole! I am just a simple girl, took a few courses at my local community college. He is a Georgia Tech graduate with top honors, and a successful stock broker.
I am proud of my accomplishments, I quit smoking, got out of a bad marriage, went back to school and obtained my GED, started college and lost 165 pounds. My X EU BF never had much to say other than of course
to knock my body.
I can’t help but wonder how many girls he has hurt over the years and there is most certainly one he is hurting now. I feel so sorry for her because I know the pain that is yet to come. Who knows, she may be up for her 2nd time around like me. I promise you one thing, I won’t be around for number 3 thanks to Natalie!
Susan 🙂
CC and Bhoot, thank you for your support. I replied back to your messages
there. You are both wondeful!
Susan
You are most welcome, Susan. You know, keep your head high and don’t compare yourself to the ex. Just look at what you have achieved and what you will continue to do (if you are inclined to keep moving forward) and feel proud. The ex is a blip in your life and not worth the agony – been there, done that. Good luck!! 🙂
I’m not surprised to hear you got a better job offer Magnolia. Yr handling the situation really well & I could see they were trying to manage you down so to speak. The only flag that raises is, what other sorts of shady stuff might they pull when you get there after finally accepting? Not saying they will do anything further for certain, & all is fair in a competetive field, however bear in mind the game they’ve played with you, b/c w.out wanting to dampen yr spirits, in my experience, when these tactics appear so early on, they tend to continue (& esculate). I hope this doesn’t happen in yr sitch, but make sure you read the fine print of yr contract (which I know you will) as the terms of this are what will ultimately stand you in good stead with such an employer. Good luck!!
I found this sentence:
„FEAR is an affirmation of your growth.“
When in transition from old bad habits (in whatever life area) to a better place we have to count with heightened fears, as this part is our body guard who’s job it is to keep us safe by tying us down to the familiar and talking us away from the unknown. If we stay put in our comfort zones, the job is well done from the perspective of our guard. Here we have to step in consciously…
So true! So many women live a half-life with a partner who belittles them etc, just because they have no idea that they have the ability to survive on their own. This society is so sick with its attitude towards single women: it goes back to witch burnings doesn’t it???!! Don’t think we have moved on much! Single women are patronised, belittled, feared… so much that so many women are willing to put up with terrible male behaviour just so they don’t have the ‘single’ label. I tell you something, there is nothing more soul-destroying than being in a relationship with an EUM. Being single is hard sometimes, but it is nothing compared to living a half-life, like a vampire…. so hungry but you can’t eat!!!
It has been nearly a year since I found out my AC had a serious relationshit going on with someone else and was dating on line as well. I didn’t stick around but yep, it does still hurt. Much of this is because I have to deal with this dude at work, have no family or real support system, and just leaving the job and area would mean financial ruin. I have gotten out there but the men I meet are either very wrong for me or unwilling to come to this small depressed mountain town. At nearly 52, the last chance saloon idea is constantly there. I am doing everything right in terms of working hard (I am a small scale organic farmer too), exercising, working on my house to improve its value, going to social things although I have zero chance of meeting anyone there. I am demographically, values-wise, and educationally wrong for this region. This dude was one if the few that shared some of my values and took care of himself besides. Now, I have lost my love of teaching during the last year. I do a good job but am dead inside. I wish alternative construction workshops (my newest project) paid enough to cover the bills but thats more of a retirement activity. What has made things worse is that AC has gotten away with murder at work, not being there for classes and not showing for events he volunteered to be at, making the rest of us have to cover for him. You can force yourself out of your comfort zone but how do you kill your emotions so you can at least function and feel if not good, not awful?
Hi ladies, and HI NAT!
I’ve been on BR for over a year now, and went separate ways with my AC back in December. I thought that the hardest part would be breaking up with him, but it was what followed that almost broke me. I remember feeling like a chicken with my head cut off, feeling alone and vulnerable and angry with myself for having stuck with someone who was so unavailable to me for two years. To top it off, he was already courting his next woman while we were in the process of breaking up. Three months later I decided I was done feeling sorry for myself. I would wake up from nightmares of him with the next woman, unable to shake the image of her face from my mind. 5am, I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my sneakers and just kept running. I’m happy to say that 24 pounds later (physical and emotional pounds), I can’t imagine ever being a part of something that made me so incredibly miserable. Most importantly, I’ve had time to understand why in God’s name I would be so quick to get with a man who broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years “for” me. This was about me, it doesn’t matter how terrible of a boyfriend he was to me for two years. I accepted what I thought I was worth. If he tried to even so much as speak to me today, I’d run in the other direction. Here’s to self love, respect, and honor. Good luck ladies, it does get better. I promise. Just keep walking in the other direction no matter how badly it hurts. The universe did not want this man/woman for you, listen to it!
Yoghurt,
Congratulations you on yr promotion! Great stuff & must be very satisfying for you to have achieved!
T 🙂
Thanks teachable 🙂
“Some relationships feel like ‘home’ because they represent what you know, even if what you know is pain.”
So much of what I read in this post describes how I behaved/felt in the last couple of months with my neighbor. He moved a week ago so I feel like things have settled at least for now. And yet, in some ways, the difficult work that I need to do has only just begun, and I’m actually still kind of numb to the whole thing.
I mean, I spent the last two and half months constantly bracing myself – when we were “together,” I was bracing myself for his insults, hideously offensive opinions, or aggressive sex; when we were “broken up,” I was bracing myself for his incessant phone calls, pleas at my door, my own emotional guilt, my own desperate fear that he would never leave me alone (as my first AC still never has), etc.
But now I have to start really figuring out WTF I was just doing for the last two and a half months – why I would allow myself to be continually emotionally assaulted like that.
You know, so much of the OCD therapy I have been engaged in has been helping me work through my overwhelming fear of being trapped in a destructive relationship, that if I were in one, I wouldn’t leave. And yet now I feel like it’s confirmed that my fear ISN’T irrational, that in fact I really can’t seem to leave.
This is actually really upsetting for me, as I had previously wanted to believe that I had made so much progress.
Meanwhile, my little brother’s AA sponsor is completely taking advantage of my family’s desperation to save my brother , charging us hundreds of dollars for doing things we thought he was doing as my brother’s sponsor but now he tells us (after the fact) that he was doing for his private consulting company which we didn’t even know existed. And my dad is going along with this and is going to pay him. I wonder where I get my doormat status from… 🙁
Snowboard, I really hope you have seen the last of this horrid neighbour man. Your story was always one that particularly made my blood boil. Sorry about these other troubles with your brother and this con man. I do hope you can find a way to kick him into touch and support your brother in other ways.
Thank you so much, Polly! I hope I have seen the last of him too. I know he plans to come back to visit the university in a month to see his friends, and I’m still trying to figure how how I’m going to handle that.
I am actually talking to a new guy now, someone I’ve been interested in since I met him six months ago. He is approaching me very slowly/cautiously though, which couldn’t be more perfect for me at this moment. Red flag count, as of yet: zero. 🙂
Hope you’re doing well Polly !
I’m doing ok thanks Snowboard. Good for you with the new man and good to take things slow and careful. And when neighbour shows up, be somewhere else!
are there really so man men out there prepared to offer so little and so many women prepared to accept it?
what has happened to our society- it grieves me:(
@Harriet Bond -Oh my God , I am starving for real love! He gave only things his money could buy,,,When he started with round 1 there was affection and he even told me he loved me for about a week. I don’t know about the rest of you but my EUM was generous with nice meals, entertainment, and several trips for gambling. It’s confusing for me as he meets most of the listed criteria in the book but he always gave me what he promised. The funny thing is he told me he would take me to Florida and Vegas but he decided that “I pushed him” and broke it off before it could happen. Fast forwarding? I don’t know!
I read that these men have a commitment phobia. In my case I have to agree. During the last day I saw him he was doing laundry.
When I stepped into the area to tell him about something he acted as though I was going to hurt him. He looked angry and was absolutely nasty to me. The information stated it was the fight or flight reaction,,,I just know it scared the crap out of me!
~Susan
yoghurt-
it’s not pathetic. …look – i think one if our jobs with ourselves is to give ourselves empathy and compassion, especially when others, particularly those we want to, don’t. the trick is to keep it productive and avoid wallowing for too long and getting stuck in an identity with it that prevents us from moving ahead and making new, better choices. your situation SUCKS and of course you feel awful about it, it’s insult upon injury. but, yes, you do need to minimize it into a proper perspective do that you run the majority of your life in a happy way and get what you ultimately want.
I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. if you need someone to slap that bitch of a Son’s father, I volunteer. just kidding. you know what I mean.
I’m in an UNcomfortable UNcomfort zone.
Reading these comments has encouraged me to listen to myself and treat myself with trust. Basically, I am highly qualified in a field I really enjoy working in, and which I *am* working and developing in, but it’s barely paying at the moment and I’ve had to do various jobs to stay afloat. These jobs are 4 grades lower than I should be, and some people who are equally qualified never get out of them. I’ve been saying for ages that I must take a leap – the phrase that stays in my head is ‘necessity is the mother of invention’. As in, if you don’t create the necessity, you will stay in a rut. This is even tried and tested. There are 2 times in my life when I’ve taken a total leap into the unknown, and have been rewarded, once by literally ending up in paradise, or a stunning stretch of jungle anyway.
People keep telling me that in this economic climate, I should be glad to have a permanent job that is in a pleasant place. It upsets me that they don’t have more faith in me. I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I have nothing and am sapped by this work. I hope that doesn’t seem like ‘job snobbery’ because I respect people based on who they are, not where they work – but I have found something I’m passionate about and sacrificed a lot.
I’m very close to taking that leap, maybe even tomorrow! And I think post-AC, it will eliminate another factor in my life that makes me feel depleted 🙂
Thanks for that comment, happy b! I am still trying to make the leap into another line of work (am going to college for the field I want to be in). It’s kind of tough. But it’s great to hear from someone like you who has tried the leap before, and the leap turned out well. Good luck on the next venture!
Story, it just has to be done sometimes! I am trying to be prudent but I have run myself down to the ground and the toll it’s taking on me is just not worth it. I am not getting enough sleep, don’t have the time to pamper myself or be good to myself, and feel like I’m being punished when I should be reaping rewards. I find everyday frustrations difficult when I am lacking in sleep. And not because I have trouble sleeping, but because of the alarm clock.
But what good will being angry do me? As this site hammers home a lot, you can’t demand to be valued, or complain about it, if you don’t treat yourself with value. I think that’s the key. I can’t do it all immediately, but I think I can go with a simple strategy of quitting anything/anyone that makes me feel devalued, and have faith that I am capable of finding something better to put in its place. It’s scary. Am sure I’ll keep checking back here.
Good luck to you too Story!
Thanks cc – you are very good at saying things that I need to hear!
I think that one of the hallmarks of this sort of unhealthy relationship is that the impact is unfairly distributed – one person feels as though their entire existence depends on it, the other feels… nothing much. In fact, the whole thing is an exercise one or both parties in pushing the impact off onto the other person.
Likewise, one of the hallmarks of an EUM is that they’ll reap all the benefits that they can from a situation, but avoid the difficult bits like the plague. So it isn’t very surprising that this situation has ended up as it is, and I suppose it’s not very surprising that I’m here going “Eh? How do I not even register as a sentient human being to you, after everything I’ve done and all the ways that my life has changed??!” It’s hard getting my head round the idea that I poured so much time and energy into someone who really didn’t care anything for me.
For a long time, I held onto the belief that, whilst we weren’t going to be together, we’d be able to form a friendly co-parenting relationship and that I’d have a role and some respect as Son’s Mother. Nope, that was wrong too – it’s all been a gigantic exercise in managing my expectations down.
I also find his big !!!Redemption!!! storyline difficult, as it casts me in a role that’s either villainous or else completely faceless… BUT, what d’you do with someone who thinks that you’re a faceless villain, despite your best efforts to prove otherwise? You pay no attention to them, that’s what you do. That’s what I have to do. He’s so not worth the brainspace.
yoghurt-
Son’s father and ixnay’s AC sound cut from the same cloth, twins, even.
ok, it’s super clear. i’ll say it again. you gave him the job of judge if you, a job that should never have existed and for which he was utterly unqualified. now, fire him and eliminate the job title. you do not need his validation of you, and to subjugate yourself to the whim of such a. sorry, and here, I’ll go British, WANKER, and make him of all people the arbitor of your obvious value is lu. di. crous.
no more of this, now, I’m serious. you know exactly what I mean. you value you. the hell with him.
cc, without wanting to future-fake… I think I love you. 🙂
I am going to copy your response out in my best handwriting and pin it up above my mirror.
Basically it comes down between believing his version of events (which has been constructed entirely so’s he can think nice things about himself, avoid any uncomfortable situations and make himself look good) and mine (which hasn’t been constructed on any of the above principles – I’d like to think that I’d do a better job of it if it had!).
I know I’m honest – if I wasn’t before then I certainly am now. I know he’s not. So whose version of events should I hang my self-esteem onto?
Also – in reference to my reply to ixnay – ENOUGH of being his emotional dustbin! (/trashcan <— hey! I can Americanize!) While I let myself believe him I'm actually acting as a little overflow for all the unpleasant behaviours that he doesn't want to deal with but wants to keep hidden.
Thanks again x 🙂
yoghurt-
good. dont forget to stay your cohesive self the next time you have to see him to discuss son.
love you too honey. and I don’t feel future faked at all.
Frankly, this is an incredibly important article – and for more than just “relationships”. Thank you for it!