About Ignoring Discomfort and Needs Because We’re Hoping They’re The One

Tags: authentic connection, betting on potential, building intimacy, Communication, connection, creating boundaries, denial, healthy communication in relationships, hiding your needs, how to be authentic, intimacy, listening to your body, listening to yourself, Needs, people pleasing, self-trust, voicing your needs

When we’re not used to letting our real selves hang out, voicing our needs, and creating healthy boundaries, it’s not unusual to assume that if we’re really into someone and we have ‘so much in common’, the rest should take care of itself. In reality, that’s not how humans or relationships work. As a result, when we recognise something about the relationship setup isn’t meeting our needs, or we’re experiencing discomfort, it can throw us into an anxiety-inducing tailspin. We ignore, dismiss, and override ourselves.

Even if we try to pretend otherwise, once we’re aware of unmet needs and discomfort, a part of us knows the solution is to speak up. It becomes increasingly clear that we must be honest about who we are and what we need, think, expect, feel or think. We realise that no matter how pleasing and loving we are, our partner isn’t a mind reader, nor will issues magically resolve themselves.

Yet, we might bumble and struggle along, pretending everything’s okay, that we’re not uncomfortable or that the problem is, for instance, our ‘neediness’.

We figure our options are a) ‘chase/scare the person away’ by voicing concerns and needs or b) make ourselves comfortable [with the situation we already know we’re not].

If this feels at all familiar, I hear you. And here’s the craic so you can keep yourself honest and also align with choices that reflect your true intentions, needs, and desires:

You don’t have to be comfortable with this situation. You are only trying to be because you’re gambling that this person could be The One.

But if they are The One, why would communicating your needs or discomfort be problematic? That wouldn’t change their being The One; it would make for a more intimate relationship.

So, are you scared of vulnerability, intimacy, and asserting yourself, no matter the relationship? Or are you deceiving yourself about this person and the relationship to keep the relationship possibilities ball in play for longer?

If it’s the former option, remember what you want and what that takes. So, if you desire a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship, your partner will need to hear from and get to know you. You will need to show more of yourself. This experience is an invitation to break the habit of people pleasing and avoiding intimacy.

If it’s the latter, it’s all of the above, plus asking yourself, what am I pretending not to know already? Get to the truth so you’re not settling for the crumbs of illusion. Your discomfort tells you that you’re ready to know where you stand.

Remember, if this person is The One, being yourself and being more honest won’t change that; it will make for a more intimate, loving relationship. If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, accept no substitutes.