I’ve been reading your blog, and I think I was just in a yo-yo relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
We have been on and off for the past 2.5 years. He broke up with me twice. Once because he didn’t feel like he could give me enough, and the second time, he didn’t feel like we were ‘connecting’. He came back to me, told me he still loved me, that he realised things. Said our problems were all him and that he didn’t want to be with anyone else.
This third time around, he didn’t come out with the L-word. He had said his friend commented that “people like us tend to get married”. (Side note: this is Future Faking and Fast-Forwarding). He then said, “That doesn’t freak you out, does it?” I said, of course not.
The other times we were together, we’d see each other during the week, but now, we weren’t at all. I was too scared of being thought of as “clingy” so I wouldn’t push the issue.
We saw each other on weekends and maybe one weekday, when he brought it up. He lives 2 minutes from me, yet he would never pick me up when we would go to hang out with friends. E.g. the bar, parties. I eventually asked about it. He said it was a “hassle” to park the car, get out to come to my door, get back in the car, etc. The week after that conversation, he started suggesting picking me up, so I had thought he realised how callous that sounded.
Six months later, he still hadn’t said he loved me (when he did in our previous relationship spurts), and he was spending most of his time with his roommates playing video games.
After a Friday night at the bar with our friends, we’d go back to his place and hang out with everybody. I’d get tired eventually, and want to go to bed, but he’d stay up. It made me feel like he’d rather spend time with these guys he lives with and sees every day than me, his girlfriend, whom he only sees on weekends.
This past week, he texted to make plans to come over to my place on a Tuesday. Then, he asked if I was happy with our relationship. I said I wasn’t (cause I’m an idiot). He then said he wanted to make sure I was okay with his stance on relationships. I had no idea what he was talking about.
So he texted me: “I don’t like ‘I love yous’, I will not be having kids, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want to live with a significant other, nor see them every day.”
He said we had talked about this before. But all he’s ever said is he’s not ready for marriage or moving in together, and neither am I. We both don’t think we want to have kids either. I asked why the hell he was with me then, and he said it’s because he loves being with me.
I broke up with him right there and then — remember that this entire conversation was all over text message. Now, he’s extremely pissed at me for ending the relationship that way. I feel bad about it, but I didn’t know what else to do! The conversation reached a point of no return. He says there’s nothing more to talk about, he can’t look at me the same way anymore, and what I did changed his entire perception of me.
I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I feel so terrible. When I cooled off, I asked him (texted) why he felt the way he does about relationships. But all he said was that we should have had that conversation before I dumped him.
Everyone tells me I made the right decision, but I can’t help feeling like a bad person. I also don’t understand how he could go from that wonderful person he was — telling me he loves me, talking about moving in together/giving me a key to his apt, how we’ll probably get married cause we keep coming back together, and now he’s this cold being…?
Oh dear, you’ve been jacked by a Mr Unavailable. As usual, he’s turned the tables so that you end up feeling bad about telling his fickle, inconsistent, using, inconsiderate, narcissistic self to get lost.
The first thing I ask you to do is forget the marriage comment. It doesn’t actually mean anything, particularly in light of his later comments.
He didn’t say that he wants to get married and, in fact, insists that he won’t.
What you have fallen victim to is a random comment from a friend who doesn’t recognise how damaging and dysfunctional your relationship was.
Life is not a rom-com. If it were, then you could both mess each other around, behave as badly as you want, and then in the last ten minutes, suddenly realise you’re both who the other should be with and live happily ever after. That’s what your ex’s friend’s comment was based on.
He’s lazy, commitment resistant, more concerned with hanging with his buddies, but he’s been passing time with you. You’ve been his Yo-Yo Girl. He knew he could rely on you to massage his ego and give him the pretence that he’s a great catch.
This guy is so flipping lazy, he can’t even bring himself to pick you up!
It’s the little things as well as the big things.
Mr Unavailables conveniently always have other things going on. Hanging out with their friends is of pivotal importance. It’s only when they all leave him hanging to commit to their partners, have babies, etc., that he might have a sudden panic. Then he thinks, I wonder if I should find some poor unsuspecting woman to put up with me till I have my next panic and decide I want to be on my own.
You have your own issues.
You don’t want to commit either. It’s your prerogative to say you’re not ready for marriage and that you don’t want kids. However, surely you can see that you are his dysfunctional co-partner?
But you’re afraid of commitment too. You stayed involved with him all this time despite his boomeranging in and out of your life, giving you less and less each time he came back. Where is the sense in that?
In many respects, 2.5 years may have gone by, but you are still dining off old comments and things he did way back when, even though he has not been like the ‘old’ him.
He isn’t “wonderful”. That’s what he pretends to be. You are clinging to glimpses of his old behaviour when, in actual fact, the ‘real’ him is the one that you get for most of the time. What is so wonderful about a man who treats you like this?
You say that you didn’t want to be ‘clingy’. Okay, but you took that position in response to his making you feel that you were needy because he was struggling with the relationship.
This texting bullshit is the scourge of relationships and the saviour of a man who doesn’t want to have confrontation or expend any emotion. Who the hell communicates that stuff over text? Yes, you ended it with him by text (which isn’t very nice). However, that was his chosen method of communicating with you. What did he expect? What conversation do you guys need to have?
This man has communicated his position. He has told you what he doesn’t want. Realistically, that doesn’t really leave you with very much.
What are you fighting for?
What do you need to discuss?
At this point, you need to take the information, process it, recognise it for what it is, and walk away.
Instead of focusing on why he is being like this, you need to focus on why you’re still there when he is blatantly wasting your time.
Address your own issues about love and commitment and figure out what you really want so that you don’t end up hanging on this guy’s coattails as he manages your expectations down to none and you pretend that you’re okay with it.
He has told you his stance and how he really feels. He needs a very understanding booty call girl. Is that you?
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Yo yo Girl, First, he was the one that wanted to define ‘relationship’ while text messaging. He didn’t like the way you answered. Let him deal with it.
Next, he has, in fact, made himself a home. You just don’t share his dwelling. Emotionally, you are (were) probably as much a part of his life as if you had married him. Only you aren’t (weren’t) as lonely this way. Consider yourself lucky that you hadn’t married without some major changes first.
There is no such thing as bad sex when no on gets hurt. Most of the time we enjoy (revel) in a supportive, nurturing relationship and home; others survive or attempt to survive in unhappy situations to preserve what little they can. He enjoys your company, he values the time he spends with you, but there isn’t any more room for you in his home or his life. He got the cart before the horse – build a home without a spouse.
And you have been enabling his turned-around-backwards lifestyle. Of *course* he doesn’t want kids or a wife – he would lose his home.
Pick a guy with a good character, that doesn’t spend so much time with single guys.
You didn’t mention your best friends, or how he interacted with them. Or even that you have good friends, female or otherwise. This raises a question about how much happy you are outside your relationship. We need balance and support, and practice interacting with close friends – acting appropriately, apologizing and making amends for mistakes, communicating and discussing values and dreams. If you want a mate and married life, you might consider whether all your friends should be single.
Your concern about feeling clingy could also be related to friendships. If he is the only person you can talk to about intimate feelings, it will be difficult to find a balance, to talk out what is important, and to hear yourself when you say something that seemed sensible but doesn’t sound that way when said out loud. You don’t want to share intimate details with others, that can be disloyal and a bad habit, besides keeping important feedback from a prospective partner. But that still leaves a lot of stuff to share with *respected* friends.
You likely feel bad about hurting him – hurting him with a surprise ending to the relationship, hurting him because he felt surprised and betrayed. We generally do feel remorse when we do something that hurts others, and we should do what we can to make amends. In this case, I wouldn’t think anything more than a simple card, “Sorry, I changed my mind. I won’t date you any more.” Don’t justify yourself to him, don’t explain what he did or didn’t do – that implies he could ‘change’ to start over again, and that won’t happen. If he persists, tell him *he* needs your father’s permission to date you. (Hopefully your father is responsible and wants a happy family life for you.) Send him alone to your father.
About feeling bad, you lost an important part of your life, even if it was your choice. You will grieve, Learn about the grieving process, find a counselor or someone that has been through loss. Without alcohol.
You mentioned the bars and parties that made up a big part of your social time with him. You probably already see that didn’t help anything develop, and the people around weren’t helping you build a family. Spend time learning to enjoy social activities without alcohol, and people with other interests than drinking. (You do realize, right, that social drinking has always been associated with easy sex, especially in the US – not families, right? From watching the movie ‘Snapper’ it might be different in the UK.)
Luck!
THIS IS ME!!!! I have just recently come across this incredible website and am reading voraciously-almost everything written here in the whole site is ME and my EUM.
I have known for a long time how dysfunctional it is and had something of an epiphany the other night, but it scares the bejaysus out of me to recognise myself as being such a sick individual.
Its like I don’t want a relationship either-I feel there’s something missing in my psychological makeup that prevents me from wanting to love again. (I just got divorced after 22 years of marriage) I am the quintessential Fallback/YoYo girl.
I need help-who could help me and what do I ask for? I DON’T feel I can allow myself to be vulnerable, but at the bottom of it all, I think I’m scared to let someone know me because they won’t want me or they’ll think there’s not much to me. Conversely, I feel I am confident, intelligent and attractive. I’m so mixed up.
My EUM and I have been in each other’s lives for 8 years-3 as friends/acquaintances and 5 as FWB. Often I will please him with no expectation of reciprocation because I don’t want to let him get that close. And I AM trying to exert power over him through sex. I used to be so infatuated and feel we were soulmates, but now, even the thrill is diminished. I think I’m trying to keep the drama and excitement going so that I will feel attractive and vibrant to someone who USED to make me feel this way.
Writing that is really hard and I think I need lots of help! Any advice? BTW, I’m sorry this is so me,me, me, but I am processing as I write. I don’t know how and IF I can get out of this mindset!
blackgnat, It sounds like you are making good progress. You are uncomfortable with where you have been, and are beginning to understand the problems you face.
NML’s e-books are good places to continue what you have started – reading the messages and comments here at Baggage Reclaim.
The biggest hurdle is letting go. Finding the events and places and people in your past that are part of the problem, and moving on, leaving them behind.
If you find you are no longer satisfied with the FWB thing, if you want a home and family kind of life – that kind of mate won’t be hanging out where the FWB prospects hang out. Stop going where the FWB partner goes, or where you met him. You don’t want to meet someone looking for what he found.
And, frankly, it will take time to get past the trauma of the end of your marriage. Regardless of the circumstances, you have lost someone – and you will go through the same grieving process, in your own way, as if a beloved loved one had passed away. Your body and spirit will mourn, no matter whether the ending was a relief, a blessing, a wrenching torment, or something in between (or combination). It takes time for the spirit to complete the initial cycle, to get to the healing part.
In the mean time, the EUM you are with distracts you from thinking about a healthier you, or a healthy relationship. Being with someone makes you unavailable to an honorable, respectful mate-prospect.
Have you seen the movie “28 Days”? Sandra Bullock is sent to a drug treatment facility. Watch particularly her change from detached to emotionally engaged. And at the end of the program, they recommend ‘graduates’ buy a plant. If, in a year, the plant is still alive, get a pet. If, a year later, the pet and plant still live, then think about starting to date. The movie is kinda hokey, but that explanation and prescription for beginning to emotionally engage, for the first time for many of the characters, seems grounded in fact.