How to Stop Letting the Fear of Disapproval and Conflict Run Your Life

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into our relationship with disapproval, criticism, and conflict, specifically how fear of these leads to organising our entire life around avoiding and minimising any possibility of experiencing them. I share how I stopped being so terrified of disapproval, where these patterns come from, and some practical reframes to help you stop letting the fear run your life and self-esteem.

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IN THIS EPISODE…

• Fear of criticism and conflict comes from childhood patterns that made disapproval mean unworthiness. Growing up with volatility, anger, silent treatment, and destabilisation teaches you that if someone disapproves or you don’t meet expectations, it mean’s something’s wrong This belief makes everything feel like a potential threat, so you start scanning for disapproval before it arrives, adapting behaviour preemptively through people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overgiving.
• Your nervous system and subconscious don’t tell the time; they reference childhood first. When your threat detector picks up even a whiff of similarity to past experiences, it sends your typical childhood response.
• Four crucial reframes shift your relationship with criticism and conflict. (1) Criticism is not a verdict on you as a person but feedback about something specific; (2) Conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is over but that you have a real relationship with intimacy and truth; (3) Feedback is not a court order; it’s one person’s perspective you can choose what to do with; (4) Sometimes it genuinely isn’t about you but their baggage, circumstances, and patterns with giving/receiving feedback.
• You can’t help your first reaction to conflict, criticism, and real or perceived disapproval, but you can intervene with mindful responses. It’s critical to let yourself know that you’re not in the past anymore by creating healthier boundaries.
• Know the difference between compromising and compromising yourself. Compromising is finding a solution you can both live with. Compromising yourself is sacrificing your needs, values, and boundaries just to make discomfort stop as quickly as possible. Rushing in with a fix because you can’t tolerate tension is people pleasing and a panic response based on fear, not reality, and it makes things worse because you’ve sold yourself out.

LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

• Ep. 170: Conflict & The Five Stages of Relationships
• Ep. 215: Fear of Criticism Doesn’t Have to Run Your Life
• Ep. 258: It’s Not Our Job to Meet Our Parents’ Expectations
• Ep. 98: From Silent to Speaking Up & Speaking Out
• Ep. 257: Losing Ourselves Leads to Losing Our Temper
• Ep. 239: Conflict Spotlights the Truth of Our More Fragile Relationships
• Ep. 154: Talking About Our Feelings (Part One)
• Ep. 155: Talking About Our Feelings (Part Two)
• Ep. 245: Disagreeing With Loved Ones Doesn’t Have to Be Threatening
• Ep. 230: Why you’re still having thoughts about that certain someone or thing
• Ep. 151: Why Don’t They Like Me?
• Why do we want to be liked by people whom we dislike?
• Learning to Care Less About What People Think
• Don’t confuse what you want to avoid with being the same as what you desire or need
• Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
• Criticism isn’t the same as rejection. Yes, really.
• Embrace Healthy Boundaries: An audio course about boundaries for people who’ve lost themselves trying to keep everyone else happy.

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