Podcast Ep.28: Are You Open or Closed?, Life Plans, ‘Overreacting’
Tags: authenticity, core values, decision making, emotional availability, failure, forgiveness, life goals, life plans, remaining friends with exes, vulnerability
It’s time for this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast! Before I get into that, apologies if you attempted to download last week’s tip sheet on Saturday. My email provider had a technical issue. Most people have been contacted, but there were some emails that didn’t come through. If you are one of them and you’re like, Where the hell is my download?, let me know and I’ll get it rectified pronto.
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IN THIS EPISODE…
- Life plans. Why we might be resistant to looking at the big picture, the usefulness of working out your short-, medium- and long-term goals, and how author Michael Hyatt who originally inspired me to start working out my own life plan, suggests that we create a life plan. |
Download Creating Your Personal Life Plan by Michael Hyatt(This download is no longer available.) | Find out the backstory to my thinking about life plans in episode 27 | Thanks to Elgie for sharing ‘mise-en-place’ - Are you emotionally available? I explain emotional unavailability and the key fears behind it. I also share ten questions you can ask you to help you not only understand whether you are emotionally available but also to aid you in identifying the area where you can be more available. | Download “10 Key Questions To Open Up Your Awareness About Your Emotional Availability” | Check out this post: Do you want to be with an emotionally available person? Be emotionally available YOURSELF
It’s not fair when people shame us for not wanting to be friends with our ex yet.
- Sometimes we need time and space to grieve before we can be friends with an ex. Or we need these to feel as if we’ve dealt with something. It’s a real encroachment of our boundaries when the person who hurt us tries to shame us for not being at that place yet. Some even go so far as to remind us that, for instance, all of their other exes remain friends with them.
- Listener Question. Nicole wants to know where to draw the line with setting boundaries and issuing ultimatums. | Check out these posts, ‘Boundaries—Stop Asking For Permission’ and ‘Why Explaining and Re-Explaining Disrespect Is Like Saying, I’m Open To Negotiating On My Boundaries’ | 30-Day Project: Embrace Healthy Boundaries
- What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve had a few hypnotherapy sessions to help increase my awareness of why certain things were particularly triggering for me. The sessions reminded me of when people tell me they ‘overreacted’ to something. I explain why there’s a basis for the overreaction and that, yeah, there’s been a misfire of the energy but you’re not going ‘crazy’ if you overreacted.
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Nat xxx
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY today to Nat and Em. Hope your day has been special.
BTW- I just love Michael’s life planning. I have to say it again he lives a beautiful life. I believe that is because he values his time and leaves very little to chance. When you do a workshop in NYC I will share more.
Can’t wait to hear more over time about how your life plan evolves.
MJ
Nat,
I think you may like this. Creating your ideal week. You and Michael are doing a lot of the same things (blogs, podcasts etc). You both also help a lot of people. For anyone overwhelmed by a life plan start with a ideal week plan.
MJ
Good morning MJ!
Hoping your trip and birthday provided you with positive insight! I have to say that when I clicked on the first link I clicked right out!!! One hundred pages of a life plan!!! But I am intrigued and want to revisit this idea. I checked out the weekly, but I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. Then I came across an article:
Constant HSP Overwhelm? 7 Questions to Ask to Get Clarity | The Happy Sensitive:
http://thehappysensitive.com/constant-hsp-overwhelm-7-questions-to-ask-to-get-clarity/
I don’t categorize myself as HSP; in fact I don’t even know that it’s a real thing. I DO know that I AM a sensitive/ emotional/ feeling person as maybe many other readers are. And I DO often feel overwhelmed, which for me can mean ‘stuck’ more than it means I have a too full agenda. Not being familiar with Michael Hyatt, I revisited his site today, and read where he mentions ‘working backward’ which is a strategy I employ at work, and am TRYING to use in my personal life. So much harder! I am also hesitant because I think my goals are wrong, as in is it wrong to have the goal of having someone to share my life with or is that ‘not allowed’ because it’s an external, out of my control, capricious ‘WANT’ as opposed to a measurable, solid, evidence based outcome? Am I unhappy/ unsatisfied because I need to change my goals and ONLY have ones that I can somewhat direct (financial, decorating, activities, weight)? I should probably read the 100 page plan, huh? I am so not a ‘list’ person- way more creative than organized, but I suppose that is something to work on. Also, I am also working on my reaction/feelings regarding constantly being asked if I am dating or ‘seeing someone’. For me it feels torturous, insensitive, prying, invasive, hurtful. I hate being asked, and maybe because my answer (inside) is: NO, THERE IS NOBODY. There is STILL nobody. Always, there is NOBODY. Nobody likes me, nobody is interested in me, nobody asks me out. EVER. Thank you for highlighting that I continue to be alone. Thank you for acknowledging my aloneness, my unworthiness for anyone to take interest in me.
I think maybe I am asked because ‘normal’ people would have a different answer like… Yes, I am dating this great guy! Or yes, I’ve been in a relationship for a year now. Or yes, I just met someone and I’m excited! Because if they thought my answer would be ‘NO’ then what would be the reason to ask? One friend kept pressing when I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Finally, I responded, “Do you think your husband cheats on you?” She laughed and changed the subject, after some minor guy-slander comment. Am I proud of my response? No. But when I say please stop asking, and am ignored, right there is my trigger. I am constantly asked, even by mere acquaintances. Of course not one person ever has said, “hey are you still single, because there is someone I think you should meet.” No, never. It’s always just questioning my relationship status. Like I haven’t attained what THEY have. I don’t ask hey, did you pull yourself from financial ruin by finding a job or did your son ever decide to go to college or did you decide to lose that weight or when are you going to update your hair color? So I know I am hyper-sensitive to that question. I ALSO think people are just invasive and don’t really CARE what my answer is. My new therapist/ wellness coach suggests that maybe they ask because I (subconsciously?) pose a threat to them in that I’m single. I don’t think so. And wow, I didn’t even intend for my comment to head in this direction, thus can you imagine what my life plan on paper might look like!!!!
🙂
Say Something,
I am so happy to hear from you today. Your note is like receiving a much needed hug. I am sending a warm hug back to you. I REALLY understand where you are. It would take sitting down for a drink for you to know what I mean.
I did a trip but not the BIG birthday trip yet. My travel agent said she admires me going alone. What is the option? Stay home and wait for the right person to show up. It makes me sad to take these trips alone, but I am trying to keep living. I get excited planning these trips. But I am missing that special someone. Hurts. Thank you for sending positive vibes when I left the country. YAY I got home in one piece. Leaving again in three weeks early birthday celebration.
It has to be tough to have people consistently ask if you are dating someone. I am glad no one bothers me with that question. My mouth dropped open with the question you posed to someone who kept asking. It also made me laugh.
Why does life seem to suck when one piece that you desire is missing? during my last trip, I lay on the beach having people carry me drinks. It was so relaxing. But my mind drifted to what I am missing. Like you I still don’t have that special someone. I refuse to even entertain dating someone who is connected to my work. No can do.
The life plan that Mike has is major work. He was kind enough to refer me to a life coach. They help people at a cost put elaborate plans together. It is a heavy lift in terms of time and funds. You have to want that. You can simplify it and do it your way. I laughed when you said you clicked right out of it.
I must admit I had a bad dream last night and today has been really tough ( crying and PMS in). Big pity party going on over here today. I finalized my big trip today and realized it is just me. This is the kind of trip you take with a man. Usually.
Your goal of having someone to share your life with isn’t wrong. I want that too. I just bang my head against the wall with this one. I have so much control over other things and they go so well. I just haven’t been able to fix this one area of my life. Everything else in life is fabulous but because I am missing a major piece. LIFE sucks big time.
Here is a big hug for you. Oh no I am crying again. God bless everyone who has someone special. It is tough to find that special someone.
There is nothing wrong with a goal to find someone special to share your life with. I’m going to just keep taking trips and having fun till then. I may need a 200 page strategy to find someone LOL.
I really understand YOU. Keep being good to yourself. Hamilton and drinks one day soon.
MJ
Mary Jane!
So good to hear back from you. (((*hugs*)))
Yes I immediately clicked away when the ginormous life plan started to unfold and scroll. I WILL go back soon though. Right now my focus is on fitness (lost those 10 lbs) and finances. Not really too much I can do with either, as both require constant attention, monitoring, and good decision making.
I did ‘splurge’ today and went clothes shopping (by myself of course). I’m a clearance rack shopper, but not really a lover of shopping. I spent hours selecting before hitting the dressing room. I bought about 25% of what I tried on. I tried on this dress that would be appropriate for New Years/ evening Christmas party. It was black/silver and sparkly and on sale and a size 6. But wtf, I have two black dresses in my closet with tags still attached that I bought two years ago. I have an entire set of brand new luggage I also bought back then, when I thought I was going on the vacation that never happened. No more hopeful/ wishful buying, just practical. Anyhow, I spent less than $125 and left with 12 pieces of clothing including a Columbia full-zip hoodie. I spent so much time in the dressing room… Does this look good ON? Does it feel comfortable? Will I really wear it? Is it a good deal? Welcome to the excitement of my life!!!! Here’s the weird part… When I cut through the men’s department, I couldn’t get out fast enough. Felt like I didn’t belong there and was very aware that I had no reason to be there. That part made me sad.
Well, happy EARLY b-day then! I know you said it was approaching. You, being a planner obviously look ahead. For me, approaching means… It’s happening maybe now or tomorrow 🙂
I guess I am also working on my internal and external response to being asked about my dating/ relationship status. For one thing, I don’t WANT to answer the question. I also realize that by saying that, I’m drawing more attention to the question, so not sure how to deal with it.
I never thought I was much affected by PMS emotionally (always had some physical symptoms) until two years ago. Now it seems like any little thing that can negatively impact me emotionally does! Yes, more crying, ruminating, feeling badly. So it’s a fight to the finish…. Do I recover from my epiphany relationship breakup first or do I hit menopause? I hope that made you laugh. Really though, I often think about getting older and feel like my days are being wasted.
I know someone that saw/ is seeing Hamilton today. That’s something good to look forward to!
Take care this weekend and congrats on your big trip plan and your life planning endeavor. I really want to hear about it 🙂
Congrats to you on you weight loss. See you control that. You are a super shopper. I’m going with you. LOL. You must have been strutting around in that dress. OMG I have things with tags. I planned to go to some events and then couldn’t put up with going alone again.
Very cute stuff. Not ever worn big waste of money. I hear happiness when you talk about trying on that size six. YAY! I read the article you mentioned above. It helped calm my nerves tonight. Thanks for bringing some peace into my weepy night. LOL
Hugs,
MJ
In regards to overreacting, this struck a chord with me. People who have been abused/neglected (often) have old hurts buried deep and when a situation occurs that feels similar, the old hurts pile on top of the new hurts and come out. In my experience, as I’ve dealt with many of these old wounds and have learned to respond rather than react, it happens less often where I think/sense that I have overreacted to something. More often now, I may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries in certain situations, but do it anyway. Setting boundaries with dominant/aggressive people, especially authority figures, still feels threatening to me – because the “old abusive context is being unconsciously being re-enacted it the present.” When I become conscious of it, I’m (usually) able to face the terror and (usually) set the boundary anyway. Yay, progress!
That the old pain, those buried feelings and hurt need to find an outlet. I recently read an article on codependence written from a therapist point of view and it helped me immensely. It helped me to understand what I’m feeling and why. It helped me understand my desperate need to be heard and it helped me to feel less shamed about that need. I feel more compassion for myself now and my need to express my feelings. I’m also giving my inner child a “great job” when she does so and when she occasionally rocks the boat! If you identify as codependent, you may find it helpful as well.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meaningful-you/201307/codependent-no-more
Wow… A brilliant article underlying exactly how I feel when I just want to be healing by being heard not rushed. Strange as it may seem, healing happens quicker, sadness lifts easier and mind becomes clearer when I feel some sort of compassion and protection from the “get over it” world out there. I don’t always want advice – I know what to do; I sometimes just need my personal childhood …fearland to be acknowledged as real.
Yes! For me, someone listening to me, without trying to fix it, change my mind, advise me, etc.. helps me to feel heard and less alone. The pain is more bearable. Suffering is being in pain all alone.